How to move forward gracefully after a divorce

Nov 16, 2018

Divorce, and break-ups in general are very difficult to process and move on from. For many reasons, separating from someone we love leaves us feeling lost and desperate for answers. Many times we blame ourselves in hopes that if we take ownership of the breakup we can then fix it and not have to suffer with this pain any longer.

The pain can be so deep that it triggers other emotional issues inside us, ones that we thought we buried and would never see again. Sometimes break-ups are the Universes’ way of getting us to deal with our issues instead of filling voids and living the day to day as if these issues do not exist. That’s called denial.

Being divorced twice and losing both husbands in a similar and pretty traumatic way I realized the Universe was sending me a message…it was the same message both times and this time I listened.

Below are my simple tips of letting go and moving on after a divorce (or breakup):

Let yourself go through the stages of grief/loss – A divorce or breakup of a significant relationship is quite similar to a death. In order to move forward you must go through the stages of grief. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance and they are a critical part of the framework that makes up our learning to live without the one we lost. They help us to gain the tools we need to help us identify what we may be feeling, however there is no exact timeline when it comes to the healing process and you may bounce around from grief to anger and back to denial before you hit acceptance. Healing is not linear.
Accept that healing takes time – As I stated, there is no time table and healing is not linear. Just know, you are where you are meant to be, healing. The more difficult the relationship and break up the harder the hit is to your body, mind and soul. You need to be compassionate with yourself and accept that it can take years to recover and that is OK! Honor yourself and where you are at, at every moment.
Allow yourself time to heal – solo – Fix yourself and heal first before bringing someone else into your world otherwise you risk repeating the same patterns until you have learned the lesson you were meant to learn – the Universe is speaking to you so listen. The only way over it, is through it.
Do not fill voids by immediately trying to replace your ex – Believe it or not, you are not ready for a new relationship! By jumping in to a new relationship, you are trying to fill a void to escape from hurt, that never works, it delays the healing process and puts other people at risk for heartbreak.
Allow yourself to feel anger, fear and sorrow – These feelings are normal and are part of the healing process. Feel every feeling until you are numb to it. Stuffing your feelings does not work, facing them head on speeds up the healing process.
Fill your life with interests and activities – Now is the time to try something new (new hobby, take a class, start an exercise routine), make new friends, and start some Keystone Habits (see my blog on Improve your life with these simple Keystone Habits). This creates a full and satisfying life. Become a better version of yourself!
Make peace with your loss and try to forgive – If you focus too much on the loss and don’t let go of the story you will not get to acceptance and you will prolong the healing process. There is a lesson in all this, take the time to learn what it is.
Let go of the story – Yes it was traumatic – yes you are in pain – yes you miss him or her – but if you do not let go of the story and make peace with what happened and why it happened you will delay creating a new and better story, one that doesn’t involve a traumatic breakup. Learn the lesson and move forward.
Make time for yourself and figure out who you are as a person – I imagine you have spent a majority of time focused on your relationship and your significant other. Now it is time to focus on yourself and figure out who you are and what makes you tick. Fall in love with yourself!
If you want to find a happy, nurturing, compassionate relationship, look for those qualities inside yourself – Do you have those same qualities you are looking for in another person? Remember … you are holding up your mirror so be who you wish to meet! Its that simple.

Once you change your mindset from loss to opportunity, the healing process will be a much easier Journey to the next story of your new and wonderful life.

Namaste’

Please share this with others who you think will benefit from this article.

– what is it that you need from a relationship? –

Aug 5, 2018

Whether you have initiated the break up or have been broken up with it’s important to understand the lesson you are supposed to learn from the experience.

It’s so easy to focus or dwell on the good times and the things that you miss about the relationship but it is important to recognize what you didn’t get from the relationship as well.

There is a saying, a popular one that states when one door closes another one opens. I believe in this. Think of it this way, the door is closing for a reason and once you determine what that reason is, it can open you up to so many possibilities.

The other piece of this is, some people are just not meant to be together long term. There may have been a short term compatibility but people do change and grow over time. Basically because we do not stay the same person throughout our lifetime (thank God). With that, our needs and interests change as well, drawing us to new people and experiences.

