Let’s face it, life can be complicated and even difficult at times. So many of us are juggling things on a daily basis that can force us to neglect ourselves. Over time that neglect can cause serious issues with our relationships, how we show up at work, our friendships, and our parenting.
For those of us walking around with unresolved trauma stress and feeling overwhelmed, an unbalanced emotional state can cause that trauma to trigger. This could result in turning towards unhealthy behaviors (such as drinking, over eating, sex addiction, drugs, affairs, etc.) in hopes of masking the trauma and burying it. (But you know you cannot bury this pain deep enough, it always rears its ugly head, especially during the most troublesome times.)
True healing from any kind of trauma or bad circumstance/situation takes not only time, energy and commitment but also a good Tribe of people you trust. Your Tribe is an unbiased support system that remains completely neutral as they don’t intimately know the parties involved. You may feel your friends or your family can do the job, but actually they can cause more damage than do good because they have a vested interest – whereas a neutral third party like a therapist or Life / Spiritual Coach can look at things from all sides without forming judgement.
A Coach does not replace a therapist. In fact a Coach can and will work in tandem with a therapist if desired, helping you work through the day to day decisions, helping you to make good choices, guiding you through difficult situations and teaching you how to focus on the solution not the issues.
Healing and becoming your Best You takes work and just like it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a Tribe to heal and live your Highest Self.
Coaches are for all stages of life, not just trauma or healing. They are there to help guide you through life decisions such as job changes, marriage, divorce, moving, dealing with family, etc. Having a Coach is a healthy approach to navigating through life’s stresses. But we are also there during the good times, not just the tough ones.
A coach can help organize your thoughts and work towards your dreams through journaling work, vision boarding, manifesting, gratitude and meditation. We will help you work through big decisions, soar through mid-life changes, help you prepare for empty nest syndrome, work with you to find your passion and help you develop a wellness program.
Whatever you need, a Coach will help guide you along your journey.
If you are interested in a free consultation in person or over phone please contact us. I look forward to working with you.
Namaste’
Remember –
You are balanced – You are grounded – You are safe – You are loved –
Everything starts with a vision and then it turns into a reality or a “thing”.
You must have a dream and that dream sparks a vision, that vision turns into a plan and that plan becomes reality!
My dream is to do something I am completely passionate about…
Helping People!
Yes, the idea of helping people who are struggling emotionally, physically or mentally fills my soul, completely.
We all have issues, and most everyone is struggling with something whether it is situational or chemical, stems from childhood, etc. Doesn’t matter what the struggle is….because it is for real. Although, unfortunately, not everyone is ready to admit what they struggle with, that’s ok, its never to late to heal.
Trauma is my specialty!
Trauma, or shall I say unresolved trauma is not something that disappears or will simply go away if you ignore it. It festers. It is always there. Lurking. 99% of the time it develops into something…anxiety, addiction, eating disorder, sex addiction, emotional availability, boderline personality disorder…you name it, unresolved trauma can cause it!
Trauma likes to rear its ugly head now and again so that you will address it. It wants to be addressed! Trust me! Unfortunately there are a number of people walking around with unresolved trauma and aren’t sure where to begin to address and some believe (a) they do not have a real problem or (b) they can’t be helped (among other things). If you simply open your mind to be aware of the patterns in your life, you can start connecting the dots to the when, where and why of your troubles. (I did this and it was an amazing exercise, contact me if you want help with this).
One example of unresolved trauma is a cyclical, abusive & emotionally unavailable relationship. These relationships form a pattern. I am sure many of you can look back and see a pattern or patterns stemming back far and wide in your life. Patterns are something that provide us comfort. We know what to expect, there is discomfort, for some, in the unknown.
These types of relationships and these patterns are all a result of some form of trauma. Whether its childhood abuse, neglect from a caregiver / family member or simply something traumatic that you experienced at some point in your life. These experiences have helped you form a belief about yourself (a lot of times that you are not worthy) and a fear (i.e. abandonment or engulfment).
Sound familiar?
Let’s talk cyclical relationships or push pull as some like to refer to this type of relationship. I have had my share of these relationships for sure – I could consider and do deem myself an expert. Which is totally not a good thing! However, I am so grateful I moved past this….and healed.
