Category Archives: abandonment

Why you should heal your unresolved trauma

Everything starts with a vision and then it turns into a reality or a “thing”.

You must have a dream and that dream sparks a vision, that vision turns into a plan and that plan becomes reality!

My dream is to do something I am completely passionate about…

Helping People!

Yes, the idea of helping people who are struggling emotionally, physically or mentally fills my soul, completely.

We all have issues, and most everyone is struggling with something whether it is situational or chemical, stems from childhood, etc. Doesn’t matter what the struggle is….because it is for real. Although, unfortunately, not everyone is ready to admit what they struggle with, that’s ok, its never to late to heal.

Trauma is my specialty!

Trauma, or shall I say unresolved trauma is not something that disappears or will simply go away if you ignore it. It festers. It is always there. Lurking. 99% of the time it develops into something…anxiety, addiction, eating disorder, sex addiction, emotional availability, boderline personality disorder…you name it, unresolved trauma can cause it!

Trauma likes to rear its ugly head now and again so that you will address it. It wants to be addressed! Trust me! Unfortunately there are a number of people walking around with unresolved trauma and aren’t sure where to begin to address and some believe (a) they do not have a real problem or (b) they can’t be helped (among other things). If you simply open your mind to be aware of the patterns in your life, you can start connecting the dots to the when, where and why of your troubles. (I did this and it was an amazing exercise, contact me if you want help with this).

One example of unresolved trauma is a cyclical, abusive & emotionally unavailable relationship. These relationships form a pattern. I am sure many of you can look back and see a pattern or patterns stemming back far and wide in your life. Patterns are something that provide us comfort. We know what to expect, there is discomfort, for some, in the unknown.

These types of relationships and these patterns are all a result of some form of trauma. Whether its childhood abuse, neglect from a caregiver / family member or simply something traumatic that you experienced at some point in your life. These experiences have helped you form a belief about yourself (a lot of times that you are not worthy) and a fear (i.e. abandonment or engulfment).

Sound familiar?

Let’s talk cyclical relationships or push pull as some like to refer to this type of relationship. I have had my share of these relationships for sure – I could consider and do deem myself an expert. Which is totally not a good thing! However, I am so grateful I moved past this….and healed.

I digress..

In any cyclical relationship there is the runner and the chaser. But don’t be fooled, these two can switch roles at any time and as often as needed. The key position here = control!

Guess which one has all the control?

Yep, its the runner. Why? Because by running he gets chased (therefore he has all the control) and that chasing validates his worth. Being chased says to him “you are worthy”. Now, lets say the chaser gets tired of chasing, this is devastating for the runner because this tell the runner he is not worthy anymore, so what does he do? he starts chasing the chaser and now the roles have reversed. The chaser now becomes the runner until the runner stops running and the chaser becomes the runner. IT IS A VISCOUS CIRCLE!

The entire issues here is-

Emotional unavailability!

What keeps this couple together and the relationship alive is, the chase.

This can be exciting, for a while, but also emotionally draining, damaging to your psyche and completely unhealthy as this is the dynamic that feeds this relationship. It can never turn into a healthy one as this is a useless empty game that destroys both players self worth.

The fix

  • Therapy
  • Coaching
  • Self love all day long!

As I suggested, unresolved trauma can result in anxiety, depression, addiction, and so much more. So the key is to work to resolve it. You can change your patterns. You can heal from trauma and you can live a happy and emotionally healthy life and yes, you can be completely emotionally available. It can take years, but it is worth the investment in yourself and your future mental wellness to work towards healing.

So, if any of this resonates with you and you are looking to work with a coach to resolve trauma I would love to hear from you. Just go to our Contact page at http://www.aveshaempower.com and send me a message of what you are struggling with, that will be our first step on your journey to healing.

*commitment to healing is a must*

You are loved –

Avesha

How to live your best life

“Happiness is a state of mind. It’s just according to the way you look at things.”

Walt Disney

First exercise, figure out what happiness means to you. Living your best life is all about you so its up to you to define it.

Life can be beautiful, magical, difficult, easy, fun, complacent, too long for some and too short for others.

It is all about perspective!

My advice is, life is ten minutes long so don’t piss it away. Do everything in your power to make the life that works for you. Create a life that makes you hop out of bed in the morning.

Here are a few tips to get you started:

  1. Do not look at another persons life, look inside you.
    Ask yourself, “what do I want”, “what is my passion”,”what will it take for me to be internally happy”.
    My suggestion is to go to your safe, quiet place with your journal and write the answer to these questions. You may be amazed by the answers.
  2. When life goes sideways, take accountability for your part in it.
    Life isn’t just “happening” to us! Every decision or choice we make plays a big part in how things end up for us. We have that intuition that tells us we are making a big mistake (you know, the gut wrenching ache in your belly screaming don’t do it! that is intuition). Listen to your intuition, and if you don’t, take accountability for the choices you have made and move on.
  3. Learn the lessons you are meant to learn.
    In the event you didn’t listen to your intuition and something not so great has happened, learn from it and…move on!
  4. Surround yourself with the things that make you happy.
    There are certain colors, smells, and sounds that make us happy and calm. Personally I love the color aqua, I am in awe of flowers (and growing them myself), and I love the smell of lavender and other essential oils. So I constantly surround myself with these things. I have even started bringing them over to my boyfriends house. He is thrilled, kind of.
  5. Find your own personal space in your home and make it all yours! This is where you will meditate, do yoga, journal, blog, color, draw, or just hide from the world for a little while! Having your own sacred space, no matter how big or small can bring you calm!
    Fill it with the things you love. Music, candles, floor pillows, yoga mats, vision boards, whatever brings you joy!
    I transformed one of my walk in closets (yep, I have three, oddly enough) into a writing room. It has a beautiful aqua colored desk, pictures of my kids and my boyfriend, it has a window overlooking my gardens so I have positioned my desk to look out the window. Its a tiny little room but it makes me happy.
  6. Find your passion!
    I cannot stress this enough. I have friends who are over 50 wandering around life – involved in one crappy relationship after another, living with so many voids because they have not discovered what makes them shine.
    Again, do not look to others to find your passion, dig deep to discover what makes you come alive.
    This is completely and solely about you.
    Do you love art, music, fitness, writing, cooking, eating, wine, beer, crafts, kids, yoga?
    Doesn’t matter, just find it and immerse yourself in it.
  7. Do not say “I have no time!” – because, you do!
  8. Identify what is holding you back from happiness and work on it.
    Are you overweight and unhappy with yourself? start a fitness and nutrition routine.
    Are you struggling with depression or anxiety? don’t go it alone, talk to someone and ask for help.
    Do you struggle in your relationship? talk to someone, ask for advice, seek counseling.
  9. Let go of any old stories that you tell yourself!
    Every single day is a day to start new – think blank slate and then start creating the new you!
  10. If something has ended, let it go.
    Thank the Universe for the experience and then ask for something new. Seriously, let it go. The Universe knows exactly what its doing.

