surviving abandonment

I am sure you have heard the term “abandonment issues” at some point in your life. We usually reference it when speaking of an insecure person, or someone who has an insecure attachment and experiences anxiety within the relationship.

Abandonment issues are not to be taken lightly, they are real and if you are someone who suffers from abandonment, whether mild or severe, it can be hard to manage and can eventually destroy your relationships.

People dealing with abandonment issues usually suffered some form of trauma in their life, most likely from childhood. Abandonment isn’t solely limited to being “abandoned” or “left”. Neglect is a huge form of abandonment. Neglect can just as damaging because the neglectful person is actually still there, they just starve you of your needs and there you are left pining for their attention.

When your primary care giver is emotionally unavailable and unable to provide you with the emotional and physical attention you need as well as meet your basic needs, you internalize this as you have done something wrong or there is something wrong with you and sadly you tell yourself that you are not worthy of their attention, time, love and affection. Unfortunately this thought process can stay with you throughout your life time because you have convinced yourself you are unworthy of an emotionally healthy love because you have no way of rationalizing your caregivers behavior, you take it personally and internalize it. What you don’t understand is, most of the time your caregiver is not conscious of how much their emotional starvation is affecting you. Maybe they struggle with their own unresolved trauma or they have a mental illness which impedes their ability to give to others. It is truly a sad cycle that needs to be broken, unfortunately without treatment and healing this cycle can continue forever.

Fast forward to your adult life, those stories you told yourself – remain. You might even chase emotionally available men or maybe even you are the emotionally unavailable one. I know that sounds crazy, or maybe this resonates with you but I encourage you to take out your journal and make a list of all your relationships since adolescence and define them. Then circle the characteristics. Look for clues that you are repeating the same behaviors over and over, just with different people. Its mind blowing sometimes what we learn when we open our minds to seeing things from a different perspective.

Abandonment is something that may stay with you forever, however there are ways to manage it so that when those not so pleasant feelings arise, you can put them at bay quickly.

  1. Self validation – become your own validator by acknowledging the severity of your emotional wound.
  2. Be your own friend, love yourself and help yourself heal as if you would a friend or family member. Be gentle and kind with yourself.
  3. Heal thyself – manage the abandonment by taking 100% responsibility for your own recovery.
  4. Pain management / time management – spend time with friends; find a good therapist to help you develop coping skills and tools to manage abandonment; create a comfort routine; throw yourself into something you love; find your passion
  5. Live in the moment – be mindful and present throughout your day; take part in something and immerse yourself fully; listen don’t speak; if you find your mind drifting off to negative thoughts, bring yourself back to the present space.
  6. Transform pain into growth – understand we are only given this one life and with every situation you go through it becomes a lesson and makes us stronger. Learn the lesson and move forward.
  7. Cleanse old wounds – resolve long standing neglected core needs and feelings.
  8. Acknowledge your strength – we live, we survive, we move on and we use our tools.
  9. Emotional self reliance – learn to live alone and how to be happy when alone.
  10. Understand that feelings are not facts – they are temporary and fleeting; find serenity now and let go of the past and old stories.
  11. Challenge despair – challenge black and white thinking like “always and never” and know that this too shall pass.
  12. Benefit from your abandonment and help others.
  13. Do not let yourself be abandoned – you are in control of what you allow in your life. Do not chase the emotionally unavailable; expect more from your relationships, be available!

Once you start taking these steps to healing and surviving your abandonment issues you will start to see big changes in your confidence, what you will and will not accept from others, what you choose in a partner and eventually your relationships will be much stronger.

If you would like to work on this together, please contact me!

Please share this article with someone if you think it will help someone and if you have a comment please post it below. I love hearing what people are struggling with or learning new ways people cope with their abandonment and anxiety struggles.

Peace, prosperity, light and love, always!

The Key to Happiness Is….

Letting go of the past and not letting it define you. Easier said than done, I know. But if you look at the past as a means of learning and if you don’t allow yourself to live in the past, you can redefine your future and use all the lessons you have learned to do so. How many times have you been in a moment of despair, the depths of sadness and a place of not knowing how to move forward. Then as time ticks on, so does life, it doesn’t stop for your problems or your worries, it just keeps going. Therefore so do you. Then time passes, things get better and maybe you even look back at those times that felt devastating to you and you think wow, I am so happy that happened, I totally get why! This is why you have to….trust that the Universe has your back (see below…Trusting the Universe). The past is just that and it has nothing to offer you except life lessons. Take those lessons and move forward in a positive direction and learn from those mistakes, heartaches and incredibly tough times. Always work towards the future and be mindful of each moment because you will never get that moment back.

