Category Archives: relationships

Who are you?

Through the process of self-discovery I realized that I had spent so much time living the way I wanted others to see me that I wasn’t being my true and authentic self. After much time alone in self-discovery mode I have truly found my path on this Journey and it is incredible.

One of the best things that I did was removing myself from all social media (i.e. Facebook, Instagram). In fact this is first thing I require my coaching clients to do. This helps them regain their sense of worth, empowers them to validate themselves and frees up a lot of time that they were spending looking at other people’s lives and comparing their own lives to another’s. This is not healthy.

My advice to everyone who is on a Journey of healing is — GET OFF SOCIAL MEDIA! Yes, I am yelling 🙂

Once you remove yourself from social media or at least Facebook, you can start to learn who you are and get to know yourself without all of the noise and the constant chaos of social media. You won’t be posting something in hopes of validation that someone “liked” it and disappointment when they don’t. Instead, that validation will come from within. It is critical that you learn to validate yourself and not seek your self worth from others.

It took me a good solid and downright painful year of solitude to figure out who I was, the good and the not so good. I found it to be easier to start with the broken side of me, because that is usually the most obvious and well its the hardest to face and conquer.

I learned very quickly that I was a complete control freak which derived from a severe fear of abandonment. I literally tried to control every single aspect of my life. I knew this needed to change. So I dug deep with a therapist and we started working to heal those childhood wounds. I learned that because of my need for control, I wasn’t even remotely enjoying life I was steering and driving it to go the way I thought it needed to go and missing the beauty of surprise which can be so magical. I was missing all of the magic.

The reality is, it is impossible to control every aspect of our lives, but this is a hard lesson to learn for sure.

I learned many other things about myself which were depressing, interesting, eye opening and confusing all at the same time but I have to say, this Journey of self discovery has been truly amazing. Learning about yourself is cathartic on so many levels and really opens up the doors to healing.

So, after I started working through the “bad” stuff, the positive parts of me surfaced and I have discovered some really neat things about me.

Like….I am more of an introvert than an extrovert, which was highly surprising to me. In the past I always centered myself around people and truly felt I needed people to survive. This is no longer the case. I understand now that it was my intense fear of being alone that drove a more extroverted behavior and not that I was an actual extrovert.

I also learned that I am very creative, intuitive and philosophical a true to form Sagittarius.

As a result of all this work, I really appreciate and even crave my alone/down time so much, I process information differently, I look forward to every moment I spend on my yoga mat and I am actually able to meditate on my own now. I used to think with meditation you had to shut down your brain to the point that no thoughts entered which is impossible and not what is required. Once I got the concept of simply “resting your body and mind” even for 5 minutes, I saw the benefits immediately.

Because of this transition I am a better person. My relationships are stronger and deeper. I have zero tolerance for toxic people and because of this I made a conscious choice to only surround myself with people who I feel good around. Sounds a little selfish, but it isn’t. Life is short and spending it with people who emotionally drain you or continuously take from you is not healthy, for either person. 

Always choose yourself.

The old me used to be busy constantly, planning my weekends in advance and making sure I always had a social function to attend or in the very least, people to spend time with. Now, I value my time so much, that I refuse to plan my life away. Some things are avoidable and there are times you need to plan things in advance. But my weekends are my time and most of the time I don’t know what I want to do until I tackle the day and sometimes I just want to do my own thing with no responsibilities or commitments and I want that flexibility to decide. This is OK!

Through this amazing transformation I have learned who I am as a person, a mother, friend, co-worker, employee and person of society and I truly like who I am. There are things I am working on and things that will not change that I have to accept about myself, but overall I am the healthiest I have ever been. I am grateful to have had this time to find me.

So, I encourage you to ask yourself…who are you? do you like you? and what would you change if you could?

Namaste’

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Be who you wish to meet!

Would you date yourself?

I have been empowering myself the past few days to really figure out who I am, what makes me tick, what I want and who I want to spend the rest of my life with.  The message I received is….”would you date yourself?”

Chances are, if I don’t want to be with myself, why would anyone else want to be with me.  Right?

