The Key to Happiness Is….

Letting go of the past and not letting it define you. Easier said than done, I know. But if you look at the past as a means of learning and if you don’t allow yourself to live in the past, you can redefine your future and use all the lessons you have learned to do so. How many times have you been in a moment of despair, the depths of sadness and a place of not knowing how to move forward. Then as time ticks on, so does life, it doesn’t stop for your problems or your worries, it just keeps going. Therefore so do you. Then time passes, things get better and maybe you even look back at those times that felt devastating to you and you think wow, I am so happy that happened, I totally get why! This is why you have to….trust that the Universe has your back (see below…Trusting the Universe). The past is just that and it has nothing to offer you except life lessons. Take those lessons and move forward in a positive direction and learn from those mistakes, heartaches and incredibly tough times. Always work towards the future and be mindful of each moment because you will never get that moment back.

Trusting yourself to make decisions that are best for you in any situation. Whether you are looking to change careers, are new to dating, deciding whether to have children or not, changing your household status….these are huge decisions that require much thought and contemplation. Trust yourself, listen to your gut and never ignore a bad feeling. Trusting yourself to do right by yourself if the first step in trusting others.

Trusting the Universe to provide you with what you need. Believe it or not, the Universe is listening to you. There is a saying ….”what you think about you bring about”. This is the truth. What you obsess over, you bring to fruition. So if you don’t want something negative to happen, it is critical that you do not think negative thoughts. When you want something positive to happen then think about it, visualize it, feel it as if it is here and expect it to come because again the Universe is listening.

Trusting that your God has a plan for you because he does. Trust him.

Being creative and even a little silly. We work so hard every day, at work, at home, and at our relationships and a lot of times we end up focusing so much on being productive and getting shit done, that we don’t spend enough time enjoying ourselves. My advice, be spontaneous, hop in your car and go for an overnight trip. Take a class. Go play in the dirt and make a garden. Go out and see a band play. Join a club. Do pottery. Doesn’t matter what you do, just do something that is outside of your “norm”.

Stop thinking so much and relax. We spend so much time thinking and worry about things that will never happen. How many times have you obsessed about and feared the outcome of something and it never came to fruition. You spent countless hours trying to figure out something that you have no control over, when you could just hand it over to the Universe and let it go from your mind. Which brings me to my next suggestion.

Give up controlling everything and everyone. You do not have to know how everything is going to turn out, you do not have to drive every situation to go your way and you do not have to control anyone, ever, not even yourself. Nothing good comes from control.

Breathe – seriously, when you start feeling down, anxious, upset, lonely, miserable etc. just breathe. Sit in a quiet space, close your eyes and breathe. Driving in the car? ok, pull over, close your eyes and breathe. At work? That’s ok, close your office door, sit down at your desk, close your eyes and breathe. My point is, you can be anywhere, it doesn’t matter…just breathe.

Celebrating the little things and appreciating them. Most of the time it is the little things that matter and make the most impact in our lives. So celebrate them and thank the Universe for bringing you these wonderful little gifts of magic.

Setting long term goals can help you to organize your thoughts by getting them out of your head and putting them down on paper or a white board, etc. Setting goals is one of the best ways to obtain the things you want (i.e. house, wedding, boat, car, pay off student loan, change careers etc.)

Patience and respecting the timing of things. Not all things happen on our time table. In fact most things aren’t. The saying “timing is everything” is a thing. It really IS everything. and depending on what you believe in, all things do happen for a reason. Trust the timing.

Mindfulness. This is one of the hardest things for people to do. Mindfulness holds you in the NOW, the HERE, THIS MOMENT. So many people go through life thinking about yesterday and tomorrow and end up missing a fantastic moment because they were not present. Mindfulness brings you into the HERE AND NOW, THIS MOMENT. So next time you are laying in bed with your significant other and your mind starts to wander…say to yourself “be here now” and relish in the moment that you are sharing together..even if its just a cuddle in bed…remember..its the little things.

Being kind to others even if they aren’t kind in return. I know this seems silly and a waste of good energy to be kind to someone who isn’t kind back. But sometimes, not all the time but sometimes you can change a persons mood just by smiling at them or cracking a joke etc. I can’t tell you how many times I have gone into a store and the cashier won’t even look at me and I say “Hi, how are you? how is your day going” and most of the time the cashier will look at me and smile. Sometimes it just takes that one person to brighten your day! You never know what a person is going through….so be mindful of their struggles.

Spending time outside is critical to long term happiness. Nature is knowing to heal people with mental illness. In fact doctors in the Netherlands prescribe nature to people struggling with mental illness such as anxiety disorders and depression.