Trusting yourself to make decisions that are best for you in any situation. Whether you are looking to change careers, are new to dating, deciding whether to have children or not, changing your household status….these are huge decisions that require much thought and contemplation. Trust yourself, listen to your gut and never ignore a bad feeling. Trusting yourself to do right by yourself if the first step in trusting others.

Trusting the Universe to provide you with what you need. Believe it or not, the Universe is listening to you. There is a saying ….”what you think about you bring about”. This is the truth. What you obsess over, you bring to fruition. So if you don’t want something negative to happen, it is critical that you do not think negative thoughts. When you want something positive to happen then think about it, visualize it, feel it as if it is here and expect it to come because again the Universe is listening.

Trusting that your God has a plan for you because he does. Trust him.

Being creative and even a little silly. We work so hard every day, at work, at home, and at our relationships and a lot of times we end up focusing so much on being productive and getting shit done, that we don’t spend enough time enjoying ourselves. My advice, be spontaneous, hop in your car and go for an overnight trip. Take a class. Go play in the dirt and make a garden. Go out and see a band play. Join a club. Do pottery. Doesn’t matter what you do, just do something that is outside of your “norm”.

Stop thinking so much and relax. We spend so much time thinking and worry about things that will never happen. How many times have you obsessed about and feared the outcome of something and it never came to fruition. You spent countless hours trying to figure out something that you have no control over, when you could just hand it over to the Universe and let it go from your mind. Which brings me to my next suggestion.

Give up controlling everything and everyone. You do not have to know how everything is going to turn out, you do not have to drive every situation to go your way and you do not have to control anyone, ever, not even yourself. Nothing good comes from control.

Breathe – seriously, when you start feeling down, anxious, upset, lonely, miserable etc. just breathe. Sit in a quiet space, close your eyes and breathe. Driving in the car? ok, pull over, close your eyes and breathe. At work? That’s ok, close your office door, sit down at your desk, close your eyes and breathe. My point is, you can be anywhere, it doesn’t matter…just breathe.

Celebrating the little things and appreciating them. Most of the time it is the little things that matter and make the most impact in our lives. So celebrate them and thank the Universe for bringing you these wonderful little gifts of magic.

Setting long term goals can help you to organize your thoughts by getting them out of your head and putting them down on paper or a white board, etc. Setting goals is one of the best ways to obtain the things you want (i.e. house, wedding, boat, car, pay off student loan, change careers etc.)

Patience and respecting the timing of things. Not all things happen on our time table. In fact most things aren’t. The saying “timing is everything” is a thing. It really IS everything. and depending on what you believe in, all things do happen for a reason. Trust the timing.

Mindfulness. This is one of the hardest things for people to do. Mindfulness holds you in the NOW, the HERE, THIS MOMENT. So many people go through life thinking about yesterday and tomorrow and end up missing a fantastic moment because they were not present. Mindfulness brings you into the HERE AND NOW, THIS MOMENT. So next time you are laying in bed with your significant other and your mind starts to wander…say to yourself “be here now” and relish in the moment that you are sharing together..even if its just a cuddle in bed…remember..its the little things.

Being kind to others even if they aren’t kind in return. I know this seems silly and a waste of good energy to be kind to someone who isn’t kind back. But sometimes, not all the time but sometimes you can change a persons mood just by smiling at them or cracking a joke etc. I can’t tell you how many times I have gone into a store and the cashier won’t even look at me and I say “Hi, how are you? how is your day going” and most of the time the cashier will look at me and smile. Sometimes it just takes that one person to brighten your day! You never know what a person is going through….so be mindful of their struggles.

Spending time outside is critical to long term happiness. Nature is knowing to heal people with mental illness. In fact doctors in the Netherlands prescribe nature to people struggling with mental illness such as anxiety disorders and depression.

Exercise is another key to long term health and happiness. Get that body moving and those endorphins pumping. As soon as you start an exercise routine you will feel motivated and excited and as soon as the routine is in place you will start to feel the results of the workout and that will instantly make you happy! How could it not?

Eating well & nourishing your body is along the same lines as exercising. Our bodies need to move. We were not meant to be sedentary. Now don’t say things like…I don’t have time or I can’t afford a gym membership. Everyone has time. Lacking time is the worst excuse EVER in my opinion. If you have time to watch TV, eat, go on Facebook etc. you have time to work out. Can’t afford the gym? take a walk, take a run, go for a hike, do yoga at home. YOU DO NOT NEED A GYM MEMBERSHIP! So go ahead and move that body – start today.

Surrounding yourself with beautiful things – start by making your home an oasis, your oasis. Fill your home with beautiful things. Decorate it with your style. Display photos, fresh flowers, big puffy pillows, soft sensual colors, etc. Whatever your style is…display it and surround yourself with it.

