Life with a Narcassist

What seemed like a perfect story book romance – two childhood best friends reuniting and forming a beautiful bond and eventually getting married – (with many red flags which I ignored) ended up being a complete nightmare for every single person involved.  It took me years to figure out what the issue was.  There was clearly addiction – check,  for sure mental illness – check, some PTSD ok we can go there – check…but at the end of the day none of those issues were the root cause of what was going on in our “cycle”, there was more.  It wasn’t until the final straw that broke the camels back that I started to figure it out.

It was severe narcissism.  

I had NO idea what narcissism was.  I had heard the term and had even heard him use it to describe his ex-wife, but in no way did I have any idea how bad of a thing it was/is and that I was living and married to the most dangerous narcissist that could possibly exist (ok maybe not the most dangerous but close and definitely in my world he is).

It was only then that my healing began.

It has been a very long, deep-dark and painful road to healing and recovery.  Thank God there is so much information out there for one to research and read because it really does help.

My two favorite forums for narcissistic recovery are:

https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/

https://letmereach.com/

Let me tell you, during my “withdraw” stage I read and joined every single article and forum out there trying to figure out how to get out of the hell I was living.  I also learned I did not want to end up like a lot of the women in that forum.  So many of those women are broken, with no options (emotionally or financially) and have to stay for many reasons whether it be fear, children, finances, health etc.  Thankfully we had no children together, I have my own career and income and I had my own resources and support network so I had options and every single day of my life I am grateful for that.

I vowed to myself once I got through the healing process and graduated trauma therapy  I would dedicate myself to helping others.  There are so many resources out there which help you identify what narcissism is, when you are being abused, and what you should do (GET THE HELL OUT), but I recognized that there are few resources that help the people who have little options like little to no financial resources, no support system, health issues, etc.  Some are so beaten down that they don’t have the energy or the motivation to fight for a healthier life.  They are so riddled with fear and abandonment that even if they have the financial means to leave they don’t.

My goal is to empower these women to help themselves to become strong enough to leave.  I want them to walk out that door knowing they are taking care of themselves (and their children) and setting an example for all women out there that this type of abuse will no longer be tolerated.

These women need support and guidance.  They need to know the basics, where to start, how to gain their confidence and esteem back, how to fix their financial situation, how to prepare their children, where to begin with their journey of self-love and healing and most of all how to keep the fear at bay so they won’t return to the cycle of abuse.

If you are experiencing this type of abuse, you are not alone.  If you know someone in this situation, you can support them and encourage them to get help.

Contact me for an initial consultation to create a healing plan so we can get you on your Journey to a healthier life.

No one has to live with Narcissistic abuse.

Namaste’

 

 

 

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This is your life!

What do you want?

Do you want to help people?  Do you want more wealth?  A better job?  To be skinnier? Healthier?  Stronger?  To be single or committed to someone?

This is the year to make it happen, trust me, it really is!

Whatever you want, you can have, ask and you shall receive.

Life is a series of choices, good and bad.  Life doesn’t happen to us, we make life happen.  The choices we make directly affects the path our life takes.

You want to be happier, change your attitude and the way you view things.  Be grateful for what you have and only focus on what you can change and make better.

Want to travel more, then find a way to make that happen.  Either through work, planning a family vacation, a girls trip or go solo….there are many ways to make travel a part of your life.

Want more down time? clear your schedule and make more time for YOU.  If you work, take a day off during the week and declare that day a YOU day.  Turn your phone off…seriously!  Go to the gym, get a facial or a pedicure, take a walk, read, go to a cafe and drink a latte in peace.  Whatever it is you enjoy doing do it.  If you are a stay at home mom, the same applies, while the kids are in school go celebrate YOU!.

Want to be healthier? Great, create a Wellness routine (nutrition and exercise) and stick to it.  There are plenty of online resources that can help you create a personalized wellness plan which includes a daily work out, meditation routine and nutrition menu.  Remember nothing has to be set in stone and everything can be modified, what you plan is just a guide.  Over time you will acclimate your plan to your routine.  If you need help, we can help you get started on your wellness Journey.  Just Contact Us

Want to redecorate your house, start a new hobby, start a MeetUp group, go out with friends more or join a book club?  DO IT!!!

Stop the excuses – they get you absolutely no where and so many people use them as crutches and truthfully they keep you from being your best self and enjoying life.

Here are some lame excuses:

  • I don’t have time
  • I am so busy
  • Work is crazy right now
  • The kids play baseball, basketball, football, do dance, etc. etc. etc.
  • Money is tight
  • I am single
  • I will get to it eventually
  • I will start tomorrow

Life is short, one day you will wake up and realize how much life has passed you by while you were busy making excuses.

Here are my responses to the excuses above:

  • Make time, you are in charge of your life/schedule
  • No one is that busy – trust me
  • Work will always be crazy, its work
  • So get your husband, a friend or another mother to drive one way while you go to the gym or take a class
  • Do something that doesn’t cost money
  • Ok single doesn’t mean dead, join a group, ask a friend, go by yourself
  • You will never get to it with that attitude

So act now, make your list of things you want to accomplish this year and start today!