Since I am on my own personal Journey I figured I would share my list of non-negotiable’s with you in hopes that you will draft up your own list and start focusing on what you need vs. what you have lost 🙂

Here are the basic things I need from a healthy relationship, that he could not give me:

Trust
Respect
Honesty
Humility
Appreciation
Healthy love
Patience
Support
Truth, always, no matter how it hurts
Honest communication
Conflict resolution
Comprimise

In my opinion they are as basic as it gets. There are others, but they fall into another category meant for another blog.

Basic needs sometimes are the hardest to have filled. If you ever talk to someone who is in a toxic relationship they will tell you all the reasons why they are together but you learn right away their basic needs are not being met.

It has taken me nearly two years to understand that these simple and basic needs, I deserve to have them met.

Everyone deserves to have someone appreciate them, support them, communicate honestly with them, to be respected, told the truth.

I ask myself often, why would I ever accept less than this?

You cannot possibly respect yourself if you are willing to tolerate someone emotionally abusing you. Even if they are not consciously doing it, by not treating you with respect and by not being honest with you or supporting you, they are emotionally abusing you.

This type of abuse comes in many forms that are sometimes not even recognized (i.e. talking down to you, name calling, gas lighting, crazy making, lying lying and more lying.) Its all emotional abuse. But this is a topic for another blog, at another time.

I digress 🙂

So as I stated before I went off on my tangent, it is important to look at why the relationship didn’t work out vs. remembering all the good times and wishing you were still together.

I read a study recently about memories and how our brains recall them, here is an excerpt:

“instead of remembering the actual memory, you’re recalling the memory of the last time you remembered it and any mistakes that might have been introduced there. Like a game of human telephone, those mistakes can build on one another over time, leaving out details and introducing mistakes.”

“a memory is not simply an image produced by time traveling back to the original event—it can be an image that is somewhat distorted because of the prior times you remembered it,”

“your memory of an event can grow less precise even to the point of being totally false with each retrieval.”

So this is why it is important that we do not live in the past and we stay in the moment as much as we can because our memories are not exactly a true depiction of what actually happened.

So break out your journal and draft a list of YOUR non-negotiable’s in a relationship. Start with the basics like I did and then move towards specifics.

Dig deep…you find so much when you do.

Love, light and happiness always

-A

You may be the emotionally unavailable one, here’s why!

Jul 28, 2018

We have all dated that person, the one that is never quite ready for a commitment (with you). They drive you to the brink of insanity and then pull you back with incredible passion that you have never experienced before. They bring out a side to you that you didn’t know you had in you. They are truly magical.

They keep you on your toes, as you wait with baited breath for every text, phone call and an eventual date. Every date is magical…leaving you wanting more and more and when the date is over, its drama city…tears, anxiety, sadness, confusion, wondering when and if you are going to see them again.

They aren’t ready to give themselves up to you, however they have no problem spending all their time with you, having sex with you, sleeping over, eating your food, going on vacation with you, and everything else couples do…without the commitment and -oh yeah – no monogamy. They are using you. Whether its for money, sex, validation, attention, a place to crash, someone to fill their voids, someone who keeps them from being alone (with themselves), a person to chill with until someone better comes along. Whatever it is they need you are giving it to them and therefore they are using you.

Yet we believe in our souls that if we morph into exactly what they want you us to be, they will love us. So we spend all our energy on making them happy, trying to make them love us (and they don’t), chasing them when they run and convincing them how amazing we are (they see it, they just don’t care). Until one day you wake up and grasp that years have gone by and you realize that no matter what you do…they will not love you, they do not want you or what you want (or say you want), and yes, they have been using you.

So…you finally pull away and say you can’t do this anymore, that there is nothing left of your self esteem and you are tired of giving so much of yourself and receiving nothing in return….oh boy, look out….they WILL come back in full force (and this is not a good thing). They will promise you the world…the stars…their soul…as long as you don’t leave them. They love you, they will start respecting you more, they will spend more time with you, they realize how much they don’t want to live without you. Amazing huh? Wow, this is everything you ever wanted to hear – you just wanted him to just realize how amazing you are and to see your value, to want you the way you want them.