Yesterday I was driving to town and I drove by a church, out front it had a sign that said “Be Who You Want to Meet”.  Awesome!  I love when I get messages like that.  They are so blatant but so intimate and personal at the same time.

So many of us ask the Universe for messages and we miss them because we don’t accept these little messages as gifts from the Universe, but that is what they are.

After talking to a friend about some personal goals I am trying to achieve, I told him about my question…would I date myself.  He found this intriguing, as do I.

So I asked myself the question and the answer is private so I will not be sharing in this post – but let me just say, once you ask yourself this question, it prompts more questions and is very helpful with self discovery.

This simple question can lead to so many other questions that can then guide you to discover what areas you need to focus on to further develop yourself.

So, today I empower you to ask yourself…”would I date me”???

And then explore the why’s of yes and no…and focus on the positive not just the negative.

For example you might say, “yes of course I would date myself!” with sheer confidence..like, “duh, why wouldn’t I, that’s just silly!”

Ok, yes, you are awesome and you would date yourself, now tell yourself why, maybe list all the reasons. (i.e. I am super smart, funny, a lot of fun to be with, spontaneous, good looking, etc).    Then ask yourself….would you date yourself for an extended period of time?  would you marry yourself?  are there things that would annoy you and if so, what are they? what do you see as a problem area if you were to date or marry yourself (i.e. are you stubborn, a poor communicator, selfish, a bad listener, can’t compromise, etc.”)

What a fantastic way to discover – (a) why you are able to attract but not sustain a partner (b) not attract a partner at all (c) or why you aren’t able to commit (d) why you are fantastic at long term relationships, etc.

We are all unique and have our own relationship successes and struggles.  Sometimes we know people who are super lucky and seem to have no issues with relationships and we also know people who can’t seem to get it right, ever (this was me).

They say what you focus on and where you put your energy is what you are manifesting.  So, when you want to change career fields what do you do?  you educate yourself, study, take courses, get certified etc.  Then you start looking for the job, putting your feelers out, creating an amazing resume and then go online and apply for jobs.  Therein starts the manifestation process.  You are now focusing your energy on this new “thing” you desire and that is how to manifest what you want.

Same goes for a relationship.  You attract, what you are.  You spend your energy on the wrong people, that is what you will continuously attract.

If you are in a place of emotional unavailability..guess what you will manifest and draw to you?  yep, someone who is also emotionally unavailable.  Its really that simple.

It is not rocket science and the law of attraction is not hokey.  Think about it, ever have a bad day, you spill coffee on yourself and you get angry, then you get in the car and you are out of gas so you get even angrier then you get to work and you spill water all over your keyboard (yes all of this has happened to me).

The lesson here is, the more you feed that negative energy the more you will attract it.

If you simply, breathe…change your shirt or pants, and do not allow negative energy to take over, then you can carry on with your day.  Even if you are out of gas…ok, go to gas station and fill the tank and again, carry on with your day.  Leave all that negative energy behind.  Otherwise you will have an entire day filled with negative things happening.

You can also turn negative things around and make them positive.  The power really does live inside of you.

I digress.

So be who you want to meet.  Such a simple concept but so powerful at the same time.

Namaste

 

 

 

The Mirror

Did you know that the people you surround yourself with are reflections of certain parts of yourself (ironically they are usually the parts you don’t quite like).

These people are your “mirror”.

What does this mean?

Quite simply, we attract what we are (or ourselves). Ever notice something irritating or infuriating about someone…could be your child, friend or your spouse?  Well, most likely you see something in them that you don’t like about yourself. They have a quality that you recognize and focus on that is something you wish to change about you.

Interesting concept huh?

There are those of us who are subconsciously reliving our youth traumas which contribute to our fears, anxieties, drama’s etc.  We are attracting those people, by our own design, so that they reflect the same dysfunctions in us by bringing them to the surface.  It’s like looking in the mirror and not liking what we see (emotionally).

As yourself these questions:

  1. Do you attract emotionally unavailable partners that are non-committal in relationships?
  2. Do you constantly focus on the relationships you can’t have without exploring why you are not attracting men/women who ARE available?
  3. Are you attracted to married women/men?
  4. Do you attract men/women who need “fixing”?
  5. Are you a magnet for negative people and gossip?
  6. Do you continuously have drama and dysfunction in your life?

