Divorce, and break-ups in general are very difficult to process and move on from. For many reasons, separating from someone we love leaves us feeling lost and desperate for answers. Many times we blame ourselves in hopes that if we take ownership of the breakup we can then fix it and not have to suffer with this pain any longer.
The pain can be so deep that it triggers other emotional issues inside us, ones that we thought we buried and would never see again. Sometimes break-ups are the Universes’ way of getting us to deal with our issues instead of filling voids and living the day to day as if these issues do not exist. That’s called denial.
Being divorced twice and losing both husbands in a similar and pretty traumatic way I realized the Universe was sending me a message…it was the same message both times and this time I listened.
Below are my simple tips of letting go and moving on after a divorce (or breakup):
- Let yourself go through the stages of grief/loss – A divorce or breakup of a significant relationship is quite similar to a death. In order to move forward you must go through the stages of grief. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance and they are a critical part of the framework that makes up our learning to live without the one we lost. They help us to gain the tools we need to help us identify what we may be feeling, however there is no exact timeline when it comes to the healing process and you may bounce around from grief to anger and back to denial before you hit acceptance. Healing is not linear.
- Accept that healing takes time – As I stated, there is no time table and healing is not linear. Just know, you are where you are meant to be, healing. The more difficult the relationship and break up the harder the hit is to your body, mind and soul. You need to be compassionate with yourself and accept that it can take years to recover and that is OK! Honor yourself and where you are at, at every moment.
- Allow yourself time to heal – solo – Fix yourself and heal first before bringing someone else into your world otherwise you risk repeating the same patterns until you have learned the lesson you were meant to learn – the Universe is speaking to you so listen. The only way over it, is through it.
- Do not fill voids by immediately trying to replace your ex – Believe it or not, you are not ready for a new relationship! By jumping in to a new relationship, you are trying to fill a void to escape from hurt, that never works, it delays the healing process and puts other people at risk for heartbreak.
- Allow yourself to feel anger, fear and sorrow – These feelings are normal and are part of the healing process. Feel every feeling until you are numb to it. Stuffing your feelings does not work, facing them head on speeds up the healing process.
- Fill your life with interests and activities – Now is the time to try something new (new hobby, take a class, start an exercise routine), make new friends, and start some Keystone Habits (see my blog on Improve your life with these simple Keystone Habits). This creates a full and satisfying life. Become a better version of yourself!
- Make peace with your loss and try to forgive – If you focus too much on the loss and don’t let go of the story you will not get to acceptance and you will prolong the healing process. There is a lesson in all this, take the time to learn what it is.
- Let go of the story – Yes it was traumatic – yes you are in pain – yes you miss him or her – but if you do not let go of the story and make peace with what happened and why it happened you will delay creating a new and better story, one that doesn’t involve a traumatic breakup. Learn the lesson and move forward.
- Make time for yourself and figure out who you are as a person – I imagine you have spent a majority of time focused on your relationship and your significant other. Now it is time to focus on yourself and figure out who you are and what makes you tick. Fall in love with yourself!
- If you want to find a happy, nurturing, compassionate relationship, look for those qualities inside yourself – Do you have those same qualities you are looking for in another person? Remember … you are holding up your mirror so be who you wish to meet! Its that simple.
Once you change your mindset from loss to opportunity, the healing process will be a much easier Journey to the next story of your new and wonderful life.
Please share this with others who you think will benefit from this article.