why infidelity will never plague my life again

Infidelity can rock your world and turn it upside down. True healing from infidelity is a long hard and painful process full of many ups and downs. When you come out the other side, you truly are a different person. Stronger, smarter and more aware of how fragile your soul can be. You learn that life doesn’t go as you plan and people are not always who you think they are.

Infidelity changes you as a person.

I am three years years away from the entire experience and as crazy as it sounds I am grateful for having gone through it. I remember moments I never thought I would survive, but I did. I never thought the tears would stop, I never thought I would be able to swallow food again. I couldn’t imagine ever being able to forgive. But I have.

I used to wish them death…daily. Now I don’t even think about them.

How did I get here? I did the “work” I needed to do to heal and move past the pain and the feeling of rejection and detestation.  In doing the work I developed coping skills which helped me to work through the triggers when they started to overwhelm me. Now, I don’t get those triggers anymore. I have successfully worked through the feelings, the triggers and arrived at a place of acceptance.

How did I get to acceptance?

Well, after my (ex) husband and I split, I did not immediately get into a relationship, I did not look to others to make me feel better, I did not drink, do drugs, or have sex with strangers in hopes it would take my pain away.  I didn’t do anything that would prolong my healing.

What did I do?

I did what any good therapist would tell you to do, I figuratively sat in my shit.

What that means is I felt EVERY SINGLE OUNCE OF PAIN ONE CAN FEEL.  I mourned the loss of my husband to this other woman, I mourned the loss of the people I called family, I felt sorry for myself, I let go of those who no longer served me, I took accountability for my actions, my part in his infidelity and the demise of our relationship.  I simply worked through every single thing I could so that I could move forward.

That was my healing journey and I am grateful to have had this amazing experience which allowed me to grow and blossom into the person I am today.

So with a clear mind and still a sacred soul I can honestly tell you, I will never experience infidelity ever again.

How do I know this?

Because…

  1. I will never be in a relationship that is not clearly defined
  2. I will never love someone more than they love me
  3. I will never be with someone who does not share the same vision as me
  4. I will never be vulnerable with someone who does not respect me as a human being with feelings
  5. I will never be with someone who doesn’t have one nice thing to say about their last relationship, especially if it is the mother of their children
  6. I will never be with someone who is not emotionally available to me
  7. I will never be with someone who cannot commit to me, fully
  8. I will never be with someone until they are free and clear from a relationship
  9. I will never love someone who is not healthy for me
  10. I will never be with someone who isn’t fully committed to themselves and their happiness

Life is not easy, and that is OK!  If it were easy then what would be the point?   The struggle is what teaches us so many things and when we actually learn the lesson, it is then that we can move forward.

Onward with my Journey….

If you would like coaching on how to survive infidelity, please contact me and if you think this article was helpful and could be helpful to others, please share on your social media pages.

My goal and whole purpose of my writings and coaching is to help others in a time that people feel the most helpless.

Fitness Over 40 – Get up and get moving

If fitness isn’t your thing but you are so tired of feeling..well…tired and you lack motivation, energy and drive to do anything. Your clothes don’t fit right and you are growing tired of feeling like crap then its time to make a change. You don’t have to love fitness to get in shape, you just have to commit to a fitness program that works for you and your lifestyle.

It is a myth that in order to exercise you have to join a gym. That is complete garbage. You do not have to go to a gym to work out (unless of course you want to). I haven’t belonged to a gym in years. I do Pilates, Yoga, HIIT and Barre right in the comfort of my own home. I go for walks, runs, hikes and bike rides (weather permitting) and I do this all without setting foot in a gym.

In my experience with coaching people on fitness, the first steps need to be small ones. The most important step is that you need to set obtainable fitness goals.

Example of an obtainable fitness goal:

Start with taking a walk. Shoot for a half hour walk 3x a week. Then increase, either by adding a day or adding more time to the duration of the walk. Make it fun by creating a walking playlist or asking your friends to join you. You can do it in the morning, during the day at lunch time or coffee break time or after work/dinner. Wherever and whenever you can fit it, do it. Walk the dog, walk the baby in a stroller, walk to a friends house, it doesn’t matter…just get moving. Adding incline over time will help increase your metabolism and help build muscle.

Set the habit!

Next, after you have established an exercise routing, which usually takes about 26 days for something to become a habit. Then you naturally will want to start eating better, or maybe even stop smoking, or drinking but trust me when I say, setting healthy keystone habits will automatically make nasty habits disappear.

