We have all dated that person, the one that is never quite ready for a commitment (with you). They drive you to the brink of insanity and then pull you back with incredible passion that you have never experienced before. They bring out a side to you that you didn’t know you had in you. They are truly magical.
They keep you on your toes, as you wait with baited breath for every text, phone call and an eventual date. Every date is magical…leaving you wanting more and more but when the date is over, its drama city…tears, anxiety, sadness, confusion, wondering when and if you are going to see them again. Sound familiar?
They aren’t ready to give themselves up to you, however they have no problem spending all their time with you, having sex with you, sleeping over, sharing meals, planning vacations, and everything else real couples do…except they do it without the true commitment and monogamy.
Reality check, they are using you.
Whether its for comfort, simple companionship, money, sex, validation, attention, a place to crash, someone to fill their voids, someone who keeps them from being alone (with themselves), a person to chill with until someone better comes along. Whatever it is they need you are giving it to them and therefore they are using you and believe it or not, you hold the power to put an end to this madness.
We believe in our souls that if we morph into exactly what they want you us to be, they will love us. So we spend all our own precious energy on them and trying to make them happy which in turn will make them love us (and they don’t).
We chase them when they run and try with all our might to convince them how amazing we are (they see it, they just don’t care). Until one day you wake up and gasp at the fact that so many years have gone by and nothing has changed. It is at that moment you realize that no matter what you do…they will not love you, they do not want you or what you want (or say you want), and yes, that is when you swallow the fact that they have been using you.
You brush yourself off, cry until you throw up and decide to finally pull away and admit that you can’t do this anymore because there is nothing left of your self esteem and you are exhausted from giving so much of yourself and receiving nothing in return. You are ready to move on but the problem is, they are not!
So prepare yourself…they WILL come back and at full force (and this is not a good thing). They will promise you the world…the stars…their soul…as long as you don’t leave them. They love you, they will start respecting you more, they will spend more time with you, they realize how much they don’t want to live without you. Amazing huh? Wow, this is everything you ever wanted to hear! All you ever wanted in life is to be loved and for them to just realize how amazing you are and to see your value, to want you the way you want them. Now this is magical, they finally sees it and feel it, all I had to do was let go.
You are ecstatic, and without any thought process (or time) you immediately take them back – with no boundaries in place, you don’t make them prove themselves, no slow ease back into it. Nope, just as quickly as they came back after you, you go running back.
Surprise, they won!
Yes, unfortunately it is a game, and I am sorry to tell you, nothing has changed. Things are good for a little while, they showed you a little more attention, but ultimately things didn’t really change. Why would they? The reality is, people don’t change unless they want to and they actually change without doing the work that it takes to make those huge changes. They came running back to you out of fear! They didn’t want to lose their security blanket (yes that is what you were). You see, people who are emotionally unavailable or unable to commit fear abandonment more than anything in the world. So as much as they don’t want to commit to you, they don’t want to lose you either (mindscrew right?). It really is just a sad and lonely cycle of avoiding abandonment.
However, the good news is that eventually the cycle does end (if you are lucky) – leaving you exhausted, with they moving on to another person who is just like you (a door mat, sorry!) – leaving you in a heap on the floor. You cry, wish for another day with them, begging God for them to love you, because if he did your life would be complete. He is what makes life magical and worth living.
WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
They are your mirror, its that simple. You have played the emotional unavailability dance and its time for the music to stop. Its time to figure out why you too are emotionally unavailable and more vested in chasing men who don’t want you vs. finding out why you don’t really want them either.
Thankfully it is possible to end this cycle forever, abandon this dance and move towards a healthy and balanced relationship with an emotionally available person but ONLY when YOU become emotionally available yourself.
My dear this isn’t just about them…this is about you too.
So here are some ways to start becoming emotionally available and to start healing so you can seek and find a fabulous and stable relationship with someone who is available to you.
- Figure out your biggest fears! What is holding you back? – whether its fear of getting hurt, abandonment (most likely), being vulnerable, fear of engulfment, giving up your own space, whatever it is…identify it.
- Once you have identified it, write about it in your journal! – where does this fear stem from? childhood? when did you first notice this fear? write down every detail in your journal. once its identified and “out there” its much easier to work towards a resolution.
- Finding a resolution – depending on what your fears and issues are you may need to seek a therapist, counselor or life coach to work towards resolving these issues.
- Let go of people who have hurt you in the past – understand that getting hurt is a part of life – painful experiences are what teach us our biggest lessons so we can grow and learn to heal those parts of us that are holding on. let them go and yes, forgive.
- Think about your favorite people and write in your journal what you like about each and every one of them – after you have done this, send each of them a text and let them know you are grateful for their presence in your life.
- Next, write down your favorite things about you – for some people this will be an easy exercise and for others this will be very difficult. this exercise can help you identify how you view yourself – and as you know, how you see yourself is how others see you as well. what you put out into the Universe is what is coming back to you – full circle.
- Let go of your emotional addictions (I call them void fillers) – the over eating, the smoking, too much drinking, drugs, social media, sex, porn etc. these are not helping you in any way. learn to sit with your feelings, with yourself and be comfortable with them. this takes lots of practice, its uncomfortable and surely there will be a lot of tears and moments where you want to give up. don’t. learning to sit with your feelings is the biggest step to healing and best way to avoid starting a new cycle of emotional unavailability in another person – just to avoid feeling.
- Give your time, money, love and support to others who need it – there are so many people out there who are struggling. it feels good to help people, in any way, whether its to volunteer, donate money or household items. this is a great way to show gratitude for what you do have by giving to others that don’t have anything.
- Find yourself – you spent countless hours, months and even years catering to someone who didn’t see your value (this is because you don’t see your value). spend less time trying to find a man or woman to fill your void and validate you and more time figuring out who you are, what you want from life, and what makes you happy. when you do this, you will figure out what type of person you should have in your life and no longer will you accept someone who is not right for you, let alone chase them to make them see how great you are. you won’t need that.
- Love yourself – after you figure out who you are, treat yourself well. treat yourself and love yourself the way you want to be treated and loved. the saying really is true, how can someone love you and respect you if you don’t respect yourself. they can’t and they won’t. once you start loving yourself, it becomes a wonderful and healthy addiction. you won’t settle for less. I promise.
Emotionally unavailability is an invisible shield meant to protect us from hurt. The sad part is, it doesn’t protect us at all, it makes things worse.
Remove that invisible shield and start working on yourself today. If you would like to work with a coach to help you on this new Journey of emotional availability, contact us today.