So here I sit, with a body full of hives, a pinched nerve in my neck and that old anxiety that has creeped back into my life again. To my dismay I think to myself what is going on here? have I reverted back to my old self? stressed out, anxious, full of fear and insecurity and worst of all, riddled with anxiety?
It was then that I realized, only if I allow it.
I know now, what I didn’t know then, which is that I have all the control. I have the ability to ward off old feelings and stop playing those old tapes. I have the tools now to work through these moments of panic and nervousness, wherever they came from, it doesn’t matter, what matters is I have the skills to manage them.
My hives have taught me I need to slow down, relax, stop worrying and obsessing, stop concerning myself with what could be and focus on what is and most of all, to trust myself fully and completely. I am skilled and confident now, enough to make and trust my own decisions, to know what is good for me and to also understand that whatever I choice I made that didn’t work out, was meant to be a lesson.
My hives has also taught me to not focus on the outer beauty so much. At first I was so embarrassed to be covered in hives. I felt hideous and disfigured. Which led to some reflection on how I view myself in general, and I realized, I am never consistent with how I see myself. Since my teens, I have never felt beautiful enough, thin enough, fit enough, I never saw that I had beautiful long thick hair and I did not know how to dress or wear makeup. Sometimes I look back at old pictures and think, you dummy, you were adorable, tiny, fit and beautiful. You dressed fine and you didn’t need make up. There are times, now that I am 47 and a little more confident that deep down I KNOW I am beautiful and look younger than my age and am in good shape. Then there are those times because I am 47 that I feel bloated and worn and wrinkled, tired and hormonal. Nothing fits right, nothing feels good, my hair looks dull, my skin looks grey, my eyes have circles and my body is misshapen. I hate those moments. These feelings usually start about 10 days before my period and last until the day it starts. Then the cycle starts all over again.
So my hive taught me that I don’t feel good enough, and that mindset needs to change. Its bullshit, its incorrect, its insane actually, because I am enough, you are enough, we are all….enough.
These hives are teaching me to look past them and see what is underneath, which is a beautiful, smart, loving, kind and successful woman who is battling chronic hives.