If any of these scenario’s sounds familiar you need to explore deeply and ask yourself:

  1.  Am I emotionally available and able to commit to a healthy relationship?
  2.  Are there parts of me that need fixing that I am avoiding (old wounds) which is why I focus on him/her vs. myself?
  3.  Am I subconsciously working through childhood trauma (i.e. abandonment) by chasing unavailable partners?
  4.  Am I trying to protect myself therefor I attract which that which I cannot have?
  5. Am I part of the problem?
  6. Do I attract drama because of my own negativity? (drama can’t live unless you feed it)

Simply put, if you want to attract healthy people into your life.  If you desire healthy friendships and relationships (i.e. lovers, family, co-workers, etc.) then you yourself need to be healthy.

Remember people will treat you how you allow them to. This is usually a direct reflection of how you feel about and treat yourself. When you value yourself and love yourself there is no way you would let someone treat you bad or disrespect you.

If you take the time to work on yourself (self love/care) not only will you feel AMAZING but you will attract healthier people into your life and have deeper more meaningful relationships.

Start today with focusing on yourself..look in your own mirror and decide what part of you is attracting toxic people.

Remember, people will always show you who they are – believe them the first time.

Namaste

If you are interested in one on one coaching please click contact us.

expectations, do you have them?

I am 45 years old and have recently discovered something that was missing from my life, yep, you guessed it, expectations.

Despite having one too many expectations of myself (yes, this is the curse of being an over-achiever) I virtually had no expectations of others in my life.  I am currently working on this.

In my personal relationships especially is where I lack. I had this notion that I had to be absolutely perfect and self sufficient otherwise I was not lovable.  Only problem is, when you are too busy trying to be perfect, which is impossible, you are also setting unrealistic expectations on the other side which leaves no room for vulnerability or the ability to just be yourself.

Also, when you have no expectations of a partner, you give and give and receive nothing in return which is exactly how you structure things.  You have designed your relationship this way, for whatever reason, maybe for control and safety?   However, existing like this, is completely one sided and can be quite lonely.  When you give and do not receive anything back, you are basically the only contributor to a one sided relationship.  This can wear on your soul, over time.

You may tell yourself that you are happy with things this way, by existing this way you think you have some sort of control because you rely on him or her for nothing. However, all you have done is isolate yourself in a one sided and empty relationship.  This does catch up with you!  Over time feelings of resentment creep in.  Truly at no fault to your partner, as you taught him or her early on that this is what you would accept.

Nothing.

This is fear based behavior.  When you live in a place of fear you are constantly afraid of losing something.  In my case, my biggest fear was if he knows I am not perfect, he will leave.

How sad is that thought process!  No one is perfect, not even a little.

So I am on this amazing Journey of preparing myself for a healthy and happy relationship and my next step is setting boundaries and expectations knowing what I really want and expect from a relationship and partner.

Truth be told, this is kind of fun for me.  I love healing work.

Below I have listed a few of my expectations of a relationship, some are quite simple (see if any resonate with you):

  1. Emotional maturity and availability
  2. Loyalty
  3. Support (this one is HUGE for me)
  4. Guidance/Teaching
  5. Patience
  6. Affection
  7. Respect
  8. Fun
  9. Love
  10. Vulnerability
  11. Intimacy

There are more, but this is a good start.  I don’t think I have experienced even ONE of these in the 19 years of relationships I was in.  Maybe “fun”, but only at the expense of my integrity and morals sometimes.  There was always a cost.

So I empower you to ask yourself – do you have expectations of the important people in your life?  Your husband, boyfriend, children, co-workers, boss?  If not, start thinking about what you want those expectations to be and jot them down.

I am also working on this in my professional life.  What are the expectations I have of myself that are realistic, of my staff, my co-workers, my boss and the Company as a whole.

We really do teach people how we want to be treated.  If we allow certain behaviors we are telling them that its OK.  If we don’t accept certain behaviors, we are training people to treat us the way we deserve.

Some of this stuff is so simple you almost can’t believe it takes so long to “get it’.

Would love to hear from you if you are in the process of setting boundaries and expectations for yourself and others.