Exercise is another key to long term health and happiness. Get that body moving and those endorphins pumping. As soon as you start an exercise routine you will feel motivated and excited and as soon as the routine is in place you will start to feel the results of the workout and that will instantly make you happy! How could it not?

Eating well & nourishing your body is along the same lines as exercising. Our bodies need to move. We were not meant to be sedentary. Now don’t say things like…I don’t have time or I can’t afford a gym membership. Everyone has time. Lacking time is the worst excuse EVER in my opinion. If you have time to watch TV, eat, go on Facebook etc. you have time to work out. Can’t afford the gym? take a walk, take a run, go for a hike, do yoga at home. YOU DO NOT NEED A GYM MEMBERSHIP! So go ahead and move that body – start today.

Surrounding yourself with beautiful things – start by making your home an oasis, your oasis. Fill your home with beautiful things. Decorate it with your style. Display photos, fresh flowers, big puffy pillows, soft sensual colors, etc. Whatever your style is…display it and surround yourself with it.

Treating yourself kindly. Buy yourself flowers, take a hot bath, exercise, do yoga, practice meditation, read a book, take a nap, start a blog, take yourself on a date, go on a trip. Just be nice to yourself.

Always being yourself and loving who that is.

How to move forward gracefully after a divorce

Divorce, and break-ups in general are very difficult to process and move on from.  For many reasons, separating from someone we love leaves us feeling lost and desperate for answers.  Many times we blame ourselves in hopes that if we take ownership of the breakup we can then fix it and not have to suffer with this pain any longer.

The pain can be so deep that it triggers other emotional issues inside us, ones that we thought we buried and would never see again.  Sometimes break-ups are the Universes’ way of getting us to deal with our issues instead of filling voids and living the day to day as if these issues do not exist.  That’s called denial.

Being divorced twice and losing both husbands in a similar and pretty traumatic way I realized the Universe was sending me a message…it was the same message both times and this time I listened.

Below are my simple tips of letting go and moving on after a divorce (or breakup):

  • Let yourself go through the stages of grief/loss – A divorce or breakup of a significant relationship is quite similar to a death.  In order to move forward you must go through the stages of grief.  The five stages are  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance and they are a critical part of the framework that makes up our learning to live without the one we lost. They help us to gain the tools we need to help us identify what we may be feeling, however there is no exact timeline when it comes to the healing process and you may bounce around from grief to anger and back to denial before you hit acceptance.   Healing is not linear.
  • Accept that healing takes time – As I stated, there is no time table and healing is not linear.  Just  know, you are where you are meant to be, healing.  The more difficult the relationship and break up the harder the hit is to your body, mind and soul.  You need to be compassionate with yourself and accept that it can take years to recover and that is OK!  Honor yourself and where you are at, at every moment.
  • Allow yourself time to heal – solo – Fix yourself and heal first before bringing someone else into your world otherwise you risk repeating the same patterns until you have learned the lesson you were meant to learn – the Universe is speaking to you so listen.  The only way over it, is through it.
  • Do not fill voids by immediately trying to replace your ex – Believe it or not, you are not ready for a new relationship!  By jumping in to a new relationship, you are trying to fill a void to escape from hurt, that never works, it delays the healing process and puts other people at risk for heartbreak.
  • Allow yourself to feel anger, fear and sorrow – These feelings are normal and are part of the healing process.  Feel every feeling until you are numb to it.  Stuffing your feelings does not work, facing them head on speeds up the healing process.
  • Fill your life with interests and activities – Now is the time to try something new (new hobby, take a class, start an exercise routine), make new friends, and start some Keystone Habits (see my blog on Improve your life with these simple Keystone Habits).  This creates a full and satisfying life.  Become a better version of yourself!
  • Make peace with your loss and try to forgive – If you focus too much on the loss and don’t let go of the story you will not get to acceptance and you will prolong the healing process.  There is a lesson in all this, take the time to learn what it is.
  • Let go of the story – Yes it was traumatic – yes you are in pain – yes you miss him or her – but if you do not let go of the story and make peace with what happened and why it happened you will delay creating a new and better story, one that doesn’t involve a traumatic breakup.  Learn the lesson and move forward.
  • Make time for yourself and figure out who you are as a person – I imagine you have spent a majority of time focused on your relationship and your significant other.  Now it is time to focus on yourself and figure out who you are and what makes you tick.  Fall in love with yourself!
  • If you want to find a happy, nurturing, compassionate relationship, look for those qualities inside yourself – Do you have those same qualities you are looking for in another person?   Remember … you are holding up your mirror so be who you wish to meet!  Its that simple.

