The journey begins….

And so it begins….the transformation of my once broken soul to a strong, confident, happy and balanced person.

I was once a very anxious, scared little girl living inside a grown woman’s body.  I cared so much about what others thought of me, I was terrified of making decisions and although I appeared extremely confident on the outside, my insides would scream at me that I was not good enough.

I still feel that way at times.  Insecure and sad, abandoned and scared.  The difference now is that I honor those feelings instead of trying to push them away.

Navigating through childhood “stuff”, loss of significant people in your life, loss of what you perceived as love, recognizing and dealing with bad choices and their consequences are all very heavy burdens to handle.  Not all of us are equipped with the tools to deal with most of these things.  These are the things that can destroy us internally.

However, through my own Phoenix Process – I have learned that if you feel your feelings and don’t try to push them away you will work through them much faster and most of the time they will pass (if you let them).  Holding on to them can feel like you are protecting yourself, like a shield, but the reality is you are only hurting yourself and prolonging your healing.

If you do everything in your power to avoid feeling your feelings…by drinking, over planning your time, drugs, sex, pornography, clinging to relationships..you are prolonging the entire process of healing and actually making things worse.

It takes time to process feelings and avoiding them doesn’t make them go away, unfortunately they get stored in our subconscious and eventually those thoughts and feelings you are trying to avoid come seeping out….through anxiety, depression, nightmares, anger, however your body wants to process them.  There is NO escaping these thoughts and feelings no matter how much you drink, eat, have sex, etc.  They will always be there.

So my advice is to truly feel your feelings….cry until there are no more tears left…and please know that at some point this period of sadness/anxiety will pass and you will feel so much better as you catapult to the next stage of healing.

It is also important to create new good memories which will ultimately replace the older ones that are stuck in your mind.  We tend to cling to what feels good and forget what hurt us in the past.  I assume this is for survival.  However it is not healthy to hang on to the past and focus only on what felt good, just as its not healthy to ruminate about what hurt you.  There comes a point in time, once we have let our feelings seep in, that we have to let go and move on from the past (good and bad) and focus on what is in front of us.

We truly are the director of our own lives and we do have the ability to construct our lives exactly how we want them to be.  With a little time and effort and some real belief in yourself and the Universe, you can live the life you want…within reason.  Set your expectations to a realistic measure and start making better choices that involve self care and self love.  Remove toxic people from your life, think before you act, do not engage in self fulfilling prophecy’s and focus on how you would like to feel.  Everything is about feelings and how things make us feel.  Love is a feeling, sadness is a feeling, happiness is a feeling.  Construct your life in a way that makes you feel good.

But also understand that you will not be happy every single day of your life.  There will be days you question yourself, your friends, your lover and your choices.  That is ok.  How in the world would we be able to recognize things are good if there was no “bad”.  We wouldn’t.  The bad times are what help us appreciate all the good we have.

Write down (right now) about 10 things in your life that you are grateful for and smile as you write them.  Say each thing out loud and say thank you like 2 or 3 times with true gratitude.

I am personally grateful for so many things…my beautiful children, my peaceful and zen home, yoga, Luke (my beautiful and smart Golden), my friendships, peace, food and water, my career and financial stability, my gardens, the earth/nature, travel, amazing coffee.  The list really and truly is endless.

Everyone can list their lack, the things they don’t have, the things they want, the things they miss, but that just creates more lack.  Focusing on what you do have will help you attract more and more wonderful things, even if they aren’t exactly what you want.  The Universe has an incredible way of providing us what we need.

As a survivor of abandonment and trauma I can tell you that the mind is a very powerful thing and it is actually what gets us into trouble 99% of the time.

We literally create most of our own issues by:

  1. focusing on the past and not whats happening in front of us
  2. ruminating – allowing thoughts to run rapid in our minds
  3. not appreciating the things we have and always creating a feeling of lack
  4. not letting go of anger
  5. not dealing with our issues and letting them fester inside us
  6. loving people that are wrong for us and treat us poorly
  7. not valuing ourselves and putting ourselves first
  8. not practicing self love and care
  9. allowing others to define our worth
  10. giving away our power

We do not have to do this, we can gain control of our thoughts (if not fully, partially) and re-direct them back to a positive and happy thought process.  It takes practice and consistency but through yoga, meditation, mindfulness, earthing and grounding and many other wonderful techniques it can be done.

I am finally at a place where I can fully let go of my negative thoughts just by using my tools that I have learned the past two years.

Being able to do this has totally changed my life and it can change yours.

Feel your feelings, let them in and let them go…

Namaste

 

 

Ways to Honor Yourself

I am a self-proclaimed expert in the art of self-love and self-care.  I have gone from abusing myself in many ways to falling madly in love with myself on so many levels.

Self-love is such a personal thing that it is almost impossible for me to tell someone exactly how to love themselves, however, I feel I am educated enough on the topic to be able to make suggestions on where to start when someone is first entering their Journey into self-love and self-care.

Routines are very important because consistency is the key to any successful change.  It takes 21-26 days for a routine to become a habit.  In the beginning you will have to remind yourself that its important to do xyz… however, over time, it will just be a natural part of your day and one that you will look forward to.