Namaste

As always, please contact us if you would like to set up a coaching appointment.  I would love to work with you on setting your expectations.

– what is it that you need from a relationship? –

Whether you have initiated the break up or have been broken up with it’s important to understand the lesson you are supposed to learn from the experience.

It’s so easy to focus or dwell on the good times and the things that you miss about the relationship but it is important to recognize what you didn’t get from the relationship as well.

There is a saying, a popular one that states when one door closes another one opens.  I believe in this.  Think of it this way, the door is closing for a reason and once you determine what that reason is, it can open you up to so many possibilities.

The other piece of this is, some people are just not meant to be together long term.  There may have been a short term compatibility but people do change and grow over time.  Basically because we do not stay the same person throughout our lifetime (thank God).  With that, our needs and interests change as well, drawing us to new people and experiences.

Since I am on my own personal Journey I figured I would share my list of non-negotiable’s with you in hopes that you will draft up your own list and start focusing on what you need vs. what you have lost 🙂

Here are the basic things I need from a healthy relationship, that he could not give me:

  1. Trust
  2. Respect
  3. Honesty
  4. Humility
  5. Appreciation
  6. Healthy love
  7. Patience
  8. Support
  9. Truth, always, no matter how it hurts
  10. Honest communication
  11. Conflict resolution
  12. Comprimise

In my opinion they are as basic as it gets.  There are others, but they fall into another category meant for another blog.

Basic needs sometimes are the hardest to have filled.  If you ever talk to someone who is in a toxic relationship they will tell you all the reasons why they are together but you learn right away their basic needs are not being met.

It has taken me nearly two years to understand that these simple and basic needs, I deserve to have them met.

Everyone deserves to have someone appreciate them, support them, communicate honestly with them, to be respected, told the truth.

I ask myself often, why would I ever accept less than this?

You cannot possibly respect yourself if you are willing to tolerate someone emotionally abusing you.  Even if they are not consciously doing it, by not treating you with respect and by not being honest with you or supporting you, they are emotionally abusing you.

This type of abuse comes in many forms that are sometimes not even recognized (i.e. talking down to you, name calling, gas lighting, crazy making, lying lying and more lying.)  Its all emotional abuse.  But this is a topic for another blog, at another time.

I digress 🙂

So as I stated before I went off on my tangent, it is important to look at why the relationship didn’t work out vs. remembering all the good times and wishing you were still together.

I read a study recently about memories and how our brains recall them, here is an excerpt:

“instead of remembering the actual memory, you’re recalling the memory of the last time you remembered it and any mistakes that might have been introduced there. Like a game of human telephone, those mistakes can build on one another over time, leaving out details and introducing mistakes.”

“a memory is not simply an image produced by time traveling back to the original event—it can be an image that is somewhat distorted because of the prior times you remembered it,”

“your memory of an event can grow less precise even to the point of being totally false with each retrieval.”

So this is why it is important that we do not live in the past and we stay in the moment as much as we can because our memories are not exactly a true depiction of what actually happened.

So break out your journal and draft a list of YOUR non-negotiable’s in a relationship.  Start with the basics like I did and then move towards specifics.

Dig deep…you find so much when you do.

Love, light and happiness always

-A

 

 

 

 

 

– be what you wish to attract –

Today is my mental – day one – in manifesting my most precious desire (notice I didn’t say..need) – a healthy, supportive and loving relationship.

For so long, like ever, I have attracted and engaged in very unhealthy relationships and yes by now we all know why…I had not healed my childhood wounds and I was completely re-enacting my childhood trauma (the horrible relationship with my father – yep “daddy issues”) by choosing these completely unavailable and unhealthy men to play the part so I could continuously try to heal my inner child stuff.

Well that tactic failed and might I say miserably so after this last traumatic episode I chose to heal those wounds once and for all.

Thanks to EMDR and a number of other healing modalities I have made it over the bridge and feel like a totally and completely different person.  In fact I know I am a different person because I hear that statement all the time.

It feels good to know that I am no longer living as that little wounded girl and I have come to peace with many things including forgiving myself for some really bad choices.

We all make mistakes, the goal is to learn from them and move on without repeating them.