I digress..
In any cyclical relationship there is the runner and the chaser. But don’t be fooled, these two can switch roles at any time and as often as needed. The key position here = control!
Guess which one has all the control?
Yep, its the runner. Why? Because by running he gets chased (therefore he has all the control) and that chasing validates his worth. Being chased says to him “you are worthy”. Now, lets say the chaser gets tired of chasing, this is devastating for the runner because this tell the runner he is not worthy anymore, so what does he do? he starts chasing the chaser and now the roles have reversed. The chaser now becomes the runner until the runner stops running and the chaser becomes the runner. IT IS A VISCOUS CIRCLE!
The entire issues here is-
Emotional unavailability!
What keeps this couple together and the relationship alive is, the chase.
This can be exciting, for a while, but also emotionally draining, damaging to your psyche and completely unhealthy as this is the dynamic that feeds this relationship. It can never turn into a healthy one as this is a useless empty game that destroys both players self worth.
The fix
Therapy
Coaching
Self love all day long!
As I suggested, unresolved trauma can result in anxiety, depression, addiction, and so much more. So the key is to work to resolve it. You can change your patterns. You can heal from trauma and you can live a happy and emotionally healthy life and yes, you can be completely emotionally available. It can take years, but it is worth the investment in yourself and your future mental wellness to work towards healing.
So, if any of this resonates with you and you are looking to work with a coach to resolve trauma I would love to hear from you. Just go to our Contact page at http://www.aveshaempower.com and send me a message of what you are struggling with, that will be our first step on your journey to healing.
“Happiness is a state of mind. It’s just according to the way you look at things.”
Walt Disney
First exercise, figure out what happiness means to you. Living your best life is all about you so its up to you to define it.
Life can be beautiful, magical, difficult, easy, fun, complacent, too long for some and too short for others.
It is all about perspective!
My advice is, life is ten minutes long so don’t piss it away. Do everything in your power to make the life that works for you. Create a life that makes you hop out of bed in the morning.
Here are a few tips to get you started:
Do not look at another persons life, look inside you. Ask yourself, “what do I want”, “what is my passion”,”what will it take for me to be internally happy”. My suggestion is to go to your safe, quiet place with your journal and write the answer to these questions. You may be amazed by the answers.
When life goes sideways, take accountability for your part in it. Life isn’t just “happening” to us! Every decision or choice we make plays a big part in how things end up for us. We have that intuition that tells us we are making a big mistake (you know, the gut wrenching ache in your belly screaming don’t do it! that is intuition). Listen to your intuition, and if you don’t, take accountability for the choices you have made and move on.
Learn the lessons you are meant to learn. In the event you didn’t listen to your intuition and something not so great has happened, learn from it and…move on!
Surround yourself with the things that make you happy. There are certain colors, smells, and sounds that make us happy and calm. Personally I love the color aqua, I am in awe of flowers (and growing them myself), and I love the smell of lavender and other essential oils. So I constantly surround myself with these things. I have even started bringing them over to my boyfriends house. He is thrilled, kind of.
Find your own personal space in your home and make it all yours! This is where you will meditate, do yoga, journal, blog, color, draw, or just hide from the world for a little while! Having your own sacred space, no matter how big or small can bring you calm! Fill it with the things you love. Music, candles, floor pillows, yoga mats, vision boards, whatever brings you joy! I transformed one of my walk in closets (yep, I have three, oddly enough) into a writing room. It has a beautiful aqua colored desk, pictures of my kids and my boyfriend, it has a window overlooking my gardens so I have positioned my desk to look out the window. Its a tiny little room but it makes me happy.
Find your passion! I cannot stress this enough. I have friends who are over 50 wandering around life – involved in one crappy relationship after another, living with so many voids because they have not discovered what makes them shine. Again, do not look to others to find your passion, dig deep to discover what makes you come alive. This is completely and solely about you. Do you love art, music, fitness, writing, cooking, eating, wine, beer, crafts, kids, yoga? Doesn’t matter, just find it and immerse yourself in it.
Do not say “I have no time!” – because, you do!