For instance, I used to fear mornings…I would wake up with so many thoughts circling around in my head.  I would instantly feel alone and anxious.  So, when I started on my Journey to healing the first thing I created was a morning routine.  I created a beautiful and peaceful morning routine that eased my anxiety, soothed my soul and prepared me for the day ahead.  This routine is so amazing that I actually look forward to my mornings now, for the first time in my life.

So I speak from experience when I provide suggestions and ideas that may help you.


Below are ways you can honor yourself each and every day:

  1. Respect your body – there are so many levels of this topic that I would love to address but will focus on this one area – your body is yours and not to be given to anyone who doesn’t honor you.  Respect yourself and others will follow suit.
  2. Honor where you are at – wherever you are in life, know that you are exactly where you need to be at that moment.  Know that nothing stays the same forever, we have free will and the ability to create change and suffering doesn’t last.
  3. Feel your feelings – whatever they are…feel them.  Anxious, sad, mad, happy, elated, excited, nervous.  Sit with them and feel them.  Let them guide you.  If you are unhappy or anxious do not stuff them or hide them, they will resurface with a vengeance.  Feel them, and then let them go.
  4. Treat yourself – what do you enjoy?  a coffee at the cafe, massages, dinner with friends, a weekend retreat, yoga a few times a week, facials, hot baths?  what is your thing?  whatever it is…do it.
  5. Forgive yourself – we are human and make mistakes, lots of them!   Forgive yourself for those you have hurt, for the bad choices you made, for the hurt you caused yourself, acknowledge these things and forgive yourself.  Then let it go.
  6. Tell yourself how amazing you are – because you are smart, kind, loving, sweet, beautiful, hard working and so many other things.  Tell yourself.  Don’t wait for someone else to validate you, validate yourself.
  7. Celebrate your wins – there is always a win, even if all you did was get out of bed, get your kids off to school, make it to work on time, those are wins!
  8. Support yourself through losses – you will have down days, things that didn’t go as planned, someone will hurt you or you will hurt someone.  Support yourself through those moments.
  9. Relax and rest your soul – take some time for you and only you. Give yourself a much needed time out.  Read a book, take a bath, walk in the park, get a pedicure, go to the gym, roll out the mat and do some yoga.  Whatever it is that fills your soul, do it.
  10. Find quiet time – create a “quiet zone” at home, decorate that space and deem it yours.  Use that space for your quiet time, no screens (TV, iPhone, iPad, etc.).  Close your eyes, meditate, listen to music, read.
  11. Exercise – this topic is in every single blog I write and I will beat it to death. Our bodies need movement.  Find what you enjoy and can commit to and move your body.  Walking, hiking, yoga, Pilates, Barre, HIIT, boot camp, etc.  Get on that treadmill, go to the park, do yoga at home or a studio, download a boot camp app.  Just commit to at least 3x a week of movement.
  12. Do things you love – are you creative – start by doing some DIY projects, enjoy time with people – join or start a MeetUp group, want to learn something new – take a class.  The sky is the limit.
  13. Put yourself first – it is not selfish!
  14. Set goalsgoal setting is very empowering and keeps us on task.  It also helps us manifest the things we desire.
  15. Seek solace in nature – nature is very grounding and provides us with a direct connection to earth. Spending time in nature, either on the beach, in the woods, planting in your garden can help ease anxiety and ground us back to a healthy place.
  16. Feed your body nourishing foods – you are what you eat, enough said!

I hope you can identify with a number of these suggestions.

Contact Us for a free coaching session.

~joy~love~light~

-Avesha

How do you start your day?

“Every day we are born again” – Buddha

Over time and by creating daily KeyStone Habits you can learn to transform your life into the one you deserve.  For this, I like to use the term – stepping stones.  Every little step you take brings you one step closer to your new and healthy life.

With stepping stones you literally take each and every day, one step at a time.  It takes self awareness, inspiration, determination and the drive to want to change and the commitment to stay on task (and focused) as you begin your new Journey.  I know, because I have done this work and although there were times I wanted to quit, I am so grateful I didn’t.

It takes 26 days for a habit to become a lifestyle.

There are so many ways to begin making little but impactful changes in your life. Personally I found that starting with a morning routine was the best place to begin my Journey to an emotionally healthy life.

Thankfully I am a morning person so creating a morning routine was exciting for me.  This routine is very important to me as it provides structure and gives me something to look forward to as I rise in the morning.  This positive start to my day gets my head in the right place so I am ready to tackle my day with a clear mind and a peaceful soul.

I am grateful for this practice and I continue to alter it to adjust to life’s little changes and challenges.