Once you change your mindset from loss to opportunity, the healing process will be a much easier Journey to the next story of your new and wonderful life.

Namaste’

Please share this with others who you think will benefit from this article.

Who are you?

Through the process of self-discovery I realized that I had spent so much time living the way I wanted others to see me that I wasn’t being my true and authentic self. After much time alone in self-discovery mode I have truly found my path on this Journey and it is incredible.

One of the best things that I did was removing myself from all social media (i.e. Facebook, Instagram). In fact this is first thing I require my coaching clients to do. This helps them regain their sense of worth, empowers them to validate themselves and frees up a lot of time that they were spending looking at other people’s lives and comparing their own lives to another’s. This is not healthy.

My advice to everyone who is on a Journey of healing is — GET OFF SOCIAL MEDIA! Yes, I am yelling 🙂

Once you remove yourself from social media or at least Facebook, you can start to learn who you are and get to know yourself without all of the noise and the constant chaos of social media. You won’t be posting something in hopes of validation that someone “liked” it and disappointment when they don’t. Instead, that validation will come from within. It is critical that you learn to validate yourself and not seek your self worth from others.

It took me a good solid and downright painful year of solitude to figure out who I was, the good and the not so good. I found it to be easier to start with the broken side of me, because that is usually the most obvious and well its the hardest to face and conquer.

I learned very quickly that I was a complete control freak which derived from a severe fear of abandonment. I literally tried to control every single aspect of my life. I knew this needed to change. So I dug deep with a therapist and we started working to heal those childhood wounds. I learned that because of my need for control, I wasn’t even remotely enjoying life I was steering and driving it to go the way I thought it needed to go and missing the beauty of surprise which can be so magical. I was missing all of the magic.

The reality is, it is impossible to control every aspect of our lives, but this is a hard lesson to learn for sure.

I learned many other things about myself which were depressing, interesting, eye opening and confusing all at the same time but I have to say, this Journey of self discovery has been truly amazing. Learning about yourself is cathartic on so many levels and really opens up the doors to healing.

So, after I started working through the “bad” stuff, the positive parts of me surfaced and I have discovered some really neat things about me.

Like….I am more of an introvert than an extrovert, which was highly surprising to me. In the past I always centered myself around people and truly felt I needed people to survive. This is no longer the case. I understand now that it was my intense fear of being alone that drove a more extroverted behavior and not that I was an actual extrovert.

I also learned that I am very creative, intuitive and philosophical a true to form Sagittarius.

As a result of all this work, I really appreciate and even crave my alone/down time so much, I process information differently, I look forward to every moment I spend on my yoga mat and I am actually able to meditate on my own now. I used to think with meditation you had to shut down your brain to the point that no thoughts entered which is impossible and not what is required. Once I got the concept of simply “resting your body and mind” even for 5 minutes, I saw the benefits immediately.

Because of this transition I am a better person. My relationships are stronger and deeper. I have zero tolerance for toxic people and because of this I made a conscious choice to only surround myself with people who I feel good around. Sounds a little selfish, but it isn’t. Life is short and spending it with people who emotionally drain you or continuously take from you is not healthy, for either person. 

Always choose yourself.

The old me used to be busy constantly, planning my weekends in advance and making sure I always had a social function to attend or in the very least, people to spend time with. Now, I value my time so much, that I refuse to plan my life away. Some things are avoidable and there are times you need to plan things in advance. But my weekends are my time and most of the time I don’t know what I want to do until I tackle the day and sometimes I just want to do my own thing with no responsibilities or commitments and I want that flexibility to decide. This is OK!

Through this amazing transformation I have learned who I am as a person, a mother, friend, co-worker, employee and person of society and I truly like who I am. There are things I am working on and things that will not change that I have to accept about myself, but overall I am the healthiest I have ever been. I am grateful to have had this time to find me.

So, I encourage you to ask yourself…who are you? do you like you? and what would you change if you could?

Namaste’

Interested in life coaching?

Visit http://www.AveshaEmpower.com and contact us to schedule a free consultation

What I wish I always knew

When you are broken, let it motivate you to become who you really are meant to be.

Whatever that is.  Whoever that is.

Don’t let that experience go to waste.  Embrace it.  Feel it.  Own it.  Despise it.  Then love it.  Respect it.

It teaches you something.

Be YOU!

Whatever that is.  Whoever that is.