Treating yourself kindly. Buy yourself flowers, take a hot bath, exercise, do yoga, practice meditation, read a book, take a nap, start a blog, take yourself on a date, go on a trip. Just be nice to yourself.

Always being yourself and loving who that is.

The Process of Healing from “Toxic”

Toxic by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

via daily post: Toxic

I read this fantastic article by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby and identified with it completely so I thought I would take the time and write a short blog about healing and what this looks like to me, personally.  To some people who are knee deep in a toxic situation, healing can feel impossible -something that they will never achieve.

Healing is a process.

True healing takes time.  Yes, it is soul wrenching and painful, but you eventually reach a point in your healing, whether it be 6 months down the road or 2 years down the road when you can stop and look at where you are and say…wow,  look how far I have come and it is then that you know, you have reached that point where you would never go back to toxic…it just wouldn’t work for you anymore.

So yes, healing is a process and one that is, as I said, very difficult but it is so worth every tear you shed, every exhausted therapy session and every moment where you think you can’t endure another day…but you do.

I have done this work, I know what true healing from years of toxic means so I have gathered my thoughts this morning and compiled a list of what healing means to me and my hope is that these resonate with you.


Healing Means…

  • Accepting my actions and choices
  • Becoming comfortable with who I am
  • Learning from my mistakes
  • Letting the past go
  • Enjoying the present
  • Forming “my Tribe”
  • Learning to be alone and enjoying it
  • Deciding what I want from life
  • Learning new behaviors
  • Enjoying the peace
  • Forgiving myself and those who have wronged me
  • Ignoring timelines
  • Letting go of judgments (of myself and others)
  • Finding my purpose
  • Learning to love as is (myself and others)
  • Surrounding myself with all that is beautiful & positive

This process has been an amazing Journey for me, one that I would not trade for anything.

So, if you are on the toxic ride and ready to get off please know that having a healthy and happy life apart from “toxic” is not impossible.  When you are ready to commit to a healthier way of living, you can take the small steps that it takes to get there.

If you would like to discuss a plan on how to starting healing from toxic contact us.  I can tell you how to get there.

Remember, we only have this one life…it is meant to be enjoyed to the fullest!

~love~light~healing~

-Avesha

Daily Post: Toxic

via Daily Post:Toxic

What’s toxic…let’s see….there is toxic food, toxic (poisonous) chemicals, and of course, my favorite thing to avoid, toxic people.

People can be super toxic, especially emotional vampires so beware and know that you do not have to tolerate toxic people or toxic behaviors.

There is a way around toxic, avoidance.  Run, fast and far from toxic people.  Hide from them.  Do what you have to, but do not engage with toxic, there is no benefit.

Namaste

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

8 Critical Tips for Self-Love and Healing

I know what you are thinking, what is self-love and where do I even begin.

If you Google self-love there will be many articles and blogs that will help you on this topic.  I have read every single one of them, ok maybe not every single one, and now I am a self proclaimed expert on the topic.

We read it, we hear about it and everyone says it...you can’t experience true love and vulnerability until you love yourself.  On the outside so many of us appear to be happy and love ourselves.  However, deep down we struggle with anxiety, we lack a sense of purpose, maybe even suffer from a bit of sadness.  As a result a number of us look to outside sources for comfort or validation.  We live our lives through our children, we focus on our husbands and our families, we over-eat, drink too much, exercise too much, work too much, or we do just the opposite and can’t get out of or own way.

Outside perceptions are not always our reality. I know in my life, looking in the window from the front porch everything appeared “pretty”.  Reality is, that was so far from the truth.  We all have our story and we all know our “truths”.

Self-love for me came after an extremely traumatic event.  Everyone consoling me would say “you have to take care of yourself” or “you need to love yourself” and I had no idea what any of this meant.  Once I discovered the true meaning of self-love I couldn’t believe how I was living in my previous life.  I would say I was functioning but not living.

Self-love takes work.  It is beyond getting your hair done, a nice pedicure and good clothes.  It is beyond what you post on Facebook (GET OFF FACEBOOK if you want to be truly happy).  Self-love is truly getting to know yourself, discovering who you are, honoring that person and always putting that person first above all else, yes even your husband and children.  If you are not living as your highest self, what good are you to those who need and love you.

I encourage you to read some of my older blogs that will give you ideas on how to create a morning or an evening ritual which is such an important catalyst to self-love and living your as your Highest Self.


Below are some tips on how to start loving yourself, today!

Start by honoring who you are today and where you are at this moment. 

Maybe you have anxiety, are suffering from depression, are unhappy at your job, have family life stressors, aren’t happy with your appearance or your marriage.  Wherever you are in your life right now….honor it knowing that with each and every day you have the opportunity to make a change.  Buddha says “every day we are born again”.  What a beautiful concept.

