There I was on the floor of our foyer, tears streaming from my face, her face is the only thing I can see…as I wail and scream out to no one “give him back, he is mine”.
That day feels like a lifetime ago and as if it was yesterday all at the same time. Its been nearly five years and life has changed for me in a way that I can’t even comprehend, let alone explain.
That loss, was unexplainable, but it was the catalyst to my recovery and healing. So I am grateful.
I have since learned one of the most painful lessons of all times…
“people are not ours to keep”– me
Sometimes we are lucky enough to be with someone for a long period of time but they are not ours forever. People don’t “belong” to us. They are not our property. They are their own beings, souls and entities living life as we are. If we look at them as if we “own” them we are bound to experience extreme pain if they are to leave.
The reality is, we are simply borrowing them for a period of time. We are sharing life with them, we are creating experiences, learning our lessons and then sometimes they or we move on to what is next. Whether its months or years, through breakups, divorce or death…we simply do not have someone forever. To think we do is a fantasy and we are only fooling ourselves into thinking we have security in someone, because we don’t.
Security lives within ourselves. The life we create must be a life where we are content with who we are outside of that other being. That being has their own journey in this life and it isn’t guaranteed that we will be on that path with them for all time.
In my coaching practice I focus on the importance of being with self and enjoying that company. If there is a fear of aloneness, and I mean a true genuine fear, this can be catastrophic to the well being of that person who holds that fear.
A fear of being alone can lead to many different problems such as settling for less, accepting toxic behavior and abuse, and eventual devastation when a person leaves and they are left alone.
Being with self can be magical, healing, secure and serene. Reframing “alone” to a mindset of “being with self” is a much more positive view and helps us to understand that we are always with self, even if we are surrounded by people.
Ever know someone that has told you they feel completely alone even in a room full of people. That’s because those people don’t fill the void, and when you are not in love with yourself, when you are not content with yourself…that room full of people can feel emptier than if you were all by yourself.
For me, when I am not feeling the love for myself, that room full of people sounds like mindless chatter and chaos. That is when I want to crawl into myself the most.
That feeling is what shows me where I am and what I need at that time.
Personally, despite being very outgoing and confident, I get my energy from my alone time. People tend to deplete me of my energy and its that alone time that I seek for respite. I love the space that I have allowed myself to be whole, to cry, to be creative, to do yoga, sit in silence, read, write, journal and just be. Without this space, I would feel lost.
We can fill ourselves up and make ourselves whole so we don’t have to be so attached to the fantasy that a person or relationship is forever, because there is no such thing and we shouldn’t need this. Yes, we all enjoy a persons company, we love the smell and the touch of another being, but they should not be what makes you feel whole.
So please, love yourself deeply, attach to yourself and watch the magic unfold.