expectations, do you have them?

I am 45 years old and have recently discovered something that was missing from my life, yep, you guessed it, expectations.

Despite having one too many expectations of myself (yes, this is the curse of being an over-achiever) I virtually had no expectations of others in my life.  I am currently working on this.

In my personal relationships especially is where I lack. I had this notion that I had to be absolutely perfect and self sufficient otherwise I was not lovable.  Only problem is, when you are too busy trying to be perfect, which is impossible, you are also setting unrealistic expectations on the other side which leaves no room for vulnerability or the ability to just be yourself.

Also, when you have no expectations of a partner, you give and give and receive nothing in return which is exactly how you structure things.  You have designed your relationship this way, for whatever reason, maybe for control and safety?   However, existing like this, is completely one sided and can be quite lonely.  When you give and do not receive anything back, you are basically the only contributor to a one sided relationship.  This can wear on your soul, over time.

You may tell yourself that you are happy with things this way, by existing this way you think you have some sort of control because you rely on him or her for nothing. However, all you have done is isolate yourself in a one sided and empty relationship.  This does catch up with you!  Over time feelings of resentment creep in.  Truly at no fault to your partner, as you taught him or her early on that this is what you would accept.

Nothing.

This is fear based behavior.  When you live in a place of fear you are constantly afraid of losing something.  In my case, my biggest fear was if he knows I am not perfect, he will leave.

How sad is that thought process!  No one is perfect, not even a little.

So I am on this amazing Journey of preparing myself for a healthy and happy relationship and my next step is setting boundaries and expectations knowing what I really want and expect from a relationship and partner.

Truth be told, this is kind of fun for me.  I love healing work.

Below I have listed a few of my expectations of a relationship, some are quite simple (see if any resonate with you):

  1. Emotional maturity and availability
  2. Loyalty
  3. Support (this one is HUGE for me)
  4. Guidance/Teaching
  5. Patience
  6. Affection
  7. Respect
  8. Fun
  9. Love
  10. Vulnerability
  11. Intimacy

There are more, but this is a good start.  I don’t think I have experienced even ONE of these in the 19 years of relationships I was in.  Maybe “fun”, but only at the expense of my integrity and morals sometimes.  There was always a cost.

So I empower you to ask yourself – do you have expectations of the important people in your life?  Your husband, boyfriend, children, co-workers, boss?  If not, start thinking about what you want those expectations to be and jot them down.

I am also working on this in my professional life.  What are the expectations I have of myself that are realistic, of my staff, my co-workers, my boss and the Company as a whole.

We really do teach people how we want to be treated.  If we allow certain behaviors we are telling them that its OK.  If we don’t accept certain behaviors, we are training people to treat us the way we deserve.

Some of this stuff is so simple you almost can’t believe it takes so long to “get it’.

Would love to hear from you if you are in the process of setting boundaries and expectations for yourself and others.

Namaste

As always, please contact us if you would like to set up a coaching appointment.  I would love to work with you on setting your expectations.

You may be the emotionally unavailable one, here’s why!

We have all dated that person, the one that is never quite ready for a commitment (with you).  They drive you to the brink of insanity and then pull you back with incredible passion that you have never experienced before.  They bring out a side to you that you didn’t know you had in you.  They are truly magical.

They keep you on your toes, as you wait with baited breath for every text, phone call and an eventual date.  Every date is magical…leaving you wanting more and more and when the date is over, its drama city…tears, anxiety, sadness, confusion, wondering when and if you are going to see them again.

They aren’t ready to give themselves up to you, however they have no problem spending all their time with you, having sex with you, sleeping over, eating your food, going on vacation with you, and everything else couples do…without the commitment and -oh  yeah – no monogamy.  They are using you.  Whether its for money, sex, validation, attention, a place to crash, someone to fill their voids, someone who keeps them from being alone (with themselves), a person to chill with until someone better comes along.  Whatever it is they need you are giving it to them and therefore they are using you.

Yet we believe in our souls that if we morph into exactly what they want you us to be, they will love us.  So we spend all our energy on making them happy, trying to make them love us (and they don’t), chasing them when they run and convincing them how amazing we are (they see it, they just don’t care).  Until one day you wake up and grasp that years have gone by and you realize that no matter what you do…they will not love you, they do not want you or what you want (or say you want), and yes, they have been using you.