Evaluate where you find your worth and where you look for validation. 

Do you look to external sources – do you thrive off the attention you receive from other people? – does your productivity or your accomplishments define you? – are you a people pleaser?  Self-love comes from validating and pleasing yourself.  If you are always looking for someone else to validate you, you will be continuously spinning on a wheel seeking validation and will feel empty until you receive it.  That love, that feeling of accomplishment, the ability to soothe yourself during a tough time, comes from you.

Know, right now, no matter what you are going through, that you are enough! 

You have everything in you to be enough!

Be kind to yourself, your body and your soul! 

Watch the words you use when you talk to yourself or about yourself.

Exercise:  grab your journal and describe yourself as if you were describing a friend of yours.  Don’t focus or plan what to write, just grab your journal and a pen and start writing and see what comes out.  Are you mostly positive or negative?  Remember how you view yourself is what you are putting out into the Universe.  You will find from this exercise what you need to change with regard to your own beliefs about yourself.

Practice things that bring out your inner calm. 

Gardening, yoga, journaling, blogging, cooking, crafting, singing, meditation.  Your mind and soul need a break from our every day circus.  Soothe yourself with a calming activity.

Allow yourself to heal. 

We all have a story and unfortunately its not always a pretty one.  If you have dealt with any sort of trauma (death, divorce, illness, family dysfunction, childhood “stuff”) and have never really dealt with it.  I encourage you to allow yourself to heal and to forgive yourself and those who have hurt you.  There is nothing more freeing than letting go of the bond that ties you to your trauma.

Let it go. 

Whatever you are holding on to that is no longer serving you, let it go.

My strongest advice is to start a morning/evening self-care ritual. 

See How do you start your day? for ideas.


Commit to self-love and your life with start to change.  Keystone Habits are also a must and we will talk about this in my next blog.

Grab your Journal, put todays date on it and enjoy your Journey to self-love.

Until soon!

Namaste’

Life with a Narcassist

What seemed like a perfect story book romance – two childhood best friends reuniting and forming a beautiful bond and eventually getting married – (with many red flags which I ignored) ended up being a complete nightmare for every single person involved.  It took me years to figure out what the issue was.  There was clearly addiction – check,  for sure mental illness – check, some PTSD ok we can go there – check…but at the end of the day none of those issues were the root cause of what was going on in our “cycle”, there was more.  It wasn’t until the final straw that broke the camels back that I started to figure it out.

It was severe narcissism.  

I had NO idea what narcissism was.  I had heard the term and had even heard him use it to describe his ex-wife, but in no way did I have any idea how bad of a thing it was/is and that I was living and married to the most dangerous narcissist that could possibly exist (ok maybe not the most dangerous but close and definitely in my world he is).

It was only then that my healing began.

It has been a very long, deep-dark and painful road to healing and recovery.  Thank God there is so much information out there for one to research and read because it really does help.

My two favorite forums for narcissistic recovery are:

https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/

https://letmereach.com/

Let me tell you, during my “withdraw” stage I read and joined every single article and forum out there trying to figure out how to get out of the hell I was living.  I also learned I did not want to end up like a lot of the women in that forum.  So many of those women are broken, with no options (emotionally or financially) and have to stay for many reasons whether it be fear, children, finances, health etc.  Thankfully we had no children together, I have my own career and income and I had my own resources and support network so I had options and every single day of my life I am grateful for that.

I vowed to myself once I got through the healing process and graduated trauma therapy  I would dedicate myself to helping others.  There are so many resources out there which help you identify what narcissism is, when you are being abused, and what you should do (GET THE HELL OUT), but I recognized that there are few resources that help the people who have little options like little to no financial resources, no support system, health issues, etc.  Some are so beaten down that they don’t have the energy or the motivation to fight for a healthier life.  They are so riddled with fear and abandonment that even if they have the financial means to leave they don’t.

My goal is to empower these women to help themselves to become strong enough to leave.  I want them to walk out that door knowing they are taking care of themselves (and their children) and setting an example for all women out there that this type of abuse will no longer be tolerated.

These women need support and guidance.  They need to know the basics, where to start, how to gain their confidence and esteem back, how to fix their financial situation, how to prepare their children, where to begin with their journey of self-love and healing and most of all how to keep the fear at bay so they won’t return to the cycle of abuse.

If you are experiencing this type of abuse, you are not alone.  If you know someone in this situation, you can support them and encourage them to get help.

Contact me for an initial consultation to create a healing plan so we can get you on your Journey to a healthier life.

No one has to live with Narcissistic abuse.

Namaste’