I spent nearly three years alone….
After two failed marriages – I was desperate to find me. The only way I could figure out how was to go deep, go inward and spend time in solitude and it was a choice, my choice to do this until I felt I was strong enough to not lose myself in someone ever again.
At first it was hard, I had a huge group of friends but those friends were from a life I no longer wanted to be a part of. So I let them go, in order to find me.
I did everything alone and although at first it was incredibly painful and lonely, eventually it became comfortable and soothing.
I gave myself facials, took hot baths, read self help books, taught myself yoga and really just created a safe space in my home where I would shut the world out and go deep inside myself. After a certain hour I didn’t take phone calls, I didn’t make plans…I just spent time with me.
It was an incredible time…
I enjoyed being with myself, but I knew it was time to open my heart and my mind to meeting someone who could add to my life. My goal was to find someone healthy to share myself with. Someone I could open up to…wounds, scars and all and say…this is me! I no longer worried about being “perfect”, I wasn’t afraid to say “I was fucked up”. I was ready to put all my hard word into motion.
I met someone!
He is wonderful, but not perfect. From day one I told him how “fucked up” I was and he liked that about me. He listened as I told him about my journey to find myself and he supports me today in my continued journey of self exploration, discovery and betterment.
But I won’t lie, it has been a very hard and scary road for me. I am feeling all these feelings that are familiar and ones that aren’t. I have had to decipher between his issues and mine. I have had to learn not to run when things get difficult. I have learned to embrace the difficult and stick through it knowing that the outcome can make you so much stronger.
I have done the work, the hard work that brought me to where I am at this moment.
You know, while I was in therapy and working in solitude to get to a healthier place, I always envisioned myself as this perfect being, no emotional drama, no anxiety, no fears. That I would be “fixed”.
And I am learning, that’s not how life works and I am ok with that. Life’s difficult moments are what teach us, guide us and allow us to be raw…to feel. Only when you feel can you work through the pain, the anxiety, and the fears…and start to rebuild new.
I am a natural “co-dependent” carrying different roles in each of my relationships. I have been the runner and I have been the chaser. Neither of these roles work when you are trying to be in a healthy relationship. It is through all the work that I have done the past three years that has taken me out of both roles. I do not run or chase, I just exist in the relationship and I love it.
I have learned SO much about myself, my past, my previous relationships and I am so grateful to have my eyes wide open and I have been blessed to see the reality of who I was.
Sometimes its tough to face the difficult vision, other times it is magical.
I know relationships will never come easy to me and I accept that. I know those old feelings of insecurity and discontentment may come creeping back up and I am ready for this challenge.
But what I do know is, I will not lose myself in someone else again and if I start to…I will reign it in, because I have truly become the person I was always meant to be and I am so grateful for that.
I hope the same for you!