It is important that you learn the lesson or it will repeat and beat you up ten fold next time.

Look at yourself in the mirror, write yourself a love note, meditate and thank God for creating you.

Because there is only one you and you are AMAZING!
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Everything is a moment

Nothing is better or worse than this moment because this moment is the only one that truly exists.

As is noted and quoted frequently, “the past is gone and the future has not yet happened” – therefore the only true moment we have is right now, this moment, this second, this experience. Nothing else matters.

So with this knowledge, I empower you to ask yourself –

what is your action?

Are you going to keep living in the past? Are you hoping to bring a certain moment back so you can relive that same experience? or are you desperately hoping for a “re-do” so you can take the knowledge you have been given and with that you can handle a situation differently. (Ahhh wouldn’t that be nice?!)

Are you going to keep trying to control the future by predicting or guiding the outcome in your favor?

OR….

Are you going to focus on experiencing the NOW..not yesterday, last week, tomorrow, 3 weeks from now, next Christmas…you get my point!

Planning ahead for your future is fine, and sometimes necessary but you must leave room for the changes or bumps in the road that may change the course of your Journey.

Don’t get me wrong, you can “plan” for something as if it may happen, but you simply cannot predict or control the outcome and guarantee that it will.

Example:

Your child is born –

In your eyes he is brilliant, a leader, he is going to do great things.

So you plan his future, save for college, as he grows and develops you start putting YOUR ideas about his future into his head and into action about what he SHOULD do with his life.

Well, eventually your child grows up and he becomes his own person with his own purpose, his own likes and passions (or not) and unfortunately they don’t match your dreams and goals that you have for him.

So you become disappointed and frustrated because your child has not followed the path that you have created for him.

Ultimately this brings up feelings for you – rejection, failure, and fear for his future.

This happens because you didn’t leave room for change, you didn’t understand that your child, although he is your flesh and blood, he is not an extension of you. He has his own Journey to follow that may or may not be aligned with your vision for his life.

So the one thing we have to realize is, we have no control over anything.  Life is constantly changing and evolving around us.

Truthfully, I am grateful for this!

Can you imagine a life that didn’t change? What would we learn? How would we grow?

It is experiences, good and bad that shape us and make us into who we are (good and bad). We are never the same person – unless we stop growing.

Have you ever told a story from a long time ago. A story of struggle, a time you weren’t sure you were going to make it, but of course you did, and it made you so much stronger? You tell that story today with so much pride and even a little laughter at the situation thinking “wow, I can’t believe I made it through that!”

I have had some hard hard roads. Some of my experiences nearly broke me. However when I look back at those experiences I am truly grateful for them because they shaped me into the person I am today.

I am much more balanced from all these experiences and I am able to focus and appreciate each and every moment knowing that is all we really have.

This moment!

Empowered Feminine Energy

Learning how to balance your feminine and masculine energy (think ying / yang) is not an easy task, especially in today’s society.

Women are becoming more and more independent by honing in on their masculine energy.  In addition to being focused on their blossoming career they also tend to be in control of their home life.  Carrying much of the responsibilities with regard to children and managing and structuring home life which is run like a well oiled machine.

With women managing so much responsibility and having to be so “in control” they tend to lose their feminine energy and be more connected to their masculine energy.

Feminine Energy is –

  1. intuition
  2. emotions
  3. connection to nature
  4. being in tune with the cycles of life and the seasons
  5. creativity
  6. gives life
  7. attracts
  8. receives
  9. water element
  10. empathy
  11. sensuality
  12. spiritual

So how does a woman learn how to “be” vs. “do”?

How does she let go of control and allow things to happen?

How can she focus and enjoy the experience or the Journey and not focus or try to predict the end result and surrender to the unknown?

Well, she needs to do things that can help bring out and foster her feminine energy and regain balance and the natural flow of this energy.

Those things can include (but are not limited to):

  1. Dance – put on some music, sway to the beat, move around, jump around, do not stay still.  Enjoy the music and you can even sing if your soul desires to do so.
  2. Surround yourself with beauty – feminine colors (like pink, red, or peach), soft fabrics, amazing scents and beautiful sounds.
  3. Allow a day free of plan & just go with the flow.
  4. Foster your creativity:
    1. Crafting
    2. Painting
    3. Gardening
    4. Home decor/improvement
    5. Art
    6. Fashion
    7. Crocheting/knitting/sewing
    8. Writing
  5. Learn about yourself by being sensual – draw yourself a warm bath with Epsom salt and essential oils; burn a candle or two; listen to soft music; read a book; relax and enjoy.  Do anything that stimulates all 5 senses.