Below are some”morning ritual” ideas to help you create your own daily practice –

  • Wake up with the sunrise (“early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise” – Benjamin Franklin, famously)
  • Drink a glass of room temperature water (with lemon if you can – fantastic liver cleanse)
  • Walk the dog / get on the treadmill (I don’t care how cold or hot it is, get moving)
  • Make a green smoothie – google smoothie recipes for some awesome ideas
  • Brush your teeth, wash your face, give yourself a mini facial (I have some fantastic organic facial recipes to share)
  • Do at least 15 minutes of yoga stretches or if you are feeling bold do a 30 minute power yoga session 🙂
  • Start an exercise routine
  • Meditate for at least 5 minutes (download the Simple Habit, Calm or HeadSpace app for an easy guided meditation)
  • Practice grounding and earthing
  • Make a hot cup of coffee or tea – drink it slow and savor the flavor 🙂
  • Write in your journal (express your gratitude, set your goals, write down your worries and let them go) – Don’t know how to journal or where to begin?  start here
  • Read your gratitude list out loud and thank the Universe, God, Buddha, whatever you believe in for another beautiful day in this life
  • Take a hot shower and be in the moment (you can also take a hot bath with Epsom salt and lavender before bed to wash away the day)
  • Get ready for your day (do your hair, put on makeup)
  • Dress to impress (even if you work from home – yoga pants are not pants)
  • If you commute, put on your favorite music or audio book – enjoy the time you have to yourself

Its just as easy and important to create an “evening wind-down ritual” as well (Contact Us for ideas to create your evening ritual).

Until soon!

Namaste

Things I wish I did years ago…

But I am putting them into practice now!  So, better late than not at all.

I could share a long story about why these are critical exercises but I don’t feel that is necessary.  We all have our story and my hope here is to provide guidance to those who need it.

So here we go….

  1. Embrace the difficult – there is power in the pain, strength in the struggle and knowledge you receive from lessons you are meant to learn. My advice: learn your lessons the first time and there will be less struggle.   Struggle = success, strength & progress
  2. Exercise Daily! – if you have been following me or have read any of my blogs you know I believe that exercise is the end all be all to happiness or at least the start of it.  I believe the Journey to happiness starts with giving your body the movement that it needs to release the essential endorphins and get the happiness flowing inside you.  We were NOT made to be sedentary.  Get moving, start exercising TODAY!  Take a walk, get on your treadmill, do some yoga, go to the gym.  Whatever you fancy…do it.
  3. Be Grateful – for every single aspect of your life.  Even the struggle.  Wake up and be grateful you are alive, for your hot cup of coffee, for sunlight, a job that pays you, friends that you spend time with.  There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for.  Gratitude = manifesting more things to be grateful for
  4. Enjoy the simplicity of life – wake up with the sunrise, take a walk in nature, read to your kids, cook a nice meal, make a hot cup of coffee or tea and sit on the deck and just listen to the birds, play in your garden, read a good book, take a walk at sunset and thank the Universe for another day.  It is the simplicity of life that brings us the most happiness, believe it or not.
  5. Keep a Journal or two – I have multiple journals…one for my thoughts, one for my goals, a small one that I carry around with me where I jot down ideas, stories or things I simply want to try.   Journaling is a fabulous way to release the ruminating thoughts that take over your brain.  It is also one of the top Keystone Habits (after exercise).  I journal every morning as part of my morning ritual.
  6. Complain less and appreciate more – if things are hard and you are at your end, instead of complaining, which solves nothing, find solutions.  Make small changes (baby steps), start implementing Keystone Habits, you must do something OR accept what is.  Complaining = negative energy
  7. Don’t settle for less than you deserve – if you are not ready for a relationship, do not start one.  If you are dating and you know the person isn’t right for you…let them go.  Learn how to be with yourself.  Figure out what you want in a person and don’t settle for anything less.  You know what you want, and what you are worth so why settle for anything less?  Settling = cheating yourself out of something amazing
  8. Do not judge others – this was and is still a huge lesson for me.  It’s very easy for us to make a judgment based off an encounter with someone.  However, we don’t know their life story and have no idea what their struggle is.  So we make a judgment about them that is completely unfair.  You do not know where a person has been or what they are going through, so be kind and accept them for who they are and where they are at that moment.
  9. Be kind for no reason – smile at the cashier at Target, maybe she doesn’t smile back or even know why you’re smiling, it doesn’t matter.  Say “good morning” to people as you walk down the street to your office.  Compliment someone’s shoes, hair or hat.  Hold the door or elevator.  Do something nice for someone, you have no idea what a person is going through and you might just make their day.
  10. De-Clutter and simplify – you have read this before, but its true…get rid of clutter, remove all items you no longer use.  If you haven’t touched it in three years and is not a family heirloom and it doesn’t hold sweet memories..toss it!  Downsize, live within your means and surround yourself with things that bring out the best in you.
  11. Practice patience – this is another practice I am working on and I admit I am not very good at but it is something I practice daily.  Patience is a skill that we are not born with, it needs to be developed.  For those of us fire signs 🙂  we tend to have less patience and more energy than most people.  There are those with a more laid back approach to life whereas patience comes a little easier than those of us who take a more aggressive approach to life.  However, patience can be taught, learned and implemented.  It is critical to our success to have patience and trust that the Universe knows exactly what we need and when we need it.
  12. Letting go of the past – I have said it before and I will say it again, the past does not define us and it has no place in our present and our future.  If you have learned your lessons and are on the right path you will no longer need to revisit the past, it has nothing to offer you.  You can remember good moments, but don’t focus on them so much that you are not mindful of the present and especially the now, because this moment really is all any of us have.  So “be here now” should be your mantra…if you find your mind wandering to a memory of the past…honor it and say to yourself “be here now” and move on and focus on that moment, as best you can.  Letting go of the past and being mindful is hard and takes work but your brain can be re-trained to not wander off to the past and get stuck there.  Remember…be here now.
  13. Love yourself – madly and unconditionally.  This is a hard concept for some, I know it was for me.  I didn’t understand it until I started a self-love/self-care ritual and I learned how magical it is to put yourself first and to fall madly in love with yourself.  I have written several articles which have been published in Elephant Journal Magazine (love this magazine) about self-love and taking care of yourself and how to ease anxiety.  Read them at your leisure 🙂

https://www.elephantjournal.com/now/5-simple-grounding-exercises-to-ease-anxiety-the-stress-of-daily-life/ and

https://www.elephantjournal.com/now/how-to-practice-self-love-daily/

I pray a number of these exercises resonate with you.  You don’t need to identify with all of them, but you should find the ones that do resonate with you and put them into practice.

