As a society we fear loss.
Even if we are fearing to lose something that no longer serves us, we hang on tight for dear life in hopes to prevent losing whatever it is we are holding on to. We need to ask ourselves, what exactly are we holding on to and why? Is it our dream, the fantasy we created. Is it the fear of being alone or having to start over?
We rely on the comfort of knowing what is vs. the unknown because there really is comfort in knowing what to expect – even if its negative, emotionally starving, toxic and painful. This “perceived comfort” is why we stay in jobs that don’t make them happy or challenge us and actually causes us stress on a daily basis; or we stay in unhealthy relationships that are toxic (friendships included) – because we know what to expect from these relationships and this brings us a form of albeit toxic comfort.
The unknown is frightening for some of us but it also can be exciting if we learn how to shift our perspective from a fear based thought process to one of wonderment and surprise. Knowing what to expect from a situation can be comforting but can also keep us stuck in situations that do not promote growth.
We fear no longer having that “thing” even when it no longer brings us pleasure. We don’t understand the concept that this loss could ultimately make us happier, stronger and more fulfilled in life. The energy we use trying to avoid loss is insurmountable and unjust. It also prolongs the inevitable. If something is not meant to be in your life you have two choices, remove it or the Universe will. Trust me.
Letting go of what is holding us back from growth invokes fear in us, but it also proves that that we Trust that there is a Higher Power looking out for us, knowing what is best for us and changing our Journey for us which ultimately takes us to the next experience. If we let go of what no longer serves us and remove what is taking up space in our lives, we make room for what will ultimately make us more content and what will fill us up to become the person we so desperately deserve to be.
You only lose what you cling to – Buddha
We mostly struggle with letting go of people and our “idea” of them and we live with the assumption that people belong in our lives forever. That is simply not the case. Have you ever heard the quote “some people aren’t meant to be in our lives forever, some are just passing through to teach us a lesson”. This is the truth, yet we cling to them in fear of losing them even when the lesson they were meant to teach us has been learned. We simply struggle with letting go and moving on.
Co-workers, bosses, instructors, boyfriends, husbands, best friends are all influential people in our lives. Some stay, some go, some leave and even come back. Its the cycle of life. Each person we encounter brings something into our lives and I bet if you took the time to journal what each highly influential person brought into your life, good and bad, you would be able to see what lesson you learned was (in the event it wasn’t drastic or obvious).
The term “soul mates” flies around us and makes us believe there is this super special, amazing, spiritual “perfect” relationship for each and every one of us. Therefore, everyone wants and even expects to meet their soul mate. However, the true meaning of soul mate is a person who comes into your life, exposes you to yourself by holding up a mirror, shakes up your world, shows you what you need to work on and exits, painfully, the majority of the time. A soul mate is not meant to be in your life forever, although it can happen, nine times out of ten it doesn’t.
Buddha teaches us we are happiest when we live and love without attachment. I think the key word is attachment and I am going to say that our best chance at happiness is to live without unhealthy attachments like co-dependency. Losing ourselves in a relationship, putting our partners first, giving up our identities does not equal a happy and healthy relationship. We have to remember who we were before this person walked into our lives and stay true to ourselves.
So many of us, especially today, receive our validation from others and not ourselves. That is why there appears to be more mental illness, drug abuse and general discontentment in society today. The Facebook identity which always puts the best foot forward is also killing us. We are connected but isolated now more than ever. I could go on and on about social media and the negative effects it has on our life but I digress and will stick to the original topic.
Letting go is trusting that there is something better out there, even if that something better is you and only you. Loving yourself, validating yourself, trusting yourself is the key to healthy relationships and ultimately keeps us from staying in unhealthy relationships with spouses, friends, family or jobs that only cause us stress. Self love teaches us to trust that there is something better out there and we deserve it.
Self love, letting go, trusting yourself and that you are protected takes practice and is not an overnight thing. I speak of Stepping Stones often but that is because I believe that we need to take each day, one step at time and focus on ourselves. If you start today a year from now you will be blown away at the progress you have made, trust me, I live this way and its incredible.
Sure, letting go is super scary, but can also be very exciting if you shift your mindset.
As always please contact me if you feel Coaching on this or anything you struggle with would be beneficial to you.
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