I have always been in long term relationships or at least long term dating. I grew up in a dysfunctional home therefore I had no concept of what a “healthy relationship” was, I just knew I was happiest when I was in a relationship, even if it wasn’t good for me.
I used to call myself a serial monogamous. If I met someone and we started dating that was it for me, we were a couple. Instead of taking the time to get to know someone and even date (not sleep with) multiple people at a time to determine what type of person is right for me, I just went 100mph into a long term relationship, even marriage..twice.
I missed and even ignored many red flags, my favorite men were the “emotionally unavailable ones” that allowed me to chase them. I fought for relationships that any healthy person would have let go of way before the relationship began. I was always the person that saw the potential but not the actual person. To me, all this was worth it because it was better than being single. You see, being in a relationship defined me. I felt less than if I wasn’t partnered up.
So, two failed marriages later…one of them quite toxic, I decided after my second divorce to stay single until I was truly ready for a healthy relationship. I can tell you its like anything else, in the beginning it feels lonely and dreadful. However, over time something magical happened……. I started focusing on myself. All that energy I spent focusing on a partner, all that energy I used trying to establish my place in relationships or trying to make my partner happy (even when I knew it was impossible) I started using on myself. I would rely on myself to make decisions, I started taking better care of myself (yoga, morning facials, meditation, hot baths, eating better), I started focusing on the things I liked vs. what I thought he liked, I started reading and writing in my journal daily. Through this Journey I am getting to know me and through this experience I am learning that I have been in the wrong relationships my entire life. These lessons I have experienced with these breaks up pushed me to stay true to myself, work on myself and learn who I am. What I like, what I don’t and what I really want from myself, life, and a relationship.
I have discovered there is no timeline for anything in life, especially healing. I am so grateful for this time with myself as it has allowed me to know me and I really like who I am, who I am becoming and I am so excited for this next phase in my life.
Below is a list of things that I think are crucial to do while you are single:
- Find yourself
- Remove unhealthy people from your life
- Invite new people into your life
- Reconnect with old friends
- Spend time with happily married people
- Get in shape
- Travel, solo
- Take yourself out to dinner at least once
- Reclaim your virginity
- Learn something new
- Take a class
- Start therapy
- Find a LifeCoach
- Get healthy (start a personal wellness plan)
- Read, all the time
- Binge watch Netflix
- Figure out what you want in a person and journal it, often
- Set standards, be picky and don’t settle, ever
- Spend time with family
- Start a keystone habit
- Treat yourself with kindness
This list is my “single life guide” and will probably add to it as time goes on. I plan to enjoy this solo Journey as long as it lasts knowing that when the time is right, the most amazing person is going to walk into my life and it is just going to fit and I will be ready (that is the important part).
It is easy to jump from one relationship to another to avoid being alone and focusing on ourselves but there is no true benefit to it. Staying solo, working on yourself and discovering who you are is priceless.
I empower you to take time for you and discover your true self!