Once you have established your fitness and nutrition pattern you will need to stick to it. If you have to miss a day, make up for it by adding a little more time to your routing the next day. The goal is not to miss more than a few days otherwise you risk falling off the wagon and bad habits will start to develop. It is so easy to fall back into old negative habits because its comfortable and easy and sometimes you are happy just laying on the couch eating pizza and drinking wine. But remember how awful those things make you feel after a week of no exercise. All your progress will be down the tubes.

Don’t fall off the exercise wagon!

So if you are looking for a little motivation, would like to do some virtual personal training or you would like to pursue coaching with me contact me anytime day or night. I am here to help you make your fitness goals a reality

Steps to Clearing Emotional Pain

When you are in a place of healing and know that you have hit a wall, you have worked with a therapist and / or life coach to identify the causes of the issues you are experiencing, you have journaled, meditated and created a self care routine but you still feel like you are stuck … it is time for some emotional clearing.

Emotional Clearing is the practice of bringing awareness to our mental and emotional compulsions and reactions in order to “heal” them or integrate them. The end state of doing this work is Wholeness which is actually a step beyond enlightenment.

For these unresolved emotions to clear, they needs to pass through you. When these past emotions and feelings reemerge, they may lead to sadness, anger, fear, anxiety or depression. If you are feeling these emotions after or while going through an emotional clearing treatment, please rest assured that these feelings are completely normal. Do not try to avoid these feelings or shame yourself for feeling them. The most important thing to do during a healing process is to just let the emotions be. Just sit with the feelings and let them exist.

Please be thoughtful and patient with yourself, these emotions have been trapped and repressed in your subconscious for a long time. They most like stem from your childhood or early adolescence. We know that most people do not leave childhood unscathed. Even if you tell yourself you had a great childhood. There may have been something that affected you in a way where you repressed those emotions so you would not feel them. By pushing away feelings this could lead to emotions and negative feelings being trapped for many years. In extreme cases, these emotions developed into chronic physical symptoms without the bearer knowing it such as anxiety, depression, addiction, compulsion, chronic illness, etc.

It is important to remember we only have this one life and it is a gift. Even if things are hard and you feel you are in a constant emotional struggle, life is a precious gift and we only get one shot at it. We all have the opportunity to live a happy life with purpose. There is so much help and knowledge out there. Things are so different now then in the past. We have so many healing modalities right at our fingertips. Therefore I encourage you to start your healing today.

Emotional clearing is usually successful after a number of “sessions” or “treatments”. Most of these can be done in the privacy of your own home and others should be done by a certified “healing specialist”.

  • Start a yoga practice – yoga can be done at home or at a studio. it is a very versatile practice with so many benefits for our mind body and our spirit (there are specific emotional clearing poses that you should adopt into your yoga practice such as Goddess Pose, Pigeon Pose,Child’s Pose, Downward Dog, Malasana Squat, Legs up a wall or Waterfall Pose, etc.). If you would like to create your own yoga emotional clearing practice from home I encourage you to go to google and search articles about yoga for emotional clearing.
  • Meditation – clearing the mind is just as important as clearing the body. Its important to let go of old data that has lived inside your mind and has misguided you in the wrong direction. Its time to let go of any old thoughts and feelings, especially negative ones and replace them with good and positive thoughts. This can be done in any quiet space in your home. Designate a sacred space where you spend time with yourself.
  • Energy healing massage and / IET or Reiki – it works. This is where you need a licenses healer. I encourage you to research healers in your area.
  • Change your self talk and perspective immediately – this takes a good amount of time because you are basically reprogramming how you think act and speak about yourself. You have spent a lifetime thinking and acting a specific way and now I am asking you to completely change that. This can be done, but it takes time, commitment and dedication to the outcome.

The outcome once you put this practice into place is overwhelming in a good way. The results can be mind blowing. I can say this with pure confidence because I speak from experience. I put this practice into place and it virtually changed every aspect of my life. I once used to walk around with a pit in my stomach (total anxiety), a sleeping disorder, a basic negative outlook on life in general, with shallow friendships, bad/toxic/dangerous relationships with men and a very low sense of self worth.

Today, I am thrilled to say with a mixture of therapy, life coaching, spiritual coaching, yoga, meditation, a HUGE dose of self love and self care and true emotional clearing – I am the best person I can possibly be and each drive I thrive to be that much better. I am happy, calm, I no longer have that pit in my stomach. My friendships are deeper, my love relationship is amazing, my general outlook on life is extremely positive and I LOVE MYSELF!!