Identify what is holding you back from happiness and work on it. Are you overweight and unhappy with yourself? start a fitness and nutrition routine. Are you struggling with depression or anxiety? don’t go it alone, talk to someone and ask for help. Do you struggle in your relationship? talk to someone, ask for advice, seek counseling.
Let go of any old stories that you tell yourself! Every single day is a day to start new – think blank slate and then start creating the new you!
If something has ended, let it go. Thank the Universe for the experience and then ask for something new. Seriously, let it go. The Universe knows exactly what its doing.
Truthfully, I could go on and on and this list could be at 100 and I would still have more to write. However, my goal is to encourage you to start the wheels of your mind moving and hopefully you will continue this list on your own. You can even share your list with me. I would LOVE to hear what brings you happiness. Again, happiness is a very personal thing.
For those struggling to find happiness right now, I encourage you to start today and look for ways to bring happiness into your life. You can start slow, and gain momentum over time.
Not every day will be a happy one or an easy one, but when you are internally happy, you bounce back from tough days so much quicker.
If you would like to work together on your Journey to Happiness…contact me!
Love, light, peace, happiness and all that you desire!
I am sure you have heard the term “abandonment issues” at some point in your life. We usually reference it when speaking of an insecure person, or someone who has an insecure attachment and experiences anxiety within the relationship.
Abandonment issues are not to be taken lightly, they are real and if you are someone who suffers from abandonment, whether mild or severe, it can be hard to manage and can eventually destroy your relationships.
People dealing with abandonment issues usually suffered some form of trauma in their life, most likely from childhood. Abandonment isn’t solely limited to being “abandoned” or “left”. Neglect is a huge form of abandonment. Neglect can just as damaging because the neglectful person is actually still there, they just starve you of your needs and there you are left pining for their attention.
When your primary care giver is emotionally unavailable and unable to provide you with the emotional and physical attention you need as well as meet your basic needs, you internalize this as you have done something wrong or there is something wrong with you and sadly you tell yourself that you are not worthy of their attention, time, love and affection. Unfortunately this thought process can stay with you throughout your life time because you have convinced yourself you are unworthy of an emotionally healthy love because you have no way of rationalizing your caregivers behavior, you take it personally and internalize it. What you don’t understand is, most of the time your caregiver is not conscious of how much their emotional starvation is affecting you. Maybe they struggle with their own unresolved trauma or they have a mental illness which impedes their ability to give to others. It is truly a sad cycle that needs to be broken, unfortunately without treatment and healing this cycle can continue forever.
Fast forward to your adult life, those stories you told yourself – remain. You might even chase emotionally available men or maybe even you are the emotionally unavailable one. I know that sounds crazy, or maybe this resonates with you but I encourage you to take out your journal and make a list of all your relationships since adolescence and define them. Then circle the characteristics. Look for clues that you are repeating the same behaviors over and over, just with different people. Its mind blowing sometimes what we learn when we open our minds to seeing things from a different perspective.
Abandonment is something that may stay with you forever, however there are ways to manage it so that when those not so pleasant feelings arise, you can put them at bay quickly.
Self validation – become your own validator by acknowledging the severity of your emotional wound.
Be your own friend, love yourself and help yourself heal as if you would a friend or family member. Be gentle and kind with yourself.
Heal thyself – manage the abandonment by taking 100% responsibility for your own recovery.
Pain management / time management – spend time with friends; find a good therapist to help you develop coping skills and tools to manage abandonment; create a comfort routine; throw yourself into something you love; find your passion
Live in the moment – be mindful and present throughout your day; take part in something and immerse yourself fully; listen don’t speak; if you find your mind drifting off to negative thoughts, bring yourself back to the present space.
Transform pain into growth – understand we are only given this one life and with every situation you go through it becomes a lesson and makes us stronger. Learn the lesson and move forward.
Cleanse old wounds – resolve long standing neglected core needs and feelings.
Acknowledge your strength – we live, we survive, we move on and we use our tools.
Emotional self reliance – learn to live alone and how to be happy when alone.
Understand that feelings are not facts – they are temporary and fleeting; find serenity now and let go of the past and old stories.
