Five years ago today, my world came crashing down around me.
Its 5am, my husband jumps out of bed and yells at me to go make coffee…I look down at a my phone and there are so many messages from Pete…why?
For months I knew something wasn’t right, but we had only just gotten married, how can things have gone so wrong so quickly. The signs were there. This man who was borderline obsessed with me, knew my every move, hated being away from me, was slowly drifting away before my very eyes.
My soul knew, my heart knew and of course my mind knew, but I didn’t want to face it. Me, the strong resolver type, wanted to bury her head in the sand, much like a flamingo. Do better, make things perfect, act happy and make him happy and all of this will go away.
Nope, the Universe had other plans for me and for us.
I could go into detail about the signs, the obsession with his body, always on his phone, always on Facebook messenger, chronically working out, manscaped to oblivion, no interest in sex with me, excuses as to why he was working so late or always at the gym. Despite me being a little spitfire, I lost my strength to battle this.
I did “accuse” and he would just call me “crazy” and tell me I needed help.
I did see the signs, I did confront, but was met with such resistance, so I let it go. But my body didn’t. I was sick all the time, my stomach hurt, my eyes swelled, I cried all the time, I knew….deep in my soul that this man was with another.
True to form, the Universe told me what I needed to know but didn’t want to know.
He was having an affair with a married woman that he worked with. A woman who came to our wedding and watched us get married. A woman who I spent the night before with at a dinner party where she acted as if she wasn’t fucking my husband. She befriended me. My husband said “isn’t she cute”. I thought it was weird and um, no I didn’t find her cute. He told me he loved that he had his wife and mistress at the same dinner party, it turned him on.
He was my life, my soulmate, my reason for being and she took him.
Its 5am, I see the messages from her husband and as I look down to read them, my husband exclaims “I am having an affair”. The pain, even though I knew, was unbearable. I had this weird pull between hold me and please just die. The man I would normally go to for solace, was the one hurting me. I was alone, I had no one.
My soul died right there….
At that moment, everything changed.
I know a lot of women are able to forgive and move on, but not me. He knew, even if he ended it with her, cleaned himself up and never cheated again, I would never look at him the same. I have too much self respect buried deep inside me that I would never be able to unsee the visions that he planted in my head. I would never be able to digest him being with another woman, lying to me, sneaking around, manipulating, and breaking up another marriage other than his own. That takes a really really bad person and he knew I couldn’t allow myself to be with someone like that, so for understanding me so well, I thank him.
What unfolded for an entire year was something out of a true on Lifetime movie. There was drama, chaos, and the inability to let go at times. But my resolve was strong and my drive to move forward and be happy was even stronger. I eventually let go and let them be. I know he struggled and felt the pain I did, despite him being that source, I trust he hurt as much as I did.
Affairs are something that cannot be fucked with and I wasn’t willing to battle something so strong especially when the outcome would be winning a manipulative lying cheater. There comes a time, no matter how hard, when you have to let go and say OK YOU WIN! and I did.
However, it was me that won in the end!
So five years later I look back and think wow, that feels like yesterday and 20 years ago all at the same time. Gratefully the pain is less but I don’t think it will ever leave me. I am hoping it stays to remind me not to give my power away; not to be so blind to others and their behaviors; and to always be vigilant and act on red flags and never let anyone hurt me in that way again.
Our scars are meant to show us what we went through and how we survived. I am proud of myself for being so strong and letting something go by Trusting that the Universe really does have my back, even if I don’t know what’s next.