Changing relationship patterns is not easy.
These patterns, whether they be co-dependency, addiction to toxic love/people or being love avoidant are all ingrained in our psyche and we literally have been carving out this pathway in our brain from the time we first experienced whatever trauma brought us to this place.
Ahh that pesky word, trauma, but as we know it is the route of all things bad in our lives and its the reason why we see things and do things the way we do. Unresolved trauma wreaks havoc on our soul, our psyche, our decision making and ultimately every relationship we have…intimate or not.
We so badly want to experience deep healthy love, we want to fall so deep into love that we get lost in the feeling as we sink deeper and deeper. We fantasize endlessly about this love and how magical it will feel. We search for this perfect person who is going to bring us this magic well of deep love, we search and search until we may actually find them (or what we believe is them) and then we panic because now its real life and not a fantasy.
It doesn’t feel very magical does it? it actually feels fucking terrifying and borderline difficult.
Because relationships are not magical, they are not meant to fix us or heal us, they are not an endless supply of validation and the people who choose to be in our lives are not obligated to give us anything more than what they are able to.
We have watched too many Hallmark movies and romcoms, seen too many EHarmony commercials and read too many love stories that now our minds are completely skewed. We have the unhealthy vision of what a relationship should be like and what love actually is.
Love is two completely different souls coming together … but still needing to be individuals and not losing themselves in each other.
Love is balance.
Love is understanding that each of you are separate people and weren’t brought on to this earth to make the other happy however, you were brought to each other to add to your individual happiness.
I am sure you have heard a million times over that happiness doesn’t come from anything external, it is an internal source. This is a new concept and it is so true. We have always been taught that you need to get married, have babies, make money, buy things, go on vacation, blah blah and all these magical things will make you happy.
Some of the happiest people have nothing and unhappiest people have everything.
Not really surprising though. Did you ever want something so bad that it consumes you and then you finally get it and a week, month or year later it has lost its luster and you actually are no happier having it than not.
Again, love and happiness does not come from other people, “things” or external sources. It comes from within. It is self love, self care, self admiration, self soothing, self healing and self confidence.
So, the reason these patterns are so difficult to change is because they are ingrained in us from all the trauma we have experienced in our lifetime. The trauma that told us we are not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough and we don’t deserve to be loved completely to the core.
So we either chase love that isn’t available to us or we run from love that is. This is what we do until we learn to love ourselves, become whole and realize we are worthy of a deep love from someone who isn’t there to magically change our world but to just love you for exactly who you are…perfectly imperfect.
Self love is the key to changing those patterns and gives us the power to receive a healthy love in return.