Challenge despair – challenge black and white thinking like “always and never” and know that this too shall pass.
Benefit from your abandonment and help others.
Do not let yourself be abandoned – you are in control of what you allow in your life. Do not chase the emotionally unavailable; expect more from your relationships, be available!
Once you start taking these steps to healing and surviving your abandonment issues you will start to see big changes in your confidence, what you will and will not accept from others, what you choose in a partner and eventually your relationships will be much stronger.
If you would like to work on this together, please contact me!
Please share this article with someone if you think it will help someone and if you have a comment please post it below. I love hearing what people are struggling with or learning new ways people cope with their abandonment and anxiety struggles.
It is time to draw your focus in on what you want by setting your intentions and letting go of the past, heal old wounds and make room for your new story. But, before you can manifest your intentions there are steps you need to take to be able to draw in what you desire most. By focusing on your emotional first aid and clearing the negative from your life you will ensure that your path is clear for you to manifest your deepest desires.
Follow these steps to start the clearing process…
Set your mantra (one of mine is below) – I am truth I am loved I am strong I am beautiful I am safe I am balanced I am happy
Stop running away from your feelings – – allow unpleasant feelings to wash over you – surrender to the emotion no matter how uncomfortable you feel – use your intuition and memory to dig out the root cause of your emotion and discomfort
Burn your fears – Write down on small strips of paper all negative feelings and obsessive thoughts and anything you want to release and burn them
Keep your best qualities on file (compliments you have received) – Write them down and have them with you, always!
Stop putting off your passions – instead pour your energy into them
Count your blessings – Cultivate a daily gratitude practice List the 5 things you are most grateful for and be specific
Fall in love with your life and raise your vibration – energy – personal power – attracting things we deserve and feel worthy of
Ways to raise your vibration – Become conscious of your thoughts, everything you say or feel becomes your reality. When a negative thought pops up acknowledge it, thank it, dismiss it and turn it into something positive.
Find something beautiful and appreciate it.
Be conscious of the foods you eat.
Drink water.
Meditate.
Be grateful.
Practice acts of kindness.
Get your blood pumping- be active dance practice yoga just move…
Take a salt bath.
Walk barefoot in nature.
Be creative.
Breathe.
Be nice to strangers.
Go to the ocean.
Hug.
When you are grateful, fear disappears, and abundance appears!
– unknown
List the things that bring you joy and identify lack.
Jobs, homes, kids, dogs, friendships, relationships, etc. At times it may seem as if there is never an end to the things you have to do every day. Sometimes I wake up and it feels like ground hog day. That exact feeling is why I have created the best morning routine that helps me hop out of bed and start my day. Granted, I am an extreme morning person (yes, I am dead tired by 8pm), you do not have to be a morning person to enjoy getting out of the bed in the morning. A simple, but effective morning routine can change, everything.
For a number of people these responsibilities aren’t only overwhelming, they are paralyzing and instead of tackling their to do list, they accomplish nothing at all. If you are one of these people, don’t feel bad, you are not alone, many people struggle with having too much on their “to do list”.
Below are a few of my personal tips I use to manage my day to day life so that it doesn’t become overwhelming. Having raised two very busy and active boys solely by myself, physically and financially and through this experience I learned right quick that there are things that NEED to get done and then there is everything else. I learned to manage my time (and theirs) in a way that did not overwhelm me…all the time.
Disclosure: Admittedly, I am a neat freak with a hatred of clutter and disorganization so…for me to not feel overwhelmed there were things I HAD to handle that others may feel they could let go of. My point is, we are all different and what overwhelms some of us might not overwhelm others. So be thoughtful of what makes you feel accomplished and what frustrates you and then think about what you can let go of.
Create and Implement a morning routine – I cannot stress enough the importance of a morning routine. How you start your day sets the stage for how your entire day will unfold. Baby steps are OK here…you can implement small changes at first until you get to your desired routine.
Only take on what you can handle – say no once in a while, you don’t always need to be the one to volunteer. If your mind is saying NO but your mouth is saying YES then its clear you are not comfortable saying no, even when you need to. Something to be conscious of, are you a people pleaser?