You are ecstatic, and without any thought process you immediately take them back – with no boundaries in place, no making them prove themselves, no slow ease back into it..just as quickly as he came back after you, you go running back.

Ugh…MISTAKE!

Surprise, nothing has changed. They were good for a little while, they showed you a little more attention, but ultimately they didn’t change. Why? Because people don’t change unless they want to and they can’t without doing the work. They came running back to you because they just didn’t want to lose their security blanket (yes that is what you were). You see, they fear abandonment as well. So as much as they don’t want to commit to you, they don’t want to lose you either. Its really all just a sad and lonely cycle of avoiding abandonment.

However, the good news is that eventually the cycle does end (if you are lucky) – leaving you exhausted, with them moving on to another person who is just like you (a door mat) – leaving you in a heap on the floor. You cry, wish for another day with them, begging God for them to love you, because if they did your life would be complete. They are what makes life magical and worth living.

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

Newsflash!!

They are your mirror, its that simple. You have played the emotional unavailability dance and its time for the music to stop. Its time to figure out why you too are emotionally unavailable and more vested in chasing men who don’t want you vs. finding out why you don’t really want them either.

Thankfully it is possible to end this cycle forever, abandon this dance and move towards a healthy and balanced relationship with an emotionally available person but ONLY when YOU become emotionally available yourself.

My dear this isn’t just about them…this is about you too.

So here are some ways to start becoming emotionally available and start healing so you can seek and find a fabulous and stable relationship with someone who is available to you.

Figure out your biggest fears! What is holding you back? – whether its fear of getting hurt, abandonment (most likely), being vulnerable, fear of engulfment, giving up your own space, whatever it is…identify it.
Once you have identified it, write about it in your journal! – where did this fear come from? childhood? when did you first notice this fear? write down every detail in your journal. once its identified and “out there” its much easier to work towards a resolution.
Finding a resolution – depending on what your fears and issues are you may need to seek a therapist, counselor or life coach to work towards resolving these issues.
Let go of people who have hurt you in the past – understand that getting hurt is a part of life – painful experiences are what teach us our biggest lessons so we can grow and learn to heal those parts of us that are holding on. let them go and yes, forgive.
Think about your favorite people and write in your journal what you like about each and every one of them – after you have done this, send each of them a text and let them know you are grateful for their presence in your life.
Next, write down your favorite things about you – for some people this will be an easy exercise and for others this will be very difficult. this exercise can help you identify how you view yourself – and as you know, how you see yourself is how others see you as well. what you put out into the Universe is what is coming back to you – full circle.
Let go of your emotional addictions (I call them void fillers) – the over eating, the smoking, too much drinking, drugs, social media, sex, porn etc. these are not helping you in any way. learn to sit with your feelings, with yourself and be comfortable with them. this takes lots of practice, its uncomfortable and surely there will be a lot of tears and moments where you want to give up. don’t. learning to sit with your feelings is the biggest step to healing and best way to avoid starting a new cycle of emotional unavailability in another person – just to avoid feeling.
Give your time, money, love and support to others who need it – there are so many people out there who are struggling. it feels good to help people, in any way, whether its to volunteer, donate money or household items. this is a great way to show gratitude for what you do have by giving to others that don’t have anything.
Find yourself – you spent countless hours, months and even years catering to someone who didn’t see your value (this is because you don’t see your value). spend less time trying to find a man or woman to fill your void and validate you and more time figuring out who you are, what you want from life, and what makes you happy. when you do this, you will figure out what type of person you should have in your life and no longer will you accept someone who is not right for you, let alone chase them to make them see how great you are. you won’t need that.
Love yourself – after you figure out who you are, treat yourself well. treat yourself and love yourself the way you want to be treated and loved. the saying really is true, how can someone love you and respect you if you don’t respect yourself. they can’t and they won’t. once you start loving yourself, it becomes a wonderful and healthy addiction. you won’t settle for less. I promise.

Emotionally unavailability is an invisible shield meant to protect us from hurt. The sad part is, it doesn’t protect us at all, it makes things worse.