So…you finally pull away and say you can’t do this anymore, that there is nothing left of your self esteem and you are tired of giving so much of yourself and receiving nothing in return….oh boy, look out….they WILL come back in full force (and this is not a good thing).  They will promise you the world…the stars…their soul…as long as you don’t leave them.   They love you, they will start respecting you more, they will spend more time with you, they realize how much they don’t want to live without you.  Amazing huh?  Wow, this is everything you ever wanted to hear –  you just wanted him to just realize how amazing you are and to see your value, to want you the way you want them.

You are ecstatic, and without any thought process you immediately take them back – with no boundaries in place, no making them prove themselves, no slow ease back into it..just as quickly as he came back after you, you go running back.

Ugh…MISTAKE!

Surprise, nothing has changed.  They were good for a little while, they showed you a little more attention, but ultimately they didn’t change.  Why?  Because people don’t change unless they want to and they can’t without doing the work.  They came running back to you because they just didn’t want to lose their security blanket (yes that is what you were).  You see, they fear abandonment as well.  So as much as they don’t want to commit to you, they don’t want to lose you either.  Its really all just a sad and lonely cycle of avoiding abandonment.

However, the good news is that eventually the cycle does end (if you are lucky) – leaving you exhausted, with them moving on to another person who is just like you (a door mat) –  leaving you in a heap on the floor.  You cry, wish for another day with them, begging God for them to love you, because if they did your life would be complete.  They are what makes life magical and worth living.

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

Newsflash!!

They are your mirror, its that simple.  You have played the emotional unavailability dance and its time for the music to stop.  Its time to figure out why you too are emotionally unavailable and more vested in chasing men who don’t want you vs. finding out why you don’t really want them either.

Thankfully it is possible to end this cycle forever, abandon this dance and move towards a healthy and balanced relationship with an emotionally available person but ONLY when YOU become emotionally available yourself.

My dear this isn’t just about them…this is about you too.

So here are some ways to start becoming emotionally available and start healing so you can seek and find a fabulous and stable relationship with someone who is available to you.


  1. Figure out your biggest fears!  What is holding you back? – whether its fear of getting hurt, abandonment (most likely), being vulnerable, fear of engulfment, giving up your own space, whatever it is…identify it.
  2. Once you have identified it, write about it in your journal! – where did this fear come from?  childhood? when did you first notice this fear?  write down every detail in your journal.  once its identified and “out there” its much easier to work towards a resolution.
  3. Finding a resolution – depending on what your fears and issues are you may need to seek a therapist, counselor or life coach to work towards resolving these issues.
  4. Let go of people who have hurt you in the past – understand that getting hurt is a part of life – painful experiences are what teach us our biggest lessons so we can grow and learn to heal those parts of us that are holding on.  let them go and yes, forgive.
  5. Think about your favorite people and write in your journal what you like about each and every one of them –  after you have done this, send each of them a text and let them know you are grateful for their presence in your life.
  6. Next, write down your favorite things about you – for some people this will be an easy exercise and for others this will be very difficult.  this exercise can help you identify how you view yourself – and as you know, how you see yourself is how others see you as well.  what you put out into the Universe is what is coming back to you – full circle.
  7. Let go of your emotional addictions (I call them void fillers) – the over eating, the smoking, too much drinking, drugs, social media, sex, porn etc.  these are not helping you in any way.  learn to sit with your feelings, with yourself and be comfortable with them.  this takes lots of practice, its uncomfortable and surely there will be a lot of tears and moments where you want to give up.  don’t.  learning to sit with your feelings is the biggest step to healing and best way to avoid starting a new cycle of emotional unavailability in another person – just to avoid feeling.
  8. Give your time, money, love and support to others who need it – there are so many people out there who are struggling.  it feels good to help people, in any way, whether its to volunteer, donate money or household items.  this is a great way to show gratitude for what you do have by giving to others that don’t have anything.
  9. Find yourself – you spent countless hours, months and even years catering to someone who didn’t see your value (this is because you don’t see your value).  spend less time trying to find a man or woman to fill your void and validate you and more time figuring  out who you are, what you want from life, and what makes you happy.  when you do this, you will figure out what type of person you should have in your life and no longer will you accept someone who is not right for you, let alone chase them to make them see how great you are.  you won’t need that.
  10. Love yourself – after you figure out who you are, treat yourself well.  treat yourself and love yourself the way you want to be treated and loved.  the saying really is true, how can someone love you and respect you if you don’t respect yourself.  they can’t and they won’t.  once you start loving yourself, it becomes a wonderful and  healthy addiction.  you won’t settle for less.  I promise.