Sometimes it takes something MASSIVE to happen that shakes us and spits us on out the sidewalk for us to finally get that things have to change.  Thankfully there is always time for change, no matter how old you are.

So now that I am living in the calm, as I like to call it….I am feeling like that next step in life would be to have what I have NEVER experienced and that would be a healthy loving and supportive relationship with someone who is completely capable.

WHAT A CONCEPT HUH?

So it took a series of steps to get here. Starting with breaking away from the narcissist and removing any and all toxic & unhealthy people from my life.  BRILLIANT DECISION!

Everything after that just fell into place.

So here is what I have learned:

  1.  Self love is for real and it’s awesome.  This is the FIRST and most critical step to manifesting someone healthy and capable.  If you want more info on this see my many self love posts in this blog.
  2. Be whatever it is you want to manifest.  You want someone healthy, you have to be healthy yourself, you want someone honest and loyal, be that.  You want someone interested in fitness…workout and take care of yourself.  You want someone who is emotionally available..you have to BE emotionally available and capable of intimacy.  It’s THAT FREAKIN SIMPLE.
  3. Do not settle.  Period.
  4. Make room for him/her.  Do not keep yourself so busy (one version of void filling) that you don’t have time for someone to come into your life.
  5. Be clear on the type of person you wish to share your life with.  After self love this is the most critical.  You don’t have to be too specific but know what you want in a person.  This is key in manifesting the right person.
  6. Be patient and trust in the process.  The Universe is always listening.  Sometimes we confuse her.  If one moment we are longing for love and the next minute we keep ourselves so busy we close ourselves off…she won’t know what to make of it.  Be clear.
  7. Know that what you get isn’t always what you envision but trust the Universe knows what is right for you.  Sometimes it can come in a different package than we had constructed in our minds.  That is OK.
  8. Enjoy your life.  You do not have to scour tinder and match to find your partner.  Sometimes you can just be doing something you love and they will walk into your world.  Embrace it.

Remember, being single and happy is better than being in a relationship and being miserable.  I learned this the hard way.

If your goal is to manifest someone wonderful, I encourage you to take these steps.

Good luck and enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

You may be the emotionally unavailable one, here’s why!

We have all dated that person, the one that is never quite ready for a commitment (with you).  They drive you to the brink of insanity and then pull you back with incredible passion that you have never experienced before.  They bring out a side to you that you didn’t know you had in you.  They are truly magical.

They keep you on your toes, as you wait with baited breath for every text, phone call and an eventual date.  Every date is magical…leaving you wanting more and more and when the date is over, its drama city…tears, anxiety, sadness, confusion, wondering when and if you are going to see them again.

They aren’t ready to give themselves up to you, however they have no problem spending all their time with you, having sex with you, sleeping over, eating your food, going on vacation with you, and everything else couples do…without the commitment and -oh  yeah – no monogamy.  They are using you.  Whether its for money, sex, validation, attention, a place to crash, someone to fill their voids, someone who keeps them from being alone (with themselves), a person to chill with until someone better comes along.  Whatever it is they need you are giving it to them and therefore they are using you.

Yet we believe in our souls that if we morph into exactly what they want you us to be, they will love us.  So we spend all our energy on making them happy, trying to make them love us (and they don’t), chasing them when they run and convincing them how amazing we are (they see it, they just don’t care).  Until one day you wake up and grasp that years have gone by and you realize that no matter what you do…they will not love you, they do not want you or what you want (or say you want), and yes, they have been using you.

So…you finally pull away and say you can’t do this anymore, that there is nothing left of your self esteem and you are tired of giving so much of yourself and receiving nothing in return….oh boy, look out….they WILL come back in full force (and this is not a good thing).  They will promise you the world…the stars…their soul…as long as you don’t leave them.   They love you, they will start respecting you more, they will spend more time with you, they realize how much they don’t want to live without you.  Amazing huh?  Wow, this is everything you ever wanted to hear –  you just wanted him to just realize how amazing you are and to see your value, to want you the way you want them.

You are ecstatic, and without any thought process you immediately take them back – with no boundaries in place, no making them prove themselves, no slow ease back into it..just as quickly as he came back after you, you go running back.

Ugh…MISTAKE!

