My whole life I have been strong, independent, feisty and incredibly driven.
Growing up in a seriously dysfunctional household, I handled it many different ways. I acted out, a lot and to maintain a sense of sanity I gained complete control over my own life and choices at a very early age.
I have always been seeking what I fear the most, an amazing man. However, despite this deep desire, I have spent more time than I can even fathom chasing the un-available, the toxic, the broken and abusive just to conquer them and somehow prove I am worthy. Although this has been a subconscious act, I am now privy to this information and have decided to stop the cycle of self abuse.
I have become a very successful, strong, beautiful, competent woman, there is no doubt, and for that I am sincerely proud and never want that to change. It is who I am, to the core. But…I was also cold, controlling, possessive and gained an incredible fear of intimacy and vulnerability (which I have since been working on). I became completely emotionally unavailable myself and dare I say avoidant.
So although I crave, desire, need and want a deep, intimate, vulnerable and healthy love more than I could EVER express to you…I have been incapable on every level and my relationship history completely supports this.
The truth is, we are drawn to what we know, and what we are comfortable with. So although we may desire connection, presence, love, loyalty and depth, unfortunately we seek what we are, it is a fact.
I have been really digging deep the past few years, more intensely this past 6 months, focusing on compassion and forgiveness and I am working with my inner child to heal those deep deep wounds and filling those holes that have left me in this place that I reside.
I have been walking around with this invisible armor around me, literally repelling any sort of intimacy or vulnerability. I should just wear a sign across my heart that says “keep out”. I puff up my chest and brag about how capable I am, how I am self sufficient and successful and that I don’t need a man for anything. The problem is, this is why I don’t have a man.
No wonder I am single.
The reason I was chasing down unavailable men is because I was completely unavailable myself. Remember, we seek what we are (the mirror). (Please note, I say “was” because I will no longer see myself that way. The madness ends now.)
I have been Enlighted….
I watched a wonderful show the other day that focused on why beautiful, smart, independent and successful women are single. Without going into the entire show, which I would love to, I will share with you my highlights.
- We all have something that gets in the way of a healthy relationship – whether its fear, anxiety, over analyzing, having too strict of criteria, insecurities or all the above….something gets in the way.
- We have limiting beliefs such as – all the good men are taken; men can’t be trusted; all men cheat; I don’t need a man for anything, I can do it all myself. Sound familiar?
- We are not in touch with our feminine side therefore we are not attracting masculine energy – we are not available, accessible or soft – which is what feminine means.
- We see vulnerability and soft as “weak”.
- We stay in bad relationships because we are afraid to be alone and refuse to believe there is someone good out there.
- We don’t feel worthy.
- We aren’t ready to give the three A’s – Affirmation, Acknowledgement and Appreciation.
- We haven’t filled our Daddy Holes a/k/a we haven’t resolved our daddy issues.
This show was nothing more than an AHA moment for me on so many levels. Not only for me but for my beautiful, strong, successful and independent coaching clients.
Basically, the message is…
“He can’t show up if you don’t need him”.
So I am challenging myself to change my perspective and to start recognizing why I really DO need a man. Every day I am going to journal about what a GOOD, HEALTHY, LOVING, SUPPORTIVE and SOLID man can bring into my life. I am going to let go of the emotional baggage I have been carrying around which includes the limiting beliefs I have packed away in that baggage along with the past boyfriends who have shown me that I can’t need them, which is what helped me develop this invisible shield of independence that I am now so ready and willing to shed.
Needing a man doesn’t mean I will give up my strength, passion, drive and success! On the contrary, needing a good man will provide me support and partnership because he will love these things about me and won’t punish me for being who I am – just the opposite, he will bring the best out of me.
So, starting yesterday I am working to let go of these fears that have had me bound for so long in believing I am not worthy of needing anyone but myself. I encourage you to do the same.