Namaste’

A New Year, a New You?

Its 2018!   Happy NEW YEAR!

What does this year hold for you?

Did you set your intentions?  Are they realistic and obtainable?

If you haven’t set them yet, it is ok, you have 365 days to set them.  But I want you to be realistic about them, think deep about what you want and ask the Universe to help you.  Then let it go…out into the Universe and start working towards it.

Fitness and losing weight is always a big one for people.  Do you want to lose a few pounds?  Have you figured out how you will do this?  Did you go online and research diet and exercise plans or did you hire a wellness coach to help you?

Career and money.  Are you wanting/needing a new job.  Do you want to change fields? Have you decided how you are going to achieve this?  Did you start networking?  Have you put yourself out there on LinkedIn?  Have you started your job search?  How about taking some classes online?

Love.  This is a tough one as we never know when love is going to walk into our lives.  I would love to say you will log onto your dating app and the perfect man will be right there.  Hey, you never know, that could happen, but odds are…it won’t.  So what will you do to attract your perfect partner this year?  Will you try different or multiple dating apps?  Ask your friends to set you up?  Go out more?  Sure this is good but honestly the best advice I can give you is to love yourself.  Love yourself so much that the energy you would normally put into finding someone goes right back into yourself.  That energy will fuel you to do the other things on your resolution list like lose weight, advance your career, change career paths, meet fitness goals, etc.

I read something lately that said “be the person you want to date”.  We all know that we are a mirror (see my blog Holding up the mirror).  If you are insecure, sad, lonely, feel abandoned….that is what you will attract.  However, on the flip side, if you are confident, content, happy, fulfilled, successful and have a great life….what do you think will happen…you will attract that same person.

Another article I read asked “if you met the male version of yourself, would you date him”.  BRILLIANT question.  6 months ago I would have said NO WAY.  But today, I say, oh yah, for sure I would.  I would be proud to date someone like me.

What’s the difference in me from 6 months ago.  Everything.  I changed my story.  I got divorced, moved, worked hard in trauma therapy, I went to school to be a coach so I could help others, I focused on me, my kids, my career and started creating the life I wanted to have.  I simply started making small changes in myself that started shifting my vibration which ultimately led me to manifesting, naturally.

Loving myself was hard work, there were days I wanted to give up and go back to the way I was because I was comfortable with the misery.  Knowing what to expect, even if it was unhealthy, was less scary than the unknown.   But then I started seeing the growth in myself and the benefit of all the work, remember small victories make for large ones later.  Always recognize and celebrate the small victories.  Like sleeping through the night, eating full meals, going a day without crying, etc.  Those seem small, but they are huge.

So, my point is, loving yourself, truly loving who you are makes all the difference in the world.  That is a hard concept for me to teach, you just have to trust and start small.  For me, the first thing I chose to do was overcome my fear of being alone by forcing myself….to be alone.  It’s easy to surround ourselves with people and things and to keep ourselves so busy that we don’t have to deal with our problems or past issues.  Its easy to delve into a new relationship because it feels good and it allows us to ignore the empty void inside us.  Until the shiny new relationship doesn’t feel so good anymore and it becomes work, like any relationship, and then we are forced to look inward and admit that we are repeating the same cycle over and over.

I tell my friends, family and clients all the time that you can “stuff” your problems for only so long until eventually the pain oozes out in some area of your life and shows itself as stress, depression, anxiety, addiction, etc.  You can run, but you can’t hide.   Your issues will always be there.  However, if you take the time to be with yourself and tackle these issues one at a time, the outcome will be incredible.

At this point, once you have become the person you want to be, that will be when you attract healthy things and people into your life.  It is a process, it is work, it is exhausting, but it is so worth it.

So what will 2018 bring for you?

As always, if you are interested in coaching, please contact me at aveshaempower@gmail.com or visit our Contact Us Page

Namaste’

 

Look forward

Nothing good comes from going backwards.  Life is not meant to be lived in repeat mode.

Let go, search for happiness or let happiness find you, explore who you are – every inch of you.

Feel the pain, the fear, the grief and the sadness.  Feel empty, lost, alone and scared.  Feel it until you do not feel it anymore.  Do what you have to, but never go backwards.

Nothing good comes from looking backwards.

“The past is like using your rear-view mirror in the car, it’s good to glance back and see how far you’ve come, but if you stare too long you’ll miss what’s right in front of you.”

Just keep going on your new journey and let your intuition guide you.

You see, if something ends, whether it be a job, a friendship or relationship, its because it was meant to.  That is the way the Universe scripted it.  If we don’t let it end, the lesson isn’t learned and we will keep experiencing the same pain, frustration or anxiety until we finally learn the lesson.  To avoid this – move on and let go.

Nothing good comes from staying in the past.

