A letter to a covert narcissist

To the man who enters the dating scene with the knowledge that he is completely unavailable, love avoidant, love phobic and a womanizer with a deep rooted fear of commitment/engulfment and an inability to commit but continues to date women who have the desire for a real true commitment.

Please fix yourself!

This poor unsuspecting woman who you are gaslighting has no idea who you really are, and won’t for a while and when she does, it will be too late.

She doesn’t know that you are broken, terrified and deeply troubled. She has no idea that behind your inflated ego and narcissistic behavior lies a very broken, emotionally tortured little boy who gets all of his validation from women. She doesn’t realize that the strength and independence that attracted you to her will eventually be what you use against her. She also doesn’t understand that eventually she will temporarily lose that strength as you slowly rape her of her self worth.

She doesn’t know this, yet, because you have not shown her your true self. You have not removed the mask.

You, my dear narcissist, have only shown her what you want her to see which is ultimately what only lies on the surface. Early in the relationship you are wearing your “great guy” mask. You are so very attentive and loving, strong and loyal, affectionate and romantic and as luck would have it, you are everything she has ever wanted in a man. She asks herself “is this too good to be true?” and “how did I get so lucky?”

Hold on sister….it definitely is too good to be true and you aren’t so lucky.

You lay on your sob story real thick. The story is always the same. It always includes how someone wronged you, someway, somehow. You are the poor unsuspecting victim of your life. Your ex is crazy or a monster and she destroyed your world. Truth be told, this story makes you so much more loveable because you are vulnerable in her eyes. How could someone hurt you she asks, you are such a great guy!

Then she jumps on your bandwagon of despise for your ex and anyone else who has wronged you. She has become your biggest cheerleader and support system.

You play the game for a while, but slowly the mask starts to slip and that “great guy” is starting to show the signs that things may not be what they seem. Maybe things aren’t that great. She starts questioning things silently, in her mind, wondering if she is really seeing what she thinks she is, she tells herself that maybe she is just overreacting although her gut is screaming at her that something isn’t right, sadly she ignores it. She passes it off as anxiety regarding work, the kids, her boss, whatever.

Its anything but you.

As time goes on things become really clear that you have “changed” or that is her perception. Things were so great in the beginning. She starts to question herself and what she could have done wrong to make you change. The truth is that you haven’t changed, THIS is who you really are and always have been. That great guy is just a façade, an unsustainable act. She starts to panic as self blame kicks in and she is left wondering where that great guy went and works harder at trying to bring him back.

As you become more irritable, distant and start to withdraw she becomes super clingy, needy and fearful. You have successfully triggered her abandonment. Sadly this needy behavior is exactly what makes you run far and fast only she doesn’t understand that, she feels like if she tells you how much she loves you, constantly, and gives you exactly what you need (by trying to anticipate your every need), things will go back to normal.

But it never does, does it?

You are a chameleon, you know exactly how to be who you need to be for your audience and your audience is always the same. The sad reality is that you have no idea who you actually are because you have been wearing these masks for so long. There is absolutely no depth to you, no substance, and all of your relationships are surface level and empty. You have no real connection to anyone, not even yourself.

Your love life is like a board game and the women are just pawns, remove one out and insert a new one in, there is no depth or connection, these women all serve the same purpose. They validate you, they keep you from being alone and with yourself and they provide you with consistent sex until you eventually take that away too.

All of this behavior keeps cycling until eventually……

She wakes up, whether it be on her own or through her support network. She recognizes your game and maybe even plays the same game with you, that is what the smart ones do. She eventually catches on to your bullshit, your sob stories, your addictions, your lack of commitment and the fact that you are using her with no intention of committing. She has grown tired and bored of your game…and she moves on (hopefully) to someone completely opposite of you once she heals from the trauma you have inflicted on her.

You, however, move on immediately to find the next pawn in your love game. You don’t event look back! Remove one, insert another. The truth is, women are all the same to you, a means to avoid being alone and having to look at your life and how you live it. You have an intense and crippling fear of being by yourself despite your statement that” you love to be single” as long as you have a woman you can latch on to like a tick and eventually drain her of her last breath.

Since you are a more “covert” style narcissist the damage that you cause IS repairable, thankfully, and most women move on recognizing exactly who you really are. If she is grounded in who she is she will be thankful for the lesson you taught her and she will move on and heal and become even stronger and more vigilant when it comes to men and relationships. She will have a true sixth sense for this type of man.

However, this does not protect your next victim and the victim after that because you truly are so unsuspecting, the perfect covert narcissist.

Its your turn to fix yourself and become whole and grounded in who you are. Resolve that trauma that brought you to this behavior and begin working on the things that cause you to use women as a tool for your survival. When you begin to start loving and respecting yourself, you will learn to live without those survival skills by building different coping skills and teaching yourself how to use them.

With some introspection and a true self evaluation you can take the steps to heal those wounds that are causing you so much pain that you are unable to be your true self.  Stop clinging to the idea of who you are and looking to women to validate that this is truth. Find out who you are and build on that.  The truth is, you know something isn’t right and that your behaviors are deeply troubling, but you don’t know how to fix it, so you continue this behavior because you don’t know any other way.  Unfortunately you created these survival skills because you don’t believe in yourself, you do not love yourself and by controlling every ounce of your surroundings and not letting anyone get through your armor, you feel you are protecting yourself.  

My advice is to remove the armor, seek therapy and/or coaching and heal those deep rooted childhood wounds that told you that you weren’t good enough. Take a much needed break from women and all things that validate you.  Do the deep inner work so that you can see women and relationships as a means of love and support not a means of control and validation.  Start loving yourself so deeply and madly that hurting someone else would ultimately deeply hurt you.

Healing from narcissism is very difficult but not impossible.  It takes self awareness, dedication, commitment and a whole lot of self love to get past the root cause of these behaviors.  

You are not alone in this!


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