We have all been in love.
You know the feeling! It is all consuming – starting with the butterflies and your heart melting at every glance. Now you know, without a shadow of a doubt, he / she is the one.
When you are together you are whole, complete, happy and content. When apart you are miserable and aching to be with him / her.
Despite some glaring red flags and that screaming intuition in your gut, you know this is the person you want to spend your life with…together until the end.
Over time you learn that your priorities are not aligned and maybe you don’t have too much in common, but still, he / she is your soul mate.
Unfortunately, after the newness wears off and the hormones start to balance out you find that things become a little strained. Maybe the communication you once had starts to taper off a bit. Little things that never annoyed you before, start to irk you a bit. Sex doesn’t seem as exciting nor are you longing to rip his / her clothes off. You start spending less time together and your gut is screaming…something isn’t right.
But still you proceed.
One of you starts becoming distant….which causes the other to cling. Clinging naturally causes the other to run (and hide) and soon the clinger become a needy mess. The clinger start wondering what they did wrong. How did something soooo perfect change? and they need to fix it, NOW!
And so the cycle begins…
The relationship that seemed so perfect at the time has now fallen into the cycle of cat and mouse. When he is available she isn’t and visa versa.
Why, you ask?
Because the relationship does not have an ideal foundation. It is based off the initial chemistry (love/lust) and not what actually holds a couple together which is (a) knowing what each other wants and truly wanting the same things (b) similar interests and goals (c) a friendship (d) respect for each others space and outside interests. This is just a start.
A healthy relationship needs to start with two healthy people. People who have worked on themselves, have a strong balance of self love, the ability to be intimate and have a good relationship with themselves. This way they bring good and healthy things to the table and not their own emotional baggage.
When people fall in love instantly and cling to each other for comfort and happiness this becomes a recipe for disaster. This is the dance of the emotionally unavailable and let me tell you, nothing good comes from this dance.
Two unhealthy people clinging to each other in the midst of co-dependency cannot possibly build a healthy relationship until they work on themselves and find that balance of self love and emotional security. The gamble here is, once they do the work they may not be attracted to each other….and the relationship that once seemed so magical now appears very dysfunctional or they may find they are not rightly suited for each other.
Sometimes those magical relationships stem from the drama and chaos that lives inside themselves. That madness is like a magnet that attracts similar people and that’s why they are called “a mirror” because they are attracting people with similar issues. This emotional drama bonds the two together like glue.
The only way to stop attracting these types of relationships is for people to work on themselves to become whole and happy internally. This takes time, commitment and many of tears but the outcome is phenomenal and well worth the struggle.
Creating a self love/self care routine is paramount to getting over the hump of attracting unhealthy love.
Be the person you want to date, this is brilliant.
If you want to date someone happy, humble, emotionally and physically healthy you need to be that person. You cannot possibly attract that type of person if you are living inside your own head, insecure, needy and desperate for love to fill a void.
You can only attract a healthy partner…if you are healthy.
It is possible.