Emotionally unavailability is an invisible shield meant to protect us from hurt.  The sad part is, it doesn’t protect us at all, it makes things worse.

Remove that invisible shield and start working on yourself today.  If you would like to work with a coach to help you on this new Journey of emotional availability, contact us today.

-A

The journey begins….

And so it begins….the transformation of my once broken soul to a strong, confident, happy and balanced person.

I was once a very anxious, scared little girl living inside a grown woman’s body.  I cared so much about what others thought of me, I was terrified of making decisions and although I appeared extremely confident on the outside, my insides would scream at me that I was not good enough.

I still feel that way at times.  Insecure and sad, abandoned and scared.  The difference now is that I honor those feelings instead of trying to push them away.

Navigating through childhood “stuff”, loss of significant people in your life, loss of what you perceived as love, recognizing and dealing with bad choices and their consequences are all very heavy burdens to handle.  Not all of us are equipped with the tools to deal with most of these things.  These are the things that can destroy us internally.

However, through my own Phoenix Process – I have learned that if you feel your feelings and don’t try to push them away you will work through them much faster and most of the time they will pass (if you let them).  Holding on to them can feel like you are protecting yourself, like a shield, but the reality is you are only hurting yourself and prolonging your healing.

If you do everything in your power to avoid feeling your feelings…by drinking, over planning your time, drugs, sex, pornography, clinging to relationships..you are prolonging the entire process of healing and actually making things worse.

It takes time to process feelings and avoiding them doesn’t make them go away, unfortunately they get stored in our subconscious and eventually those thoughts and feelings you are trying to avoid come seeping out….through anxiety, depression, nightmares, anger, however your body wants to process them.  There is NO escaping these thoughts and feelings no matter how much you drink, eat, have sex, etc.  They will always be there.

So my advice is to truly feel your feelings….cry until there are no more tears left…and please know that at some point this period of sadness/anxiety will pass and you will feel so much better as you catapult to the next stage of healing.

It is also important to create new good memories which will ultimately replace the older ones that are stuck in your mind.  We tend to cling to what feels good and forget what hurt us in the past.  I assume this is for survival.  However it is not healthy to hang on to the past and focus only on what felt good, just as its not healthy to ruminate about what hurt you.  There comes a point in time, once we have let our feelings seep in, that we have to let go and move on from the past (good and bad) and focus on what is in front of us.

We truly are the director of our own lives and we do have the ability to construct our lives exactly how we want them to be.  With a little time and effort and some real belief in yourself and the Universe, you can live the life you want…within reason.  Set your expectations to a realistic measure and start making better choices that involve self care and self love.  Remove toxic people from your life, think before you act, do not engage in self fulfilling prophecy’s and focus on how you would like to feel.  Everything is about feelings and how things make us feel.  Love is a feeling, sadness is a feeling, happiness is a feeling.  Construct your life in a way that makes you feel good.

But also understand that you will not be happy every single day of your life.  There will be days you question yourself, your friends, your lover and your choices.  That is ok.  How in the world would we be able to recognize things are good if there was no “bad”.  We wouldn’t.  The bad times are what help us appreciate all the good we have.

Write down (right now) about 10 things in your life that you are grateful for and smile as you write them.  Say each thing out loud and say thank you like 2 or 3 times with true gratitude.

I am personally grateful for so many things…my beautiful children, my peaceful and zen home, yoga, Luke (my beautiful and smart Golden), my friendships, peace, food and water, my career and financial stability, my gardens, the earth/nature, travel, amazing coffee.  The list really and truly is endless.

Everyone can list their lack, the things they don’t have, the things they want, the things they miss, but that just creates more lack.  Focusing on what you do have will help you attract more and more wonderful things, even if they aren’t exactly what you want.  The Universe has an incredible way of providing us what we need.

As a survivor of abandonment and trauma I can tell you that the mind is a very powerful thing and it is actually what gets us into trouble 99% of the time.

