And so it begins….the transformation of my once broken soul to a strong, confident, happy and balanced person.
I was once a very anxious, scared little girl living inside a grown woman’s body. I cared so much about what others thought of me, I was terrified of making decisions and although I appeared extremely confident on the outside, my insides would scream at me that I was not good enough.
I still feel that way at times. Insecure and sad, abandoned and scared. The difference now is that I honor those feelings instead of trying to push them away.
Navigating through childhood “stuff”, loss of significant people in your life, loss of what you perceived as love, recognizing and dealing with bad choices and their consequences are all very heavy burdens to handle. Not all of us are equipped with the tools to deal with most of these things. These are the things that can destroy us internally.
However, through my own Phoenix Process – I have learned that if you feel your feelings and don’t try to push them away you will work through them much faster and most of the time they will pass (if you let them). Holding on to them can feel like you are protecting yourself, like a shield, but the reality is you are only hurting yourself and prolonging your healing.
If you do everything in your power to avoid feeling your feelings…by drinking, over planning your time, drugs, sex, pornography, clinging to relationships..you are prolonging the entire process of healing and actually making things worse.
It takes time to process feelings and avoiding them doesn’t make them go away, unfortunately they get stored in our subconscious and eventually those thoughts and feelings you are trying to avoid come seeping out….through anxiety, depression, nightmares, anger, however your body wants to process them. There is NO escaping these thoughts and feelings no matter how much you drink, eat, have sex, etc. They will always be there.
So my advice is to truly feel your feelings….cry until there are no more tears left…and please know that at some point this period of sadness/anxiety will pass and you will feel so much better as you catapult to the next stage of healing.
It is also important to create new good memories which will ultimately replace the older ones that are stuck in your mind. We tend to cling to what feels good and forget what hurt us in the past. I assume this is for survival. However it is not healthy to hang on to the past and focus only on what felt good, just as its not healthy to ruminate about what hurt you. There comes a point in time, once we have let our feelings seep in, that we have to let go and move on from the past (good and bad) and focus on what is in front of us.
We truly are the director of our own lives and we do have the ability to construct our lives exactly how we want them to be. With a little time and effort and some real belief in yourself and the Universe, you can live the life you want…within reason. Set your expectations to a realistic measure and start making better choices that involve self care and self love. Remove toxic people from your life, think before you act, do not engage in self fulfilling prophecy’s and focus on how you would like to feel. Everything is about feelings and how things make us feel. Love is a feeling, sadness is a feeling, happiness is a feeling. Construct your life in a way that makes you feel good.
But also understand that you will not be happy every single day of your life. There will be days you question yourself, your friends, your lover and your choices. That is ok. How in the world would we be able to recognize things are good if there was no “bad”. We wouldn’t. The bad times are what help us appreciate all the good we have.
Write down (right now) about 10 things in your life that you are grateful for and smile as you write them. Say each thing out loud and say thank you like 2 or 3 times with true gratitude.
I am personally grateful for so many things…my beautiful children, my peaceful and zen home, yoga, Luke (my beautiful and smart Golden), my friendships, peace, food and water, my career and financial stability, my gardens, the earth/nature, travel, amazing coffee. The list really and truly is endless.
Everyone can list their lack, the things they don’t have, the things they want, the things they miss, but that just creates more lack. Focusing on what you do have will help you attract more and more wonderful things, even if they aren’t exactly what you want. The Universe has an incredible way of providing us what we need.
As a survivor of abandonment and trauma I can tell you that the mind is a very powerful thing and it is actually what gets us into trouble 99% of the time.
We literally create most of our own issues by:
- focusing on the past and not whats happening in front of us
- ruminating – allowing thoughts to run rapid in our minds
- not appreciating the things we have and always creating a feeling of lack
- not letting go of anger
- not dealing with our issues and letting them fester inside us
- loving people that are wrong for us and treat us poorly
- not valuing ourselves and putting ourselves first
- not practicing self love and care
- allowing others to define our worth
- giving away our power
We do not have to do this, we can gain control of our thoughts (if not fully, partially) and re-direct them back to a positive and happy thought process. It takes practice and consistency but through yoga, meditation, mindfulness, earthing and grounding and many other wonderful techniques it can be done.
I am finally at a place where I can fully let go of my negative thoughts just by using my tools that I have learned the past two years.
Being able to do this has totally changed my life and it can change yours.
Feel your feelings, let them in and let them go…