Just do the best you can to be your best self every day and you will start seeing changes and start feeling better about yourself and the choices you are making.

If you would like to work together to focus on these, please contact us.

Namaste

 

Grounding exercises to ease anxiety and the stress of daily life

Read this article in the Elephant Journal Magazine by clicking here: Grounding/Earthing

Life is busy.

Let’s face it, managing home, work, and family obligations is overwhelming and feels endless.  We tirelessly manage to get through the day by ticking the boxes of our “to do” list until we eventually crawl into bed only to do it all over again the next day.

This type of lifestyle can cause us a tremendous amount of anxiety and stress.  Our bodies are constantly in a state of fight or flight and we are maxing out our adrenal glands.  This type of stress not only causes anxiety but insomnia, weight gain, heart issues and high blood pressure.

How do we handle this?  My suggestion..in addition to self care techniques that you can find in my previous blogs (ex. How to practice self love daily) you need to implement a grounding or earthing practice to your daily routine.

Grounding is a technique that brings people back to the the present moment when they are in the midst of chaos. Grounding skills can be helpful with managing feelings of intense anxiety and can help people regain their mental focus after a traumatic event or anxiety induced state.

There are many proven ways to ground yourself.  If you are in the midst of an anxiety attack and need to get “grounded” you can start by counting backwards either in your mind or out loud, this is actually a mental distraction and therefore takes the focus off the anxiety.  Another wonderful and successful technique is to look around the room and name what you see “lamp, table, picture of my kids, 5 pens in a pencil holder, painting with a horse and a tree…whatever it is you see, call it out.  This helps ground you into the present moment.

Some grounding techniques are actually referred to as “earthing” and like the name suggests, you literally become one with the earth by putting your body in direct and uninterrupted contact with the earth. This exercise requires that your skin touch the soil, sand, water, or a conductive surface that is in contact with the earth.

This can be mean dipping your toes in the sand at the beach, walking in nature, going for a hike deep in the forest, swimming in a lake or the ocean, planting seeds or replanting flowers and digging in the dirt or just walking through the grass barefoot.  Earthing has a tremendous amount of health benefits, too many to mention in this article so I empower you to google “earthing” and “grounding”.

I have compiled a list below of my favorite grounding activities (more than one involves earthing):

  1. Walking or hiking – walking is the simplest and most effective way to reduce anxiety.  Walking at an even pace has a very calming effect.  It can evoke mindfulness, clear your head of rapidly cycling thoughts and release stress.  When walking (or hiking) in nature you will feel more relaxed and open during the walk.  You can also take it one step further and meditate while you walk.  Walks on the beach are amazingly therapeutic as well.  The salt air and calming sound of the ocean is very grounding.
  2. Yoga – specifically Hatha Yoga which is the simplest form of Asana’s (yoga postures) and pranayama (breathing techniques).  Yoga is the soul practice of the body, mind and your spirit and brings you to a state of mindfulness.  This technique can be done at home, for as practice as short or as long as you desire.  I recommend at least 15 minutes for a session length although 30 is ideal.
  3. Gardening – nothing connects you to the earth more than gardening.  This is a fantastic example of earthing as your hands are completely immersed in the soil.  Such a peaceful and mindful art and one that has so many benefits.
  4. Journaling – keeps you in a state of mindfulness by helping to remove negative thoughts as well as organize those distracting racing thoughts.  Getting your thoughts and ideas down on paper will help you clear your mind and enable you to to get to a peaceful state quickly.  Organizing your thoughts also helps you to set and ultimately obtain goals in a more efficient way.
  5. Arts/Crafts/Creativity – being creative by using your imagination and putting ideas into action is a very grounding activity that also has a beneficial and tangible outcome.

Whatever practice you choose, immerse yourself in it.  Bask in the moment of the activity and when you find your mind start to drift and your thoughts beginning to wander…bring yourself back to the moment.  Feel the earth as you put your hands in the dirt, walk across the grass or stick your toes in the sand.  To ground yourself even further, describe out loud how it feels. Describing it makes it feel real.

I love walking barefoot in the grass on a chilly summer morning after it has rained and the grass is wet with dew.  The feeling is magical and reminds me of childhood.  Remember being a child and running through the sprinkler?  Wasn’t that magical?

Even as adults we can create magical moments that make us feel like children again.  The wonderment, the joy and the peace we felt when we were riding our bikes and the wind blew through our hair, or doing summer-salts on a warm summer day with the sun beaming down on us.  How about that moment when you take that first lick of an ice cream cone.