Set boundaries with people – you decide what works for you and what doesn’t. You are the Director of your life.
ALWAYS make time for self care – self care and self love is the single most important thing you can do for yourself in this lifetime. This is by far my favorite topic to talk about, write about and coach people on. Self care isn’t selfish, its simply you putting yourself first so you are able to be there for others. Self care means taking 15 mins each morning to stretch, drink some coffee, wake up and organize your thoughts. Self care is taking a bath at the end of the day when all the dishes are done, kids are in bed and lunches are made. Self care is taking a walk in nature on Sunday morning to decompress from a long week.
Your marriage comes before your children, nuture that relationship
Let go of what is not critical and move that task to the next day
Create and prioritize a task list
Make time for enjoyment – find time to be silly. Once a week make a date with your husband, kids, a friend or yourself and just do something that is fun. Paint, go to a comedy club, host a dinner party and play games, whatever brings out your playful side…do it.
Tackle what you need to and move on – do not get stuck on what you can’t get done, celebrate what you DID get done.
Make time for exercise – I could talk about exercise all day long. Exercise is a critical component to true and deep happiness and feeling good about yourself. There are many different avenues you can take with exercise. Go for a walk, hike, do yoga, stretch, take a class, whatever you enjoy…do it.
Plan and cook meals ahead of time – something I struggled with was having enough time to prepare meals. So I started cooking on weekends for the week and in addition I started preparing my breakfast the night before. Grateful for overnight oats and smoothies!!
Ask for help (lean on others for support)
Carpool (school, sports, etc.)
Clean the kitchen at night so you wake up to a clean space
Go to bed early so you can rise early
Rise early so you can tackle the day refreshed and with a clear mind
DO NOT HIT SNOOZE
If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, get help – don’t go it alone
Surround yourself with the things you love – it is a fact that when you are surrounded by beauty and the things you love, your mind settles
Self motivate by making your tasks fun
Involve your children and create chores for them! its good for kids to feel invested
Take a break from life at least once a week, do something special for yourself – go on a day trip, have a girls day, take your kids to the park and have a picnic, take a hike, do something out of the norm and embrace it.
I hope you can identify with a few of these tips if not all and embrace them. Incorporating small changes in your life can make such a difference. Even if you identify with only one of these tips (right now), one small change can make such a difference.
If you would like to chat and discuss where you struggle, what you can change, how to make a morning routine, etc. Please contact us anytime at AveshaEmpower@gmail.com
In addition if you feel this article would be helpful to someone you know who struggles with the every day stress of life….pass this article along and kindly share on your social media pages. My goal is to help people who struggle find solutions to make life a little easier.
The most important thing about anxiety is to understand what it truly is.
Anxiety is fear.
Anxiety is lack of control.
Anxiety is worry.
Anxiety is self created (most of the time).
Anxiety can be controlled.
There are different types of anxiety, so I encourage you to educate yourself on the signs and symptoms and type of anxiety that exist. You can visit https://www.anxiety.org/what-is-anxiety to get started.
Anxiety can be felt all over your body, if you do not gain control over your anxiety you can develop panic attacks and eventually a full on panic disorder.
Panic disorder is a type of anxiety disorder. It causes panic attacks, which are sudden feelings of terror when there is no real danger. You may feel as if you are losing control. You may also have physical symptoms, such as
Fast heartbeat
Chest or stomach pain
Breathing difficulty
Weakness or dizziness
Sweating
Feeling hot or a cold chill
Tingly or numb hands
Panic attacks can happen anytime, anywhere, and without warning. One you experience one, you may live in fear of another attack and may avoid places that trigger you into an attack. For some people, fear takes over their lives and they cannot leave their homes and they become a prisoner to their disorder.
Panic disorders are more common in women than men. They usually start during adolescence. Stress is a huge trigger. People can resolve anxiety and almost abolish it, with proper treatment. Therapy can teach you how to recognize the triggers, develop coping skills and change your thinking patterns before they lead to panic. Medicines can also help but should be used as a last resort.
There are many different ways to manage anxiety. I wrote an article a few years ago for the Elephant Journal magazine which was really popular and helped a number of people – click hereto read this amazing article!
