Category Archives: dating

– be what you wish to attract –

Today is my mental – day one – in manifesting my most precious desire (notice I didn’t say..need) – a healthy, supportive and loving relationship.

For so long, like ever, I have attracted and engaged in very unhealthy relationships and yes by now we all know why…I had not healed my childhood wounds and I was completely re-enacting my childhood trauma (the horrible relationship with my father – yep “daddy issues”) by choosing these completely unavailable and unhealthy men to play the part so I could continuously try to heal my inner child stuff.

Well that tactic failed and might I say miserably so after this last traumatic episode I chose to heal those wounds once and for all.

Thanks to EMDR and a number of other healing modalities I have made it over the bridge and feel like a totally and completely different person.  In fact I know I am a different person because I hear that statement all the time.

It feels good to know that I am no longer living as that little wounded girl and I have come to peace with many things including forgiving myself for some really bad choices.

We all make mistakes, the goal is to learn from them and move on without repeating them.

Sometimes it takes something MASSIVE to happen that shakes us and spits us on out the sidewalk for us to finally get that things have to change.  Thankfully there is always time for change, no matter how old you are.

So now that I am living in the calm, as I like to call it….I am feeling like that next step in life would be to have what I have NEVER experienced and that would be a healthy loving and supportive relationship with someone who is completely capable.

WHAT A CONCEPT HUH?

So it took a series of steps to get here. Starting with breaking away from the narcissist and removing any and all toxic & unhealthy people from my life.  BRILLIANT DECISION!

Everything after that just fell into place.

So here is what I have learned:

  1.  Self love is for real and it’s awesome.  This is the FIRST and most critical step to manifesting someone healthy and capable.  If you want more info on this see my many self love posts in this blog.
  2. Be whatever it is you want to manifest.  You want someone healthy, you have to be healthy yourself, you want someone honest and loyal, be that.  You want someone interested in fitness…workout and take care of yourself.  You want someone who is emotionally available..you have to BE emotionally available and capable of intimacy.  It’s THAT FREAKIN SIMPLE.
  3. Do not settle.  Period.
  4. Make room for him/her.  Do not keep yourself so busy (one version of void filling) that you don’t have time for someone to come into your life.
  5. Be clear on the type of person you wish to share your life with.  After self love this is the most critical.  You don’t have to be too specific but know what you want in a person.  This is key in manifesting the right person.
  6. Be patient and trust in the process.  The Universe is always listening.  Sometimes we confuse her.  If one moment we are longing for love and the next minute we keep ourselves so busy we close ourselves off…she won’t know what to make of it.  Be clear.
  7. Know that what you get isn’t always what you envision but trust the Universe knows what is right for you.  Sometimes it can come in a different package than we had constructed in our minds.  That is OK.
  8. Enjoy your life.  You do not have to scour tinder and match to find your partner.  Sometimes you can just be doing something you love and they will walk into your world.  Embrace it.

Remember, being single and happy is better than being in a relationship and being miserable.  I learned this the hard way.

If your goal is to manifest someone wonderful, I encourage you to take these steps.

Good luck and enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

You may be the emotionally unavailable one, here’s why!

We have all dated that person, the one that is never quite ready for a commitment (with you).  They drive you to the brink of insanity and then pull you back with incredible passion that you have never experienced before.  They bring out a side to you that you didn’t know you had in you.  They are truly magical.

They keep you on your toes, as you wait with baited breath for every text, phone call and an eventual date.  Every date is magical…leaving you wanting more and more and when the date is over, its drama city…tears, anxiety, sadness, confusion, wondering when and if you are going to see them again.

They aren’t ready to give themselves up to you, however they have no problem spending all their time with you, having sex with you, sleeping over, eating your food, going on vacation with you, and everything else couples do…without the commitment and -oh  yeah – no monogamy.  They are using you.  Whether its for money, sex, validation, attention, a place to crash, someone to fill their voids, someone who keeps them from being alone (with themselves), a person to chill with until someone better comes along.  Whatever it is they need you are giving it to them and therefore they are using you.