Those moments are priceless.

We can have those now, as adults, we just have to create them.  We live in a world of chaos and instant gratification.  It is our commitment to ourselves to take a step back and slow things down so we can enjoy every single moment, because right now is all we have.

So I empower you to try at least one of these amazing techniques to help ground you and live in each moment as it comes.  It isn’t easy, but over time, it will become easier.

Namaste’

Peace…love…health…always!

As always, if you are ready to embark on your new Journey of self care, self love, and mindfulness Contact Us

Photo by rawpixel.com on Unsplash

The Mirror

Did you know that the people you surround yourself with are reflections of certain parts of yourself (ironically they are usually the parts you don’t quite like).

These people are your “mirror”.

What does this mean?

Quite simply, we attract what we are (or ourselves). Ever notice something irritating or infuriating about someone…could be your child, friend or your spouse?  Well, most likely you see something in them that you don’t like about yourself. They have a quality that you recognize and focus on that is something you wish to change about you.

Interesting concept huh?

There are those of us who are subconsciously reliving our youth traumas which contribute to our fears, anxieties, drama’s etc.  We are attracting those people, by our own design, so that they reflect the same dysfunctions in us by bringing them to the surface.  It’s like looking in the mirror and not liking what we see (emotionally).

As yourself these questions:

  1. Do you attract emotionally unavailable partners that are non-committal in relationships?
  2. Do you constantly focus on the relationships you can’t have without exploring why you are not attracting men/women who ARE available?
  3. Are you attracted to married women/men?
  4. Do you attract men/women who need “fixing”?
  5. Are you a magnet for negative people and gossip?
  6. Do you continuously have drama and dysfunction in your life?

If any of these scenario’s sounds familiar you need to explore deeply and ask yourself:

  1.  Am I emotionally available and able to commit to a healthy relationship?
  2.  Are there parts of me that need fixing that I am avoiding (old wounds) which is why I focus on him/her vs. myself?
  3.  Am I subconsciously working through childhood trauma (i.e. abandonment) by chasing unavailable partners?
  4.  Am I trying to protect myself therefor I attract which that which I cannot have?
  5. Am I part of the problem?
  6. Do I attract drama because of my own negativity? (drama can’t live unless you feed it)

Simply put, if you want to attract healthy people into your life.  If you desire healthy friendships and relationships (i.e. lovers, family, co-workers, etc.) then you yourself need to be healthy.

Remember people will treat you how you allow them to. This is usually a direct reflection of how you feel about and treat yourself. When you value yourself and love yourself there is no way you would let someone treat you bad or disrespect you.

If you take the time to work on yourself (self love/care) not only will you feel AMAZING but you will attract healthier people into your life and have deeper more meaningful relationships.

Start today with focusing on yourself..look in your own mirror and decide what part of you is attracting toxic people.

Remember, people will always show you who they are – believe them the first time.

Namaste

If you are interested in one on one coaching please click contact us.

expectations, do you have them?

I am 45 years old and have recently discovered something that was missing from my life, yep, you guessed it, expectations.

Despite having one too many expectations of myself (yes, this is the curse of being an over-achiever) I virtually had no expectations of others in my life.  I am currently working on this.

In my personal relationships especially is where I lack. I had this notion that I had to be absolutely perfect and self sufficient otherwise I was not lovable.  Only problem is, when you are too busy trying to be perfect, which is impossible, you are also setting unrealistic expectations on the other side which leaves no room for vulnerability or the ability to just be yourself.

Also, when you have no expectations of a partner, you give and give and receive nothing in return which is exactly how you structure things.  You have designed your relationship this way, for whatever reason, maybe for control and safety however it is completely one sided and lonely.  When you give and do not receive anything back, you are basically in a one sided relationship.  This wears on you over time.  You tell yourself that you are happy with things this way, you think you have some sort of control because you rely on him for nothing. However all you have done is isolate yourself in a one sided and empty relationship.  This does catch up with you.  Over time feelings of resentment creep in.  Truly at no fault to your partner, as you taught him early on that this is what you would accept.  Nothing.

This is fear based behavior.  When you live in a place of fear you are constantly afraid of losing something.  In my case, my biggest fear was if he knows I am not perfect, he will leave.

How sad!  No one is perfect, not even a little.

So I am on this amazing Journey of preparing myself for a healthy and happy relationship and my next step is setting boundaries and expectations and knowing what I really want and expect from a relationship and partner.

Truth be told, this is kind of fun for me.

Below I have listed a few of my expectations of a relationship, some are quite simple:

  1. Loyalty
  2. Support
  3. Guidance/Teaching
  4. Patience
  5. Affection
  6. Respect
  7. Fun
  8. Love
  9. Vulnerability
  10. Intimacy

There are more, but this is a good start.  I don’t think I have experienced even ONE of these in the 19 years of relationships I was in.  Maybe “fun”, but only at the expense of my integrity and morals sometimes.  There was always a cost.

So I empower you to ask yourself, do you have expectations of the important people in your life?  Your husband, boyfriend, children, co-workers, boss?  If not, start thinking about what you want those expectations to be and jot them down.

I am also working on this in my professional life.  What are the expectations I have of myself that are realistic, of my staff, my co-workers, my boss and the Company as a whole.