We literally create most of our own issues by:

  1. focusing on the past and not whats happening in front of us
  2. ruminating – allowing thoughts to run rapid in our minds
  3. not appreciating the things we have and always creating a feeling of lack
  4. not letting go of anger
  5. not dealing with our issues and letting them fester inside us
  6. loving people that are wrong for us and treat us poorly
  7. not valuing ourselves and putting ourselves first
  8. not practicing self love and care
  9. allowing others to define our worth
  10. giving away our power

We do not have to do this, we can gain control of our thoughts (if not fully, partially) and re-direct them back to a positive and happy thought process.  It takes practice and consistency but through yoga, meditation, mindfulness, earthing and grounding and many other wonderful techniques it can be done.

I am finally at a place where I can fully let go of my negative thoughts just by using my tools that I have learned the past two years.

Being able to do this has totally changed my life and it can change yours.

Feel your feelings, let them in and let them go…

Namaste

 

 

Learning to live in the calm

I read a fantastic article the other day that really resonated with me.  The writer was referencing how a lot of us have a difficult time living in the calm, therefore we [subconsciously] create our own drama just so we feel something.

Sometimes, life can be too calm and in that calmness, for those of who have been living on high alert for many many years, waiting for other shoe to drop, walking on egg shells, waiting for someone to hurt us, walk out on us or cheat on us, that calm can feel very empty.  This is because the internal fight or flight response has been our only source of fuel.

Calm….feels…scary!  It represents the unknown, it feels weird and unsettling.  We sit…waiting for something to happen and when it doesn’t….we get confused and feel emptiness inside us, which is very confusing to our psyche.

It’s a sad realization when that feeling of empty washes over us.  We tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel empty, we should feel at peace, but we don’t, not yet.  We will, but it takes time and lots of work on ourselves to allow ourselves to be at peace, to fill that emptiness with things that make us happy, to learn to soothe ourselves in that moment of peace that is so foreign to us.

We have spent too much time living in a chaotic and toxic environment under a big black cloud, and that became our norm.  We knew what to expect, we lived it daily….our norm was their anger, cycling of moods, cheating, discontentment, histrionics, alcohol abuse, temper tantrums, lies, secrecy and depression. Our sole job has been to try to manage this person and their moods while trying to succeed at our own lives….job, parenting, keeping the house, paying the bills and trying to keep everyone…happy.

Exhausting and fucking IMPOSSIBLE!

When we finally decided to leave and save ourselves from the madness that we thought we could handle, over time things finally became calm.  Our space becomes peaceful, there is no black cloud there to invade our space, no one rolling their eyes at us and cutting us down, no one angry at our kids just for existing, no one lying to our face while cheating on us behind your back, no one to take you down a notch..just for fun.  No one to blame us for their poor choices.  Its now just…calm.

Although this is amazing, it is also a complete mind fuck.  The peace and space leaves us  feeling empty.  We have no one to manage but ourselves and it is then that we realize how much energy that person stole from us.  Now we have to figure out what to do with all this free time we have now that this emotional vampire has finally moved on to someone else that they can suck the life out of.

So what should we do with this time?  Well….after the initial shock of realizing we have this time, after the confusion subsides, after the haze disappears….we should ENJOY THIS TIME!

Take a class, do yoga, read, rebuild your relationship with your friends, get a pet, start a blog, get involved in your community, join a meet up group, see a therapist, work with a life coach, but whatever we do….we need to enjoy this time of peace.

What we should NOT DO IS FIND ANOTHER SOUL SUCKING TICK.  That would be the easiest thing to do to fill this time we are not used to having, but its the most devastating thing we could do.

It is time to spend some time with ourselves, create a happy place in our homes, start a garden, go hiking, do whatever it takes to find ourselves!

In time, when we feel we know who we are and what we want, and when we are no longer in danger of finding another emotional vampire….only then can we go back out into the world of dating.

We will know when we are ready….and when we are not.

Until then, find you, love you, honor you and complete you…above all else.

Love, peace, light

 

Daily post: Vague

via daily post: Vague

I had a vague understanding of what was about to hit me although the timing wasn’t clear to me.

It is crazy how our intuition will guide us if you allow it and ignoring our intuition is what gets us into trouble.

Looking back to that time period, I knew in my heart something wasn’t right.  I had a vague idea of what it was, but I wasn’t allowing myself to be still long enough to get all the information I needed.  The messages I was receiving weren’t clear.  Although my body knew, my soul knew, my heart knew, but my mind simply wasn’t ready.

Then the moment came when the Universe intervened and told me everything I needed to know even though I wasn’t ready to hear it.