Yet we believe in our souls that if we morph into exactly what they want you us to be, they will love us.  So we spend all our energy on making them happy, trying to make them love us (and they don’t), chasing them when they run and convincing them how amazing we are (they see it, they just don’t care).  Until one day you wake up and grasp that years have gone by and you realize that no matter what you do…they will not love you, they do not want you or what you want (or say you want), and yes, they have been using you.

So…you finally pull away and say you can’t do this anymore, that there is nothing left of your self esteem and you are tired of giving so much of yourself and receiving nothing in return….oh boy, look out….they WILL come back in full force (and this is not a good thing).  They will promise you the world…the stars…their soul…as long as you don’t leave them.   They love you, they will start respecting you more, they will spend more time with you, they realize how much they don’t want to live without you.  Amazing huh?  Wow, this is everything you ever wanted to hear –  you just wanted him to just realize how amazing you are and to see your value, to want you the way you want them.

You are ecstatic, and without any thought process you immediately take them back – with no boundaries in place, no making them prove themselves, no slow ease back into it..just as quickly as he came back after you, you go running back.

Ugh…MISTAKE!

Surprise, nothing has changed.  They were good for a little while, they showed you a little more attention, but ultimately they didn’t change.  Why?  Because people don’t change unless they want to and they can’t without doing the work.  They came running back to you because they just didn’t want to lose their security blanket (yes that is what you were).  You see, they fear abandonment as well.  So as much as they don’t want to commit to you, they don’t want to lose you either.  Its really all just a sad and lonely cycle of avoiding abandonment.

However, the good news is that eventually the cycle does end (if you are lucky) – leaving you exhausted, with them moving on to another person who is just like you (a door mat) –  leaving you in a heap on the floor.  You cry, wish for another day with them, begging God for them to love you, because if they did your life would be complete.  They are what makes life magical and worth living.

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

Newsflash!!

They are your mirror, its that simple.  You have played the emotional unavailability dance and its time for the music to stop.  Its time to figure out why you too are emotionally unavailable and more vested in chasing men who don’t want you vs. finding out why you don’t really want them either.

Thankfully it is possible to end this cycle forever, abandon this dance and move towards a healthy and balanced relationship with an emotionally available person but ONLY when YOU become emotionally available yourself.

My dear this isn’t just about them…this is about you too.

So here are some ways to start becoming emotionally available and start healing so you can seek and find a fabulous and stable relationship with someone who is available to you.

  1. Figure out your biggest fears!  What is holding you back? – whether its fear of getting hurt, abandonment (most likely), being vulnerable, fear of engulfment, giving up your own space, whatever it is…identify it.
  2. Once you have identified it, write about it in your journal! – where did this fear come from?  childhood? when did you first notice this fear?  write down every detail in your journal.  once its identified and “out there” its much easier to work towards a resolution.
  3. Finding a resolution – depending on what your fears and issues are you may need to seek a therapist, counselor or life coach to work towards resolving these issues.
  4. Let go of people who have hurt you in the past – understand that getting hurt is a part of life – painful experiences are what teach us our biggest lessons so we can grow and learn to heal those parts of us that are holding on.  let them go and yes, forgive.
  5. Think about your favorite people and write in your journal what you like about each and every one of them –  after you have done this, send each of them a text and let them know you are grateful for their presence in your life.
  6. Next, write down your favorite things about you – for some people this will be an easy exercise and for others this will be very difficult.  this exercise can help you identify how you view yourself – and as you know, how you see yourself is how others see you as well.  what you put out into the Universe is what is coming back to you – full circle.
  7. Let go of your emotional addictions (I call them void fillers) – the over eating, the smoking, too much drinking, drugs, social media, sex, porn etc.  these are not helping you in any way.  learn to sit with your feelings, with yourself and be comfortable with them.  this takes lots of practice, its uncomfortable and surely there will be a lot of tears and moments where you want to give up.  don’t.  learning to sit with your feelings is the biggest step to healing and best way to avoid starting a new cycle of emotional unavailability in another person – just to avoid feeling.
  8. Give your time, money, love and support to others who need it – there are so many people out there who are struggling.  it feels good to help people, in any way, whether its to volunteer, donate money or household items.  this is a great way to show gratitude for what you do have by giving to others that don’t have anything.
  9. Find yourself – you spent countless hours, months and even years catering to someone who didn’t see your value (this is because you don’t see your value).  spend less time trying to find a man or woman to fill your void and validate you and more time figuring  out who you are, what you want from life, and what makes you happy.  when you do this, you will figure out what type of person you should have in your life and no longer will you accept someone who is not right for you, let alone chase them to make them see how great you are.  you won’t need that.
  10. Love yourself – after you figure out who you are, treat yourself well.  treat yourself and love yourself the way you want to be treated and loved.  the saying really is true, how can someone love you and respect you if you don’t respect yourself.  they can’t and they won’t.  once you start loving yourself, it becomes a wonderful and  healthy addiction.  you won’t settle for less.  I promise.