Taken from this article I provide you with 5 proven techniques to cope with your anxiety without medicine by “grounding” or “earthing”.
Grounding is a technique that brings people back to the present moment when they are in the midst of chaos. Grounding skills can be helpful with managing feelings of intense anxiety and can help people regain their mental focus after a traumatic event or anxiety-induced state.
There are many proven ways to ground yourself. If you are in the midst of an anxiety attack and need to get “grounded,” you can start by counting backward, either in your mind or out loud; this is actually a mental distraction, and therefore, takes the focus off the anxiety.
Another wonderful and successful technique is to look around the room and name what you see: lamp, table, picture of my kids, five pens in a pencil holder, painting with a horse and a tree…whatever it is you see, call it out. This helps ground you in the present moment.
Some grounding techniques are actually referred to as “earthing”—and like the name suggests, you literally become one with the earth by putting your body in direct, uninterrupted contact with the earth. This exercise requires that your skin touch the soil, sand, water, or a conductive surface that is in contact with the earth.
This can be mean dipping your toes in the sand at the beach, walking in nature, going for a hike deep in the forest, swimming in a lake or the ocean, planting seeds (or replanting flowers) and digging in the dirt, or just walking through the grass barefoot. Earthing has a tremendous amount of health benefits—too many to mention in this article, so I empower you to google “earthing” and “grounding.”
Here’s a list of my favorite grounding activities (more than one involves earthing):
1. Walking or hiking.
Walking is the simplest and most effective way to reduce anxiety. Walking at an even pace has a very calming effect. It can evoke mindfulness, clear your head of rapidly cycling thoughts, and release stress. When walking (or hiking) in nature you will feel more relaxed during the walk. You can also take it one step further and meditate while you walk. Walks on the beach are amazingly therapeutic as well. The salt air and calming sound of the ocean is very grounding.
2. Yoga.
Specifically, Hatha yoga, which is the simplest form of asanas (yoga postures) and pranayama (breathing techniques) can be helpful. Yoga is the soul practice of the body, mind, and spirit—and it brings us to a state of mindfulness. This can be done at home, and we can practice for as short or as long a time as we desire. I recommend at least 15 minutes for session length, although 30 minutes is ideal.
3. Gardening.
Nothing connects you to the earth more than gardening. This is a fantastic example of earthing, as your hands are completely immersed in the soil. It’s such a peaceful and mindful art—and one that has so many benefits.
4. Journaling.
This keeps us in a state of mindfulness by helping to remove negative thoughts, as well as organizing those distracting, racing thoughts. Getting your thoughts and ideas down on paper will help you clear your mind and enable you to get to a peaceful state quickly. Organizing your thoughts also helps you to set (and ultimately obtain) goals in a more efficient way.
5. Arts/Crafts/Creativity.
Being creative by using your imagination and putting ideas into action is a very grounding activity that also has a beneficial and tangible outcome.
Whatever practice you choose, immerse yourself in it. Bask in the moment of the activity—and when you find that your mind starts to drift and your thoughts beginning to wander, bring yourself back to the moment.
Feel the earth as you put your hands in the dirt; walk across the grass, or stick your toes in the sand. To ground yourself even further, describe how it feels out loud . Describing it makes it feel extra real.
I love walking barefoot in the grass on a chilly summer morning after it has rained and the grass is wet with dew. The feeling is magical and reminds me of childhood. Remember being a child and running through the sprinkler? Wasn’t that magical?
Even as adults, we can create magical moments that make us feel like children again. We feel the wonderment, the joy, and the peace we felt as kids, when we were riding our bikes and the wind blew through our hair—or doing somersaults on a warm summer day with the sun beaming down on us. How about that moment when you take that first lick of an ice cream cone? Yumm.
Those moments are priceless.
We can have those now, as adults—we just need to create them. We live in a world of chaos and instant gratification, so it takes a commitment to ourselves to take a step back and slow things down, so we can enjoy every single moment—because right now is all we have.
So, I empower you to try at least one of these amazing techniques to help ground you and help you live in each moment as it comes. It isn’t easy…but over time, it will become easier.