Surprise, nothing has changed.  They were good for a little while, they showed you a little more attention, but ultimately they didn’t change.  Why?  Because people don’t change unless they want to and they can’t without doing the work.  They came running back to you because they just didn’t want to lose their security blanket (yes that is what you were).  You see, they fear abandonment as well.  So as much as they don’t want to commit to you, they don’t want to lose you either.  Its really all just a sad and lonely cycle of avoiding abandonment.

However, the good news is that eventually the cycle does end (if you are lucky) – leaving you exhausted, with them moving on to another person who is just like you (a door mat) –  leaving you in a heap on the floor.  You cry, wish for another day with them, begging God for them to love you, because if they did your life would be complete.  They are what makes life magical and worth living.

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

Newsflash!!

They are your mirror, its that simple.  You have played the emotional unavailability dance and its time for the music to stop.  Its time to figure out why you too are emotionally unavailable and more vested in chasing men who don’t want you vs. finding out why you don’t really want them either.

Thankfully it is possible to end this cycle forever, abandon this dance and move towards a healthy and balanced relationship with an emotionally available person but ONLY when YOU become emotionally available yourself.

My dear this isn’t just about them…this is about you too.

So here are some ways to start becoming emotionally available and start healing so you can seek and find a fabulous and stable relationship with someone who is available to you.

  1. Figure out your biggest fears!  What is holding you back? – whether its fear of getting hurt, abandonment (most likely), being vulnerable, fear of engulfment, giving up your own space, whatever it is…identify it.
  2. Once you have identified it, write about it in your journal! – where did this fear come from?  childhood? when did you first notice this fear?  write down every detail in your journal.  once its identified and “out there” its much easier to work towards a resolution.
  3. Finding a resolution – depending on what your fears and issues are you may need to seek a therapist, counselor or life coach to work towards resolving these issues.
  4. Let go of people who have hurt you in the past – understand that getting hurt is a part of life – painful experiences are what teach us our biggest lessons so we can grow and learn to heal those parts of us that are holding on.  let them go and yes, forgive.
  5. Think about your favorite people and write in your journal what you like about each and every one of them –  after you have done this, send each of them a text and let them know you are grateful for their presence in your life.
  6. Next, write down your favorite things about you – for some people this will be an easy exercise and for others this will be very difficult.  this exercise can help you identify how you view yourself – and as you know, how you see yourself is how others see you as well.  what you put out into the Universe is what is coming back to you – full circle.
  7. Let go of your emotional addictions (I call them void fillers) – the over eating, the smoking, too much drinking, drugs, social media, sex, porn etc.  these are not helping you in any way.  learn to sit with your feelings, with yourself and be comfortable with them.  this takes lots of practice, its uncomfortable and surely there will be a lot of tears and moments where you want to give up.  don’t.  learning to sit with your feelings is the biggest step to healing and best way to avoid starting a new cycle of emotional unavailability in another person – just to avoid feeling.
  8. Give your time, money, love and support to others who need it – there are so many people out there who are struggling.  it feels good to help people, in any way, whether its to volunteer, donate money or household items.  this is a great way to show gratitude for what you do have by giving to others that don’t have anything.
  9. Find yourself – you spent countless hours, months and even years catering to someone who didn’t see your value (this is because you don’t see your value).  spend less time trying to find a man or woman to fill your void and validate you and more time figuring  out who you are, what you want from life, and what makes you happy.  when you do this, you will figure out what type of person you should have in your life and no longer will you accept someone who is not right for you, let alone chase them to make them see how great you are.  you won’t need that.
  10. Love yourself – after you figure out who you are, treat yourself well.  treat yourself and love yourself the way you want to be treated and loved.  the saying really is true, how can someone love you and respect you if you don’t respect yourself.  they can’t and they won’t.  once you start loving yourself, it becomes a wonderful and  healthy addiction.  you won’t settle for less.  I promise.

Emotionally unavailability is an invisible shield meant to protect us from hurt.  The sad part is, it doesn’t protect us at all, it makes things worse.

Remove that invisible shield and start working on yourself today.  If you would like to work with a coach to help you on this new Journey of emotional availability, contact us today.

-A