When we embrace and nurture our feminine energy we drawn in success (personal and professional), amazing people, and healthy relationships without the hustle and grind of trying to make things happen.

So ask yourself where are you most blocked?

What will you do to discover your feminine energy?

Contact me and let me know if you would like guidance while trying to discover this energy.

Namaste!

How to practice self love daily

How do you start your day?

~Life is an endless process of self discovery~

Self-love is not a trend, it is not something you do when you feel like it.  You don’t just “do self-love” after a break up or after you experience trauma.  Self-love is a life long practice that needs to be added to your every day life. With self-love comes the releasing of negative thoughts and self-criticism by embracing more of a loving and positive acceptance of yourself through forgiveness of yourself and others.

The Universal concept is that our thoughts create our actions and therefore those thoughts dictate the outcome in our lives.  Self-love is a very powerful and necessary practice and critical if you want to have healthy relationships with others.

Self-love is not selfish!

Taking care of and loving ourselves and being a whole, sound and emotionally healthy person allows us to take care of others without it feeling like a burden. If you aren’t taking care of yourself, if you don’t rest and relax your soul, then you will be of no help to others— especially yourself.  You will eventually feel drained and eventually there will be nothing left to give.  You must give to yourself as well as give to others.

Below is a a simple self-love checklist that may seem overwhelming to you at first, however, I promise that if you commit to adding a majority of them into your daily routine or practice as I like to call it, every single day, you’ll see the benefits immediately.

45 Ways to Practice Self-Love

  1. Create a quiet and safe zone in your home (may it be a corner, a closet, or a spare rom and deem it your “space”)
  2. Buy yourself fresh flowers (or cut them from your garden and display them)
  3. Grow a garden of fresh vegetables
  4. Start an exercise routine (yoga, pilates, the gym, take a walk) – increase those endorphins (see Creating a workout routine you can and will stick to)
  5. Read, take a nap, listen to music, sit quietly – please just rest your soul
  6. Buy yourself some new makeup and play with it
  7. Create a daily bucket list and post it
  8. Repeat the following mantra “I love and accept myself”
  9. Make a list of all the things you like about yourself
  10. Create a gratitude journal (see How to start Journaling – Keystone Habit)
  11. Start your day with meditation and yoga
  12. Implement a “treat yourself day” (mine is Friday)
  13. Dress nice, even if you don’t have to, put on those earrings, scarf and lipstick and show the world how beautiful you are
  14. Take a breath between your bites of food and savor the taste
  15. Make yourself a hot cup of coffee or tea and savor each sip
  16. Have a protein or collagen smoothie every morning
  17. Sleep at least 7 hours a day
  18. Say no and be ok with it
  19. Pay it forward, always
  20. Make someone feel good whenever you can
  21. Smile often, even if no one is smiling at you (they may think you are weird but that is ok)
  22. Eat food that is nourishing (put down the boxed food – unless its treat day)
  23. Get a massage and have them use essential oils
  24. Go for a hike or long walk in nature
  25. Be confident (walk and talk with confidence)
  26. Learn something new – dance classes, yoga, tennis lessons, start or join a MeetUp group
  27. Host a ladies night
  28. Call a friend and laugh for hours about nothing (no complaining)
  29. Spend time with your kids before they grow up and move away 😦
  30. Get a new haircut and/or buy some new makeup
  31. Eat chocolate guilt free (maybe on treat day)
  32. When someone offers your a compliment, simply say, “Thank you”
  33. Travel solo
  34. Set a no screen time in your house (dinner, after 9, etc)
  35. Set goals (see Improve your life with these simple Keystone Habits)
  36. Take a day off and do something nice for yourself (go to the gym, coffee shop, shop, meet a friend for lunch, take a walk, sleep)
  37. Self-love mantra: “I am enough. I have enough. I do enough”
  38. Let go of what no longer serves you
  39. Buy a diffuser and infuse essential oils like lavender
  40. Write a letter to yourself and put it away for a year
  41. Host a dinner party
  42. Hire a coach or a counselor (see The real benefits of working with a Life Coach)
  43. Take a hot bath with Epsom salt and lavender (or whatever your favorite oil is)
  44. Make new friends (and remove those toxic ones)
  45. Clean out your closet and donate clothes you no longer wear

The biggest message I have is, be gentle with yourself and always honor where you are at every stage of your Journey.

The best advice I have been given – ever is to ~feel your feelings~

Namaste’

Contact Us if you would like to work with a coach to help you kick start your self-love and self care routine!