Truthfully, I could go on and on and this list could be at 100 and I would still have more to write. However, my goal is to encourage you to start the wheels of your mind moving and hopefully you will continue this list on your own. You can even share your list with me. I would LOVE to hear what brings you happiness. Again, happiness is a very personal thing.

For those struggling to find happiness right now, I encourage you to start today and look for ways to bring happiness into your life. You can start slow, and gain momentum over time.

Not every day will be a happy one or an easy one, but when you are internally happy, you bounce back from tough days so much quicker.

If you would like to work together on your Journey to Happiness…contact me!

Love, light, peace, happiness and all that you desire!

Avesha

surviving abandonment

I am sure you have heard the term “abandonment issues” at some point in your life. We usually reference it when speaking of an insecure person, or someone who has an insecure attachment and experiences anxiety within the relationship.

Abandonment issues are not to be taken lightly, they are real and if you are someone who suffers from abandonment, whether mild or severe, it can be hard to manage and can eventually destroy your relationships.

People dealing with abandonment issues usually suffered some form of trauma in their life, most likely from childhood. Abandonment isn’t solely limited to being “abandoned” or “left”. Neglect is a huge form of abandonment. Neglect can just as damaging because the neglectful person is actually still there, they just starve you of your needs and there you are left pining for their attention.

When your primary care giver is emotionally unavailable and unable to provide you with the emotional and physical attention you need as well as meet your basic needs, you internalize this as you have done something wrong or there is something wrong with you and sadly you tell yourself that you are not worthy of their attention, time, love and affection. Unfortunately this thought process can stay with you throughout your life time because you have convinced yourself you are unworthy of an emotionally healthy love because you have no way of rationalizing your caregivers behavior, you take it personally and internalize it. What you don’t understand is, most of the time your caregiver is not conscious of how much their emotional starvation is affecting you. Maybe they struggle with their own unresolved trauma or they have a mental illness which impedes their ability to give to others. It is truly a sad cycle that needs to be broken, unfortunately without treatment and healing this cycle can continue forever.

Fast forward to your adult life, those stories you told yourself – remain. You might even chase emotionally available men or maybe even you are the emotionally unavailable one. I know that sounds crazy, or maybe this resonates with you but I encourage you to take out your journal and make a list of all your relationships since adolescence and define them. Then circle the characteristics. Look for clues that you are repeating the same behaviors over and over, just with different people. Its mind blowing sometimes what we learn when we open our minds to seeing things from a different perspective.

Abandonment is something that may stay with you forever, however there are ways to manage it so that when those not so pleasant feelings arise, you can put them at bay quickly.

  1. Self validation – become your own validator by acknowledging the severity of your emotional wound.
  2. Be your own friend, love yourself and help yourself heal as if you would a friend or family member. Be gentle and kind with yourself.
  3. Heal thyself – manage the abandonment by taking 100% responsibility for your own recovery.
  4. Pain management / time management – spend time with friends; find a good therapist to help you develop coping skills and tools to manage abandonment; create a comfort routine; throw yourself into something you love; find your passion
  5. Live in the moment – be mindful and present throughout your day; take part in something and immerse yourself fully; listen don’t speak; if you find your mind drifting off to negative thoughts, bring yourself back to the present space.
  6. Transform pain into growth – understand we are only given this one life and with every situation you go through it becomes a lesson and makes us stronger. Learn the lesson and move forward.
  7. Cleanse old wounds – resolve long standing neglected core needs and feelings.
  8. Acknowledge your strength – we live, we survive, we move on and we use our tools.
  9. Emotional self reliance – learn to live alone and how to be happy when alone.
  10. Understand that feelings are not facts – they are temporary and fleeting; find serenity now and let go of the past and old stories.
  11. Challenge despair – challenge black and white thinking like “always and never” and know that this too shall pass.
  12. Benefit from your abandonment and help others.
  13. Do not let yourself be abandoned – you are in control of what you allow in your life. Do not chase the emotionally unavailable; expect more from your relationships, be available!

Once you start taking these steps to healing and surviving your abandonment issues you will start to see big changes in your confidence, what you will and will not accept from others, what you choose in a partner and eventually your relationships will be much stronger.

If you would like to work on this together, please contact me!

Please share this article with someone if you think it will help someone and if you have a comment please post it below. I love hearing what people are struggling with or learning new ways people cope with their abandonment and anxiety struggles.

Peace, prosperity, light and love, always!