It was no longer vague, things were quite clear.  The messages were being received even if I tried to block them.

It was time for my new Chapter.

The Process of Healing from “Toxic”

Toxic by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

via daily post: Toxic

I read this fantastic article by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby and identified with it completely so I thought I would take the time and write a short blog about healing and what this looks like to me, personally.  To some people who are knee deep in a toxic situation, healing can feel impossible -something that they will never achieve.

Healing is a process.

True healing takes time.  Yes, it is soul wrenching and painful, but you eventually reach a point in your healing, whether it be 6 months down the road or 2 years down the road when you can stop and look at where you are and say…wow,  look how far I have come and it is then that you know, you have reached that point where you would never go back to toxic…it just wouldn’t work for you anymore.

So yes, healing is a process and one that is, as I said, very difficult but it is so worth every tear you shed, every exhausted therapy session and every moment where you think you can’t endure another day…but you do.

I have done this work, I know what true healing from years of toxic means so I have gathered my thoughts this morning and compiled a list of what healing means to me and my hope is that these resonate with you.


Healing Means…

  • Accepting my actions and choices
  • Becoming comfortable with who I am
  • Learning from my mistakes
  • Letting the past go
  • Enjoying the present
  • Forming “my Tribe”
  • Learning to be alone and enjoying it
  • Deciding what I want from life
  • Learning new behaviors
  • Enjoying the peace
  • Forgiving myself and those who have wronged me
  • Ignoring timelines
  • Letting go of judgments (of myself and others)
  • Finding my purpose
  • Learning to love as is (myself and others)
  • Surrounding myself with all that is beautiful & positive

This process has been an amazing Journey for me, one that I would not trade for anything.

So, if you are on the toxic ride and ready to get off please know that having a healthy and happy life apart from “toxic” is not impossible.  When you are ready to commit to a healthier way of living, you can take the small steps that it takes to get there.

If you would like to discuss a plan on how to starting healing from toxic contact us.  I can tell you how to get there.

Remember, we only have this one life…it is meant to be enjoyed to the fullest!

~love~light~healing~

-Avesha

Letting go and finding you

Letting go is probably the easiest thing to say but the hardest thing in life to do.  Letting go involves so many different emotions…but mainly, fear.

We hang on tight to whatever it is that owns us because we are afraid to trust ourselves, the Universe and God to catch us as we inevitably fall.  There is a release when we let go which can be exciting and terrifying at the same time.  Sometimes we are ready for it, but its letting go of that last grip that paralyzes us.

We know its time, we have known for a while, but knowing and doing are so different.  When you finally let go, its over.  Then what?  Its time for your next journey!  There is no more waiting for something to change or get better.  You have surrendered to the fact that that which you let go of, will no longer will be.

Letting go is a process which involves self discovery and it can be a long one, so it is incredibly important to honor yourself during this time.  You need to feel whatever feelings come up and do not push them away for another time (because I promise, they will return).  Feel them and then let them go.  Honor what you need at that moment.  Do you need to isolate? do you need support? do you need to work with a counselor?  It is important that you give yourself whatever it is you need at the time to be able to move forward with letting go and not jump backwards trying to preserve yourself.

Please know that friends will not always come with you…letting go of one thing may cause a trickle down effect that may cause you to let go other things along the way (been there, done that).  You may find, as you go along your beautiful journey that some people and circumstances may no longer serve you on this new path that you have carved for yourself.  That is OK, let them go.  You can love them as you always have but you acknowledge that they no longer serve your Highest Self.

Now its time to find you (this is the exciting part)!

Now that you have let go of what was weighing you down and holding you back, let’s explore:

Who are you?

What excites you?

What emotions do you feel after letting go?

What does a blank slate look like to you?

Where are you struggling with the most?

Start journaling your thoughts and feelings, daily, or even multiple times a day (I carry a journal with me).  Documenting your journey is the best way to (a) gage progress (b) understanding who you were vs. who you are today (c) see where you are headed and what your road blocks are.

There are many reasons to hold on but even more reasons to let go.  Letting go releases those binds that hold us to things that are not good for us.  Letting go truly does open the door for so much good to enter.

If you close a door, a window will open, trust me, I say this from experience.

Letting go is a painful lesson on life’s journey but the rewards once you get to the other side are amazing.

~Peace~Love~Light~

Avesha