Emotionally unavailability is an invisible shield meant to protect us from hurt.  The sad part is, it doesn’t protect us at all, it makes things worse.

Remove that invisible shield and start working on yourself today.  If you would like to work with a coach to help you on this new Journey of emotional availability, contact us today.

-A

The difference between healthy and unhealthy love

We have all been in love.

You know the feeling!  It is all consuming – starting with the butterflies and your heart melting at every glance.  Sitting and waiting by the phone for their text.  Gobbling up every single crumb they give you knowing its not enough to sustain you, but you don’t care.  Now you know, without a shadow of a doubt, he / she is the one.

When you are together you are whole, complete, happy and content.  When apart you are miserable and aching to be with him / her.

Despite some glaring red flags and that screaming intuition in your gut, you know this is the person you want to spend your life with…together until the end of time.

The fantasy has begun….

Over time you learn that your priorities are not aligned and maybe you don’t have all that much in common, but still, he / she is your soul mate.  This IS love.

Unfortunately, over time, after the newness wears off and the hormones start to balance out you find that things become a little strained.  Maybe the frequent communication you once had starts to taper off a bit.  Little things that never annoyed you before, start to irk you a bit.  Sex doesn’t seem as exciting nor are you longing to rip his / her clothes off.  You start spending less time together and your gut is screaming…something isn’t right.

But still you proceed.

One of you starts becoming distant….which causes the other to cling.  Clinging naturally causes the other to run (and hide) and soon the clinger become a needy mess.  The clinger start wondering what they did wrong.  How did something soooo perfect change?  and they need to fix it, NOW!  The runner thinks the clinger is nuts, not accepting accountability for his piece in making her nuts.

And so the cycle begins…

The relationship that seemed so perfect at the time has now fallen into the cycle of cat and mouse game.  When he is available she isn’t and visa versa.

Why, you ask does this happen?

Because this type of relationship, per say, does not have an ideal foundation.  It is based off the initial chemistry (love/lust) and not what actually holds a couple together which is (a) knowing what each other wants and truly wanting the same things (b) similar interests and goals (c) a friendship (d) respect for each others space and outside interests but most importantly is (e) emotional availability.  Neither party is emotionally mature or available for a healthy and intimate relationship.

A healthy relationship needs to start with two healthy people.  People who have worked on themselves, have a strong balance of self love and the ability to be intimate and have a good relationship with themselves.  This way they both bring good and healthy things to the table and not their own emotional baggage.

When people fall in love instantly and cling to each other for comfort and happiness this becomes a recipe for disaster.   This is the dance of the emotionally unavailable and let me tell you, nothing good comes from this dance.

Two unhealthy people clinging to each other in the midst of co-dependency cannot possibly build a healthy relationship until they work on themselves and find that balance of self love and emotional security.  The gamble here is, once they do the work they may not be attracted to each other….and the relationship that once seemed so magical now appears very dysfunctional and they may find they are not rightly suited for each other.