I continue to do a self care routine every single day and I treat myself the way I expect others to treat me. I do not allow negativity or drama in my sacred space and I have high expectations of those in my life. Yes, the occasional trigger happens, but I have the tools to work through the feelings and move forward.

There is hope, I promise and I am here to help you if you decide you are ready to take the next step.

Emotional Clearing is a necessary and critical last step to complete healing.

I hope this is helpful to you!

-A

The Key to Happiness Is….

Letting go of the past and not letting it define you. Easier said than done, I know. But if you look at the past as a means of learning and if you don’t allow yourself to live in the past, you can redefine your future and use all the lessons you have learned to do so. How many times have you been in a moment of despair, the depths of sadness and a place of not knowing how to move forward. Then as time ticks on, so does life, it doesn’t stop for your problems or your worries, it just keeps going. Therefore so do you. Then time passes, things get better and maybe you even look back at those times that felt devastating to you and you think wow, I am so happy that happened, I totally get why! This is why you have to….trust that the Universe has your back (see below…Trusting the Universe). The past is just that and it has nothing to offer you except life lessons. Take those lessons and move forward in a positive direction and learn from those mistakes, heartaches and incredibly tough times. Always work towards the future and be mindful of each moment because you will never get that moment back.

Trusting yourself to make decisions that are best for you in any situation. Whether you are looking to change careers, are new to dating, deciding whether to have children or not, changing your household status….these are huge decisions that require much thought and contemplation. Trust yourself, listen to your gut and never ignore a bad feeling. Trusting yourself to do right by yourself if the first step in trusting others.

Trusting the Universe to provide you with what you need. Believe it or not, the Universe is listening to you. There is a saying ….”what you think about you bring about”. This is the truth. What you obsess over, you bring to fruition. So if you don’t want something negative to happen, it is critical that you do not think negative thoughts. When you want something positive to happen then think about it, visualize it, feel it as if it is here and expect it to come because again the Universe is listening.

Trusting that your God has a plan for you because he does. Trust him.

Being creative and even a little silly. We work so hard every day, at work, at home, and at our relationships and a lot of times we end up focusing so much on being productive and getting shit done, that we don’t spend enough time enjoying ourselves. My advice, be spontaneous, hop in your car and go for an overnight trip. Take a class. Go play in the dirt and make a garden. Go out and see a band play. Join a club. Do pottery. Doesn’t matter what you do, just do something that is outside of your “norm”.

Stop thinking so much and relax. We spend so much time thinking and worry about things that will never happen. How many times have you obsessed about and feared the outcome of something and it never came to fruition. You spent countless hours trying to figure out something that you have no control over, when you could just hand it over to the Universe and let it go from your mind. Which brings me to my next suggestion.

Give up controlling everything and everyone. You do not have to know how everything is going to turn out, you do not have to drive every situation to go your way and you do not have to control anyone, ever, not even yourself. Nothing good comes from control.

Breathe – seriously, when you start feeling down, anxious, upset, lonely, miserable etc. just breathe. Sit in a quiet space, close your eyes and breathe. Driving in the car? ok, pull over, close your eyes and breathe. At work? That’s ok, close your office door, sit down at your desk, close your eyes and breathe. My point is, you can be anywhere, it doesn’t matter…just breathe.

Celebrating the little things and appreciating them. Most of the time it is the little things that matter and make the most impact in our lives. So celebrate them and thank the Universe for bringing you these wonderful little gifts of magic.

Setting long term goals can help you to organize your thoughts by getting them out of your head and putting them down on paper or a white board, etc. Setting goals is one of the best ways to obtain the things you want (i.e. house, wedding, boat, car, pay off student loan, change careers etc.)

Patience and respecting the timing of things. Not all things happen on our time table. In fact most things aren’t. The saying “timing is everything” is a thing. It really IS everything. and depending on what you believe in, all things do happen for a reason. Trust the timing.

Mindfulness. This is one of the hardest things for people to do. Mindfulness holds you in the NOW, the HERE, THIS MOMENT. So many people go through life thinking about yesterday and tomorrow and end up missing a fantastic moment because they were not present. Mindfulness brings you into the HERE AND NOW, THIS MOMENT. So next time you are laying in bed with your significant other and your mind starts to wander…say to yourself “be here now” and relish in the moment that you are sharing together..even if its just a cuddle in bed…remember..its the little things.