Cycles repeat, people get hurt, the pain gets dragged out, the cuts get deeper and the wounds heal slower.  Why prolong the inevitable.  Why hold on to something that causes you pain.  The same goes with holding on to anger or resentment.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

Letting go can be magical, if you allow it to be.  Once you have grieved and then healed, once you have felt your pain and accepted your fate, you can move on with grace and even a little bit of excitement knowing that your life truly is a blank slate.   You can start over and make this life whatever you want it to be.

You can start fresh, welcome new friendships and relationships, learn about yourself..who you are and what you like and desire (check out How well do you know yourself).  You can choose to keep or let go of your friends, choose who you spend your precious time with, choose how people treat you.  Doesn’t that sound amazing?

You are the writer of your own story.  What will Chapter One look like?

Think of all your friends and family who are living a life they are not happy in but are too afraid to change it.  I pity them, seriously I do.  Life is so short, why be anything but happy.

So I encourage you to be that person who doesn’t let fear guide them.

Start writing your new story, now.

I can’t wait to read it.

Namaste’

 

 

 

 

Every day is not a happy one

There are going to be those days when you wake up and question everything.  Where you are angry at the Universe for whatever didn’t go right in your life or whatever expectations didn’t happen. It’s ok.

Moments when you cry while getting ready for work, or barely make it through a sentence without tearing up when talking to your friend or co-worker.  Don’t push the tears away….embrace them.

Times when you just can’t see the positive or don’t want to and looking forward seem so bleek.

Go with it and feel it because this is normal.  This IS feeling.

Even if your life is going great and you are blessed with a great job, a beautiful home, an amazing husband, kids, whatever your life has given you……you can still have a down day or two – do not feel guilty – do not push away the feelings.

A day when you question everything and everyone in your life.  A day when you can’t stand even your closest friends and you barely make it through the workday without snapping.

Completely normal.

It is normal to question things, get bored, look at life and say…what the fuck is the point!

Just know tomorrow, or the next day, most likely will be different.

So when you are feeling bored, discontent, sad or angry at life…go with it and feel it because I guarantee something will come out of it.  There is always a lesson.

Treat yourself to something amazing, a bowl of your favorite ice cream, buy something on Wayfair, take a bubble bath, make some green tea and journal, do an extra yoga session, call a friend and tell her what you are feeling.  Whatever you do, do it with love for yourself.

Remember, we are not expected to be happy all of the time, its life.  Life is a series of ups and downs.  The downs make us appreciate the ups!

However if you find you are sad more than you are happy and you can’t seem to get out of your “funk”.  Then you may want to look deeper into what is causing you to feel this way.  Work with a trusted friend, therapist or life coach to explore what you are feeling and how to resolve it.  Remember life is meant to be a Journey of lessons and exploration.  The hard roads really do bring us to the best destinations but we do not have to suffer either.  If this seems more like a hard life than a hard and bumpy road, then I urge you to seek comfort in someone.

If you would like to set up a one on one coaching session please contact me at aveshaempower@gmail.com

Namaste’

 

How well do you know yourself – (self guided exercise)

As a follow-up to a previous post How well do you know yourself the worksheet below can help you self guide through some important questions to determine how well you really do know yourself.  The purpose of this exercise is to help you discover what you need to work on so you can find your true self.

As with anything, self-care work is a process.  I always refer to it as Stepping Stones.  It is a very delicate process and you need to take it one step at a time and not miss any steps.

  1. Describe yourself in 10 words or less (please use your own words – we are gauging how you view yourself not how others view you – they can be quite different)
  2. What is something you can change about yourself today that will benefit your future?
  3. What are you struggling with that no longer serves you and you can simply let go of and release?
  4. What deep needs do you have that aren’t being met?
  5. Are you holding back forgiveness (which is keeping you from moving forward)?  If so, to who do you owe forgiveness to?
  6. What negative thought patterns do you have?  do you ruminate these thoughts?
  7. Are you fully present with the people you love when you are with them?
  8. Are you making life more complicated than it needs to be?  Where and how?
  9. Are you mistreating your body or compromising your health? (i.e. over eating, drinking, smoking, over exercising, stressing, work compulsion)
  10. What do you feel most passionate about?
  11. What do you need more of in your life?
  12. What would your friends and family say your strengths and weaknesses are?
  13. What is your vision for yourself in the next 5 years?
  14. If you died tomorrow, what would be your biggest regret?  what would you regret not doing?
  15. Have you let go of past trauma?  are you letting it control your future?

This is a self guided exercise to open your mind and help you see where you need to put extra focus.

My suggestion, write all your answers in a journal or notebook and tackle one or two questions at a time.   Really put thought into your responses, remember you will be the only one seeing them.

Once you start working through the answers you will start understanding yourself better.  It’s pretty amazing.

If you would like to do this exercise together in a one on one coaching session please contact me at http://www.AveshaEmpower.com or aveshaempower@gmail.com and we can set up a time that is convenient for you.

Namaste’

– I am safe, I am grounded, I am balanced –