We really do teach people how we want to be treated.  If we allow certain behaviors we are telling them that its OK.  If we don’t accept certain behaviors, we are training people to treat us the way we deserve.

Some of this stuff is so simple you almost can’t believe it takes so long to “get it’.

Would love to hear from you if you are in the process of setting boundaries and expectations for yourself and others.

Namaste

 

– what is it that you need from a relationship? –

Whether you have initiated the break up or have been broken up with it’s important to understand the lesson you are supposed to learn from the experience.

It’s so easy to focus or dwell on the good times and the things that you miss about the relationship but it is important to recognize what you didn’t get from the relationship as well.

There is a saying, a popular one that states when one door closes another one opens.  I believe in this.  Think of it this way, the door is closing for a reason and once you determine what that reason is, it can open you up to so many possibilities.

The other piece of this is, some people are just not meant to be together long term.  There may have been a short term compatibility but people do change and grow over time.  Basically because we do not stay the same person throughout our lifetime (thank God).  With that, our needs and interests change as well, drawing us to new people and experiences.

Since I am on my own personal Journey I figured I would share my list of non-negotiable’s with you in hopes that you will draft up your own list and start focusing on what you need vs. what you have lost 🙂

Here are the basic things I need from a healthy relationship, that he could not give me:

  1. Trust
  2. Respect
  3. Honesty
  4. Humility
  5. Appreciation
  6. Healthy love
  7. Patience
  8. Support
  9. Truth, always, no matter how it hurts
  10. Honest communication
  11. Conflict resolution
  12. Comprimise

In my opinion they are as basic as it gets.  There are others, but they fall into another category meant for another blog.

Basic needs sometimes are the hardest to have filled.  If you ever talk to someone who is in a toxic relationship they will tell you all the reasons why they are together but you learn right away their basic needs are not being met.

It has taken me nearly two years to understand that these simple and basic needs, I deserve to have them met.

Everyone deserves to have someone appreciate them, support them, communicate honestly with them, to be respected, told the truth.

I ask myself often, why would I ever accept less than this?

You cannot possibly respect yourself if you are willing to tolerate someone emotionally abusing you.  Even if they are not consciously doing it, by not treating you with respect and by not being honest with you or supporting you, they are emotionally abusing you.

This type of abuse comes in many forms that are sometimes not even recognized (i.e. talking down to you, name calling, gas lighting, crazy making, lying lying and more lying.)  Its all emotional abuse.  But this is a topic for another blog, at another time.

I digress 🙂

So as I stated before I went off on my tangent, it is important to look at why the relationship didn’t work out vs. remembering all the good times and wishing you were still together.

I read a study recently about memories and how our brains recall them, here is an excerpt:

“instead of remembering the actual memory, you’re recalling the memory of the last time you remembered it and any mistakes that might have been introduced there. Like a game of human telephone, those mistakes can build on one another over time, leaving out details and introducing mistakes.”

“a memory is not simply an image produced by time traveling back to the original event—it can be an image that is somewhat distorted because of the prior times you remembered it,”

“your memory of an event can grow less precise even to the point of being totally false with each retrieval.”

So this is why it is important that we do not live in the past and we stay in the moment as much as we can because our memories are not exactly a true depiction of what actually happened.

So break out your journal and draft a list of YOUR non-negotiable’s in a relationship.  Start with the basics like I did and then move towards specifics.

Dig deep…you find so much when you do.

Love, light and happiness always

-A

 

 

 

 

 

– be what you wish to attract –

Today is my mental – day one – in manifesting my most precious desire (notice I didn’t say..need) – a healthy, supportive and loving relationship.

For so long, like ever, I have attracted and engaged in very unhealthy relationships and yes by now we all know why…I had not healed my childhood wounds and I was completely re-enacting my childhood trauma (the horrible relationship with my father – yep “daddy issues”) by choosing these completely unavailable and unhealthy men to play the part so I could continuously try to heal my inner child stuff.

Well that tactic failed and might I say miserably so after this last traumatic episode I chose to heal those wounds once and for all.

Thanks to EMDR and a number of other healing modalities I have made it over the bridge and feel like a totally and completely different person.  In fact I know I am a different person because I hear that statement all the time.

It feels good to know that I am no longer living as that little wounded girl and I have come to peace with many things including forgiving myself for some really bad choices.

We all make mistakes, the goal is to learn from them and move on without repeating them.

Sometimes it takes something MASSIVE to happen that shakes us and spits us on out the sidewalk for us to finally get that things have to change.  Thankfully there is always time for change, no matter how old you are.

So now that I am living in the calm, as I like to call it….I am feeling like that next step in life would be to have what I have NEVER experienced and that would be a healthy loving and supportive relationship with someone who is completely capable.

WHAT A CONCEPT HUH?

So it took a series of steps to get here. Starting with breaking away from the narcissist and removing any and all toxic & unhealthy people from my life.  BRILLIANT DECISION!

Everything after that just fell into place.