Sometimes those magical relationships stem from the drama and chaos that lives inside themselves.  That madness is like a magnet that attracts similar people and that’s why they are called “a mirror” because they are attracting people with similar issues.  This emotional drama bonds the two together like glue.  Research “trauma bonding”, this will be helpful information for you to understand.

So, in close, the only way to stop attracting these types of relationships is for people to work on themselves to become whole and happy internally.  This takes time, commitment and many tears and moments in the fetal position, but the outcome is phenomenal and well worth the struggle.

Be the person you want to date!  – this is a brilliant statement.

If you want to date someone happy, humble, emotionally and physically healthy you need to be that person.  You cannot possibly attract that type of person if you are living inside your own head, insecure, needy and desperate for love to fill a void.

You can only attract a healthy partner…if you are healthy.

A healthy relationship is possible, once you have a healthy relationship with Self.

Love, light and happiness!

 

Learning to live in the calm

I read a fantastic article the other day that really resonated with me.  The writer was referencing how a lot of us have a difficult time living in the calm, therefore we [subconsciously] create our own drama just so we feel something.

Sometimes, life can be too calm and in that calmness, for those of who have been living on high alert for many many years, waiting for other shoe to drop, walking on egg shells, waiting for someone to hurt us, walk out on us or cheat on us, that calm can feel very empty.  This is because the internal fight or flight response has been our only source of fuel.

Calm….feels…scary!  It represents the unknown, it feels weird and unsettling.  We sit…waiting for something to happen and when it doesn’t….we get confused and feel emptiness inside us, which is very confusing to our psyche.

It’s a sad realization when that feeling of empty washes over us.  We tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel empty, we should feel at peace, but we don’t, not yet.  We will, but it takes time and lots of work on ourselves to allow ourselves to be at peace, to fill that emptiness with things that make us happy, to learn to soothe ourselves in that moment of peace that is so foreign to us.

We have spent too much time living in a chaotic and toxic environment under a big black cloud, and that became our norm.  We knew what to expect, we lived it daily….our norm was their anger, cycling of moods, cheating, discontentment, histrionics, alcohol abuse, temper tantrums, lies, secrecy and depression. Our sole job has been to try to manage this person and their moods while trying to succeed at our own lives….job, parenting, keeping the house, paying the bills and trying to keep everyone…happy.

Exhausting and fucking IMPOSSIBLE!

When we finally decided to leave and save ourselves from the madness that we thought we could handle, over time things finally became calm.  Our space becomes peaceful, there is no black cloud there to invade our space, no one rolling their eyes at us and cutting us down, no one angry at our kids just for existing, no one lying to our face while cheating on us behind your back, no one to take you down a notch..just for fun.  No one to blame us for their poor choices.  Its now just…calm.

Although this is amazing, it is also a complete mind fuck.  The peace and space leaves us  feeling empty.  We have no one to manage but ourselves and it is then that we realize how much energy that person stole from us.  Now we have to figure out what to do with all this free time we have now that this emotional vampire has finally moved on to someone else that they can suck the life out of.

So what should we do with this time?  Well….after the initial shock of realizing we have this time, after the confusion subsides, after the haze disappears….we should ENJOY THIS TIME!

Take a class, do yoga, read, rebuild your relationship with your friends, get a pet, start a blog, get involved in your community, join a meet up group, see a therapist, work with a life coach, but whatever we do….we need to enjoy this time of peace.

What we should NOT DO IS FIND ANOTHER SOUL SUCKING TICK.  That would be the easiest thing to do to fill this time we are not used to having, but its the most devastating thing we could do.

It is time to spend some time with ourselves, create a happy place in our homes, start a garden, go hiking, do whatever it takes to find ourselves!

In time, when we feel we know who we are and what we want, and when we are no longer in danger of finding another emotional vampire….only then can we go back out into the world of dating.

We will know when we are ready….and when we are not.

Until then, find you, love you, honor you and complete you…above all else.

Love, peace, light

 

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