Being kind to others even if they aren’t kind in return. I know this seems silly and a waste of good energy to be kind to someone who isn’t kind back. But sometimes, not all the time but sometimes you can change a persons mood just by smiling at them or cracking a joke etc. I can’t tell you how many times I have gone into a store and the cashier won’t even look at me and I say “Hi, how are you? how is your day going” and most of the time the cashier will look at me and smile. Sometimes it just takes that one person to brighten your day! You never know what a person is going through….so be mindful of their struggles.

Spending time outside is critical to long term happiness. Nature is knowing to heal people with mental illness. In fact doctors in the Netherlands prescribe nature to people struggling with mental illness such as anxiety disorders and depression.

Exercise is another key to long term health and happiness. Get that body moving and those endorphins pumping. As soon as you start an exercise routine you will feel motivated and excited and as soon as the routine is in place you will start to feel the results of the workout and that will instantly make you happy! How could it not?

Eating well & nourishing your body is along the same lines as exercising. Our bodies need to move. We were not meant to be sedentary. Now don’t say things like…I don’t have time or I can’t afford a gym membership. Everyone has time. Lacking time is the worst excuse EVER in my opinion. If you have time to watch TV, eat, go on Facebook etc. you have time to work out. Can’t afford the gym? take a walk, take a run, go for a hike, do yoga at home. YOU DO NOT NEED A GYM MEMBERSHIP! So go ahead and move that body – start today.

Surrounding yourself with beautiful things – start by making your home an oasis, your oasis. Fill your home with beautiful things. Decorate it with your style. Display photos, fresh flowers, big puffy pillows, soft sensual colors, etc. Whatever your style is…display it and surround yourself with it.

Treating yourself kindly. Buy yourself flowers, take a hot bath, exercise, do yoga, practice meditation, read a book, take a nap, start a blog, take yourself on a date, go on a trip. Just be nice to yourself.

Always being yourself and loving who that is.

How to find your perfect partner

Or should I say, how to make it so they find you!

There is so much advice out there on how to find true love or even better, your soul mate. Whatever you are looking for, whatever you believe in…exists. Nothing is unattainable and most everything you want, is in reach. You truly just need to believe it exists and it will.

With so many dating apps and organized ways to meet people dating should be a no-brainer. Problem is, people over think it and are impatient. We live in an instant gratification world….where we have so much at our finger tips. We think dating should be easy. We join a dating site thinking Mr. perfect is going to just appear without any work on our part. It happens, but its few and far between.

I tell everyone…perspective is EVERYTHING! if you go into online dating with a negative perspective, you will have an negative experience. If you go into it with a positive mind set and look at it as a means to meet good and bad people, then you will find the experience mostly a positive one. The truth is, yes there are some wacky people out there, but you can meet them in person too, they aren’t just online. They are in grocery stores, coffee shops, bars and at work. Online dating is just an easier means for them to congregate 🙂

That being said there is a lot that goes into finding your perfect partner or being ready for them to find you…let’s visit these things:

  • Know what you want
  • Be ready for it
  • Visualize
  • Feel it coming
  • Let go of the details
  • Accept what the Universe presents you
  • Appreciate what you have been given
  • Let go of control and let it fall into place
  • Believe in the magic

If you would like to work together to draw in your partner or prepare yourself so he can find you, contact me at aveshaempower@gmail.com

What love isn’t

Every experience we have shapes us into who we are, whether we are conscious of it or not.

If we are lucky enough to share our lives with others, each relationship we enter into impacts us in a myriad of ways.

Even the relationships that are toxic and painful have a lesson to teach us and it is up to us to learn the lesson or continue on with the pattern of dysfunction until (a) we are forced to learn the lesson beyond our will or (b) we never learn it and therefore we never grow.

I have written many articles in the past on toxic relationships, narcissists, emotional and physical abuse, etc. Despite all I have been through and the trauma I have experienced, I have never played the victim. I knew I had a part in all that I have experienced in my life. I eventually stopped to look at the patterns in my life, relationships etc and realized I had control of all of it. I had made the choices that I did which brought me to where I was. I couldn’t blame, I could only take responsibility and make a change.

Those relationships…good, bad or indifferent are what molded me who I am today. Because of them, I love contently and intimately now. I trust my partner wholeheartedly and that is a result of the trust I have in myself and my ability to make good choices.

