A few years ago during a session with my one of my therapists we discussed (what else?) relationships….present, past and potential. When he asked me what it was that I wanted out from a relationship and a partner, my response was that I had already received exactly what I had asked for…my ex-husband. I felt like I had gone to a relationship counter, said hi to the relationship barista and ordered my person in which they delivered him to me exactly how I imagined. Kind of like when you order at Starbucks and they nail it, amazing feeling right? I had placed my order for my perfect match.
So, that’s what I thought I did!
As I described to my therapist how my ex-husband had made his entrance into my life….his response was, “wow, that does sound magical” and I perked up and replied, “oh yes, it was!”.
The way I tell the story it certainly does sound quite magical, however, magic isn’t always the reality of the situation. What can seem “magical” to one person might seem like a nightmare to another. True story.
Reality is, this is why I go to therapy <smiles>.
I kept on with the conversation, describing my ex to my therapist and he finally says to me in a very coy way, “well, that certainly does sound magical, but let me give you a pragmatic perspective”. Nerd alert – I instantly fell in love with the word “pragmatic”.
So we went in to what I like to call a deep dive into my thoughts and perceptions and we broke down every little detail that I considered “magical”, with his pragmatic approach. Sure enough, I had completely dramatized the entire relationship…from the beginning of our courtship to the demise of our marriage. He apologized for bursting my magical bubble (laugh out loud), but truthfully, I was more than OK with that bubbled being burst because it was the catalyst to my healing journey and the reality itself was refreshing.
I absorbed that conversation on my drive home and when I got home I started to really process the reality of the nine years I spent with this person. I used the pragmatic approach and found that the reality was much different than the fantasy I had created in my head. The boy meets girl story wasn’t so magical, in fact it was quite dysfunctional and if I were who that girl today on the day that he entered my life…things would have gone much differently.
I am grateful for intense therapy, coaching, a deep self-love and a significant amount of time alone to work on myself and heal those childhood wounds that kept me from seeing the reality of things.
Unfortunately, I had lived in a “fantasy” world since I was a child. Now that I see it, I recognize the patterns and understand why they existed. This was one of my survival skills as a child into adulthood. This is what protected me from my inner demons.
Getting out of fantasy and into a reality mindset has been mind blowing, terrifying, a bit mundane all at the same time. I won’t lie, fantasy can feel better than reality sometimes but this is not a healthy way to see the world around you – the fantasy lens. Reality keeps you grounded and focused on what is happening, now. Not memorializing the past or creating a fantasy future. Just living in the now.
So, I have taken off my rose colored glasses and I am committed to using this approach in all areas of my life. I am willing to see things for what they really are vs. what I would make them out to be or how I may perceive them. Perspective is such a good thing to have which is why having a trusted therapist or Life Coach is a true blessing and so critical when you are working to change your life’s path and the way you see the world.
I encourage you to deep dive into your life and be pragmatic about the details – ask yourself, am I in reality or is this magical thinking.
Leave a comment and let me know how you see the world!
**As always, if you are interested in scheduling a free Life Coaching session please Contact Avesha Empower today**