So here is what I have learned:

  1.  Self love is for real and it’s awesome.  This is the FIRST and most critical step to manifesting someone healthy and capable.  If you want more info on this see my many self love posts in this blog.
  2. Be whatever it is you want to manifest.  You want someone healthy, you have to be healthy yourself, you want someone honest and loyal, be that.  You want someone interested in fitness…workout and take care of yourself.  You want someone who is emotionally available..you have to BE emotionally available and capable of intimacy.  It’s THAT FREAKIN SIMPLE.
  3. Do not settle.  Period.
  4. Make room for him/her.  Do not keep yourself so busy (one version of void filling) that you don’t have time for someone to come into your life.
  5. Be clear on the type of person you wish to share your life with.  After self love this is the most critical.  You don’t have to be too specific but know what you want in a person.  This is key in manifesting the right person.
  6. Be patient and trust in the process.  The Universe is always listening.  Sometimes we confuse her.  If one moment we are longing for love and the next minute we keep ourselves so busy we close ourselves off…she won’t know what to make of it.  Be clear.
  7. Know that what you get isn’t always what you envision but trust the Universe knows what is right for you.  Sometimes it can come in a different package than we had constructed in our minds.  That is OK.
  8. Enjoy your life.  You do not have to scour tinder and match to find your partner.  Sometimes you can just be doing something you love and they will walk into your world.  Embrace it.

Remember, being single and happy is better than being in a relationship and being miserable.  I learned this the hard way.

If your goal is to manifest someone wonderful, I encourage you to take these steps.

Good luck and enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

You too are emotionally unavailable, here’s why!

We have all dated that person, the one that is never quite ready for a commitment (with you).  They drive you to the brink of insanity and then pull you back with incredible passion that you have never experienced before.  They bring out a side to you that you didn’t know you had in you.  They are truly magical.

They keep you on your toes, as you wait with baited breath for every text, phone call and an eventual date.  Every date is magical…leaving you wanting more and more and when the date is over, its drama city…tears, anxiety, sadness, confusion, wondering when and if you are going to see them again.

They aren’t ready to give themselves up to you, however they have no problem spending all their time with you, having sex with you, sleeping over, eating your food, going on vacation with you, and everything else couples do…without the commitment and -oh  yeah – no monogamy.  They are using you.  Whether its for money, sex, validation, attention, a place to crash, someone to fill their voids, someone who keeps them from being alone (with themselves), a person to chill with until someone better comes along.  Whatever it is they need you are giving it to them and therefore they are using you.

Yet we believe in our souls that if we morph into exactly what they want you us to be, they will love us.  So we spend all our energy on making them happy, trying to make them love us (and they don’t), chasing them when they run and convincing them how amazing we are (they see it, they just don’t care).  Until one day you wake up and grasp that years have gone by and you realize that no matter what you do…they will not love you, they do not want you or what you want (or say you want), and yes, they have been using you.

So…you finally pull away and say you can’t do this anymore, that there is nothing left of your self esteem and you are tired of giving so much of yourself and receiving nothing in return….oh boy, look out….they WILL come back in full force (and this is not a good thing).  They will promise you the world…the stars…their soul…as long as you don’t leave them.   They love you, they will start respecting you more, they will spend more time with you, they realize how much they don’t want to live without you.  Amazing huh?  Wow, this is everything you ever wanted to hear –  you just wanted him to just realize how amazing you are and to see your value, to want you the way you want them.

You are ecstatic, and without any thought process you immediately take them back – with no boundaries in place, no making them prove themselves, no slow ease back into it..just as quickly as he came back after you, you go running back.

Ugh…MISTAKE!

Surprise, nothing has changed.  They were good for a little while, they showed you a little more attention, but ultimately they didn’t change.  Why?  Because people don’t change unless they want to and they can’t without doing the work.  They came running back to you because they just didn’t want to lose their security blanket (yes that is what you were).  You see, they fear abandonment as well.  So as much as they don’t want to commit to you, they don’t want to lose you either.  Its really all just a sad and lonely cycle of avoiding abandonment.

However, the good news is that eventually the cycle does end (if you are lucky) – leaving you exhausted, with them moving on to another person who is just like you (a door mat) –  leaving you in a heap on the floor.  You cry, wish for another day with them, begging God for them to love you, because if they did your life would be complete.  They are what makes life magical and worth living.

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

Newsflash!!

They are your mirror, its that simple.  You have played the emotional unavailability dance and its time for the music to stop.  Its time to figure out why you too are emotionally unavailable and more vested in chasing men who don’t want you vs. finding out why you don’t really want them either.

Thankfully it is possible to end this cycle forever, abandon this dance and move towards a healthy and balanced relationship with an emotionally available person but ONLY when YOU become emotionally available yourself.

My dear this isn’t just about them…this is about you too.

So here are some ways to start becoming emotionally available and start healing so you can seek and find a fabulous and stable relationship with someone who is available to you.