Through these relationships I learned what love isn’t! Now I am on a journey of discovering what love is.

Life has come full circle for me. I now have the answer’s to most of my “why’s” and I truly understand the purpose of struggle. I embrace every once of pain I have endured strictly because I committed myself to learning this lesson.

The truth is, what love isn’t…is way more powerful than what love is! Ponder that thought.

Love isn’t cruel, exhausting, painful, distrust, power, ego, struggle, jealousy, anger, insults, abuse, lies, cheating, etc. This behavior is a lot of things, but it is certainly not love.

I am learning that love is AMAZING. It is patient, kind, content, safe, intimate, exciting, learning, understanding, silence, calm, and so much more that I have not even discovered yet.

I encourage you not to settle for anything other than love, real love, healthy love, comforting love.

Love yourself enough to be loved by another. Because the truth is, you can’t be loved by another until you love yourself.

So practice self love daily and treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated.

Namaste

How to move forward gracefully after a divorce

Divorce, and break-ups in general are very difficult to process and move on from.  For many reasons, separating from someone we love leaves us feeling lost and desperate for answers.  Many times we blame ourselves in hopes that if we take ownership of the breakup we can then fix it and not have to suffer with this pain any longer.

The pain can be so deep that it triggers other emotional issues inside us, ones that we thought we buried and would never see again.  Sometimes break-ups are the Universes’ way of getting us to deal with our issues instead of filling voids and living the day to day as if these issues do not exist.  That’s called denial.

Being divorced twice and losing both husbands in a similar and pretty traumatic way I realized the Universe was sending me a message…it was the same message both times and this time I listened.

Below are my simple tips of letting go and moving on after a divorce (or breakup):

  • Let yourself go through the stages of grief/loss – A divorce or breakup of a significant relationship is quite similar to a death.  In order to move forward you must go through the stages of grief.  The five stages are  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance and they are a critical part of the framework that makes up our learning to live without the one we lost. They help us to gain the tools we need to help us identify what we may be feeling, however there is no exact timeline when it comes to the healing process and you may bounce around from grief to anger and back to denial before you hit acceptance.   Healing is not linear.
  • Accept that healing takes time – As I stated, there is no time table and healing is not linear.  Just  know, you are where you are meant to be, healing.  The more difficult the relationship and break up the harder the hit is to your body, mind and soul.  You need to be compassionate with yourself and accept that it can take years to recover and that is OK!  Honor yourself and where you are at, at every moment.
  • Allow yourself time to heal – solo – Fix yourself and heal first before bringing someone else into your world otherwise you risk repeating the same patterns until you have learned the lesson you were meant to learn – the Universe is speaking to you so listen.  The only way over it, is through it.
  • Do not fill voids by immediately trying to replace your ex – Believe it or not, you are not ready for a new relationship!  By jumping in to a new relationship, you are trying to fill a void to escape from hurt, that never works, it delays the healing process and puts other people at risk for heartbreak.
  • Allow yourself to feel anger, fear and sorrow – These feelings are normal and are part of the healing process.  Feel every feeling until you are numb to it.  Stuffing your feelings does not work, facing them head on speeds up the healing process.
  • Fill your life with interests and activities – Now is the time to try something new (new hobby, take a class, start an exercise routine), make new friends, and start some Keystone Habits (see my blog on Improve your life with these simple Keystone Habits).  This creates a full and satisfying life.  Become a better version of yourself!
  • Make peace with your loss and try to forgive – If you focus too much on the loss and don’t let go of the story you will not get to acceptance and you will prolong the healing process.  There is a lesson in all this, take the time to learn what it is.
  • Let go of the story – Yes it was traumatic – yes you are in pain – yes you miss him or her – but if you do not let go of the story and make peace with what happened and why it happened you will delay creating a new and better story, one that doesn’t involve a traumatic breakup.  Learn the lesson and move forward.
  • Make time for yourself and figure out who you are as a person – I imagine you have spent a majority of time focused on your relationship and your significant other.  Now it is time to focus on yourself and figure out who you are and what makes you tick.  Fall in love with yourself!
  • If you want to find a happy, nurturing, compassionate relationship, look for those qualities inside yourself – Do you have those same qualities you are looking for in another person?   Remember … you are holding up your mirror so be who you wish to meet!  Its that simple.

Once you change your mindset from loss to opportunity, the healing process will be a much easier Journey to the next story of your new and wonderful life.

Namaste’

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