  1. Figure out your biggest fears!  What is holding you back? – whether its fear of getting hurt, abandonment (most likely), being vulnerable, fear of engulfment, giving up your own space, whatever it is…identify it.
  2. Once you have identified it, write about it in your journal! – where did this fear come from?  childhood? when did you first notice this fear?  write down every detail in your journal.  once its identified and “out there” its much easier to work towards a resolution.
  3. Finding a resolution – depending on what your fears and issues are you may need to seek a therapist, counselor or life coach to work towards resolving these issues.
  4. Let go of people who have hurt you in the past – understand that getting hurt is a part of life – painful experiences are what teach us our biggest lessons so we can grow and learn to heal those parts of us that are holding on.  let them go and yes, forgive.
  5. Think about your favorite people and write in your journal what you like about each and every one of them –  after you have done this, send each of them a text and let them know you are grateful for their presence in your life.
  6. Next, write down your favorite things about you – for some people this will be an easy exercise and for others this will be very difficult.  this exercise can help you identify how you view yourself – and as you know, how you see yourself is how others see you as well.  what you put out into the Universe is what is coming back to you – full circle.
  7. Let go of your emotional addictions (I call them void fillers) – the over eating, the smoking, too much drinking, drugs, social media, sex, porn etc.  these are not helping you in any way.  learn to sit with your feelings, with yourself and be comfortable with them.  this takes lots of practice, its uncomfortable and surely there will be a lot of tears and moments where you want to give up.  don’t.  learning to sit with your feelings is the biggest step to healing and best way to avoid starting a new cycle of emotional unavailability in another person – just to avoid feeling.
  8. Give your time, money, love and support to others who need it – there are so many people out there who are struggling.  it feels good to help people, in any way, whether its to volunteer, donate money or household items.  this is a great way to show gratitude for what you do have by giving to others that don’t have anything.
  9. Find yourself – you spent countless hours, months and even years catering to someone who didn’t see your value (this is because you don’t see your value).  spend less time trying to find a man or woman to fill your void and validate you and more time figuring  out who you are, what you want from life, and what makes you happy.  when you do this, you will figure out what type of person you should have in your life and no longer will you accept someone who is not right for you, let alone chase them to make them see how great you are.  you won’t need that.
  10. Love yourself – after you figure out who you are, treat yourself well.  treat yourself and love yourself the way you want to be treated and loved.  the saying really is true, how can someone love you and respect you if you don’t respect yourself.  they can’t and they won’t.  once you start loving yourself, it becomes a wonderful and  healthy addiction.  you won’t settle for less.  I promise.

Emotionally unavailability is an invisible shield meant to protect us from hurt.  The sad part is, it doesn’t protect us at all, it makes things worse.

Remove that invisible shield and start working on yourself today.  If you would like to work with a coach to help you on this new Journey of emotional availability, contact us today.

-A

The difference between healthy and unhealthy love

We have all been in love.

You know the feeling!  It is all consuming – starting with the butterflies and your heart melting at every glance.  Now you know, without a shadow of a doubt, he / she is the one.

When you are together you are whole, complete, happy and content.  When apart you are miserable and aching to be with him / her.

Despite some glaring red flags and that screaming intuition in your gut, you know this is the person you want to spend your life with…together until the end.

Over time you learn that your priorities are not aligned and maybe you don’t have too much in common, but still, he / she is your soul mate.

Unfortunately, after the newness wears off and the hormones start to balance out you find that things become a little strained.  Maybe the communication you once had starts to taper off a bit.  Little things that never annoyed you before, start to irk you a bit.  Sex doesn’t seem as exciting nor are you longing to rip his / her clothes off.  You start spending less time together and your gut is screaming…something isn’t right.

But still you proceed.

One of you starts becoming distant….which causes the other to cling.  Clinging naturally causes the other to run (and hide) and soon the clinger become a needy mess.  The clinger start wondering what they did wrong.  How did something soooo perfect change?  and they need to fix it, NOW!

And so the cycle begins…

The relationship that seemed so perfect at the time has now fallen into the cycle of cat and mouse.  When he is available she isn’t and visa versa.

Why, you ask?

Because the relationship does not have an ideal foundation.  It is based off the initial chemistry (love/lust) and not what actually holds a couple together which is (a) knowing what each other wants and truly wanting the same things (b) similar interests and goals (c) a friendship (d) respect for each others space and outside interests.  This is just a start.

A healthy relationship needs to start with two healthy people.  People who have worked on themselves, have a strong balance of self love, the ability to be intimate and have a good relationship with themselves.  This way they bring good and healthy things to the table and not their own emotional baggage.

When people fall in love instantly and cling to each other for comfort and happiness this becomes a recipe for disaster.   This is the dance of the emotionally unavailable and let me tell you, nothing good comes from this dance.

Two unhealthy people clinging to each other in the midst of co-dependency cannot possibly build a healthy relationship until they work on themselves and find that balance of self love and emotional security.  The gamble here is, once they do the work they may not be attracted to each other….and the relationship that once seemed so magical now appears very dysfunctional or they may find they are not rightly suited for each other.

Sometimes those magical relationships stem from the drama and chaos that lives inside themselves.  That madness is like a magnet that attracts similar people and that’s why they are called “a mirror” because they are attracting people with similar issues.  This emotional drama bonds the two together like glue.

The only way to stop attracting these types of relationships is for people to work on themselves to become whole and happy internally.  This takes time, commitment and many of tears but the outcome is phenomenal and well worth the struggle.

Creating a self love/self care routine is paramount to getting over the hump of attracting unhealthy love.

Be the person you want to date, this is brilliant.

If you want to date someone happy, humble, emotionally and physically healthy you need to be that person.  You cannot possibly attract that type of person if you are living inside your own head, insecure, needy and desperate for love to fill a void.

You can only attract a healthy partner…if you are healthy.

It is possible.