Remove that invisible shield and start working on yourself today. If you would like to work with a coach to help you on this new Journey of emotional availability, contact us today.

-A

Letting go and finding you

Apr 15, 2018

Letting go is probably the easiest thing to say but the hardest thing in life to do. Letting go involves so many different emotions…but mainly, fear.

We hang on tight to whatever it is that owns us because we are afraid to trust ourselves, the Universe and God to catch us as we inevitably fall. There is a release when we let go which can be exciting and terrifying at the same time. Sometimes we are ready for it, but its letting go of that last grip that paralyzes us.

We know its time, we have known for a while, but knowing and doing are so different. When you finally let go, its over. Then what? Its time for your next journey! There is no more waiting for something to change or get better. You have surrendered to the fact that that which you let go of, will no longer will be.

Letting go is a process which involves self discovery and it can be a long one, so it is incredibly important to honor yourself during this time. You need to feel whatever feelings come up and do not push them away for another time (because I promise, they will return). Feel them and then let them go. Honor what you need at that moment. Do you need to isolate? do you need support? do you need to work with a counselor? It is important that you give yourself whatever it is you need at the time to be able to move forward with letting go and not jump backwards trying to preserve yourself.

Please know that friends will not always come with you…letting go of one thing may cause a trickle down effect that may cause you to let go other things along the way (been there, done that). You may find, as you go along your beautiful journey that some people and circumstances may no longer serve you on this new path that you have carved for yourself. That is OK, let them go. You can love them as you always have but you acknowledge that they no longer serve your Highest Self.

Now its time to find you (this is the exciting part)!

Now that you have let go of what was weighing you down and holding you back, let’s explore:

Who are you?

What excites you?

What emotions do you feel after letting go?

What does a blank slate look like to you?

Where are you struggling with the most?

Start journaling your thoughts and feelings, daily, or even multiple times a day (I carry a journal with me). Documenting your journey is the best way to (a) gage progress (b) understanding who you were vs. who you are today (c) see where you are headed and what your road blocks are.

There are many reasons to hold on but even more reasons to let go. Letting go releases those binds that hold us to things that are not good for us. Letting go truly does open the door for so much good to enter.

If you close a door, a window will open, trust me, I say this from experience.

Letting go is a painful lesson on life’s journey but the rewards once you get to the other side are amazing.

~Peace~Love~Light~

Avesha

The Empowered Soul

Apr 7, 2018

What is the definition of “Empowerment”?

Empowerment Means:

The process of becoming stronger & more confident.
Gaining or claiming control of your life and your rights.
Being more assertive and powerful in your personal and professional life.
Going after what you desire and feeling you deserve it.
Trusting your intuition to make good decisions.

What does it mean to be Empowered?

This is solely up to you.

Each person defines Empowerment differently as it pertains to their own goals and what they are looking to achieve.

I am requesting that you to dig deep here and ask yourself – “how do I want & what do I need to be Empowered?”

(personal exercise: what does empowerment mean to you? – please write this down in your journal – be descriptive – this is the first step in the empowerment process)

What Empowerment means, in the words of some beautiful women

Strength, wisdom, independence
Living in the now & being at peace with my complexities
Being my best self
The ability to take all of life’s challenges & rise just how we are
Feeling in control of your life
Being able to make decisions & have options
Self care and a loving relationship with yourself
Feeling free to be yourself without worrying about what someone else might think
Having the strength to recognize and travel my own path and not the path others would lay out for me
Supporting yourself, and those around you, to provide the confidence needed to voice feelings and take action
Having the confidence to say no or walk away from a toxic or unhealthy situation
Setting boundaries

How to become Empowered

Below are a number of suggestions on how to Empower yourself to be more confident, self-assured, powerful and more importantly to trust your intuition.

There is no timeline on how long it takes to become empowered, but the key is to be consistent and to always be working on yourself!

Remember we are all a work in progress!

~Life is an endless process of self discovery~

Exercise, Often

No more using the “I don’t have time” excuse.

Exercise changes our mindset and gives us more confidence (this is a top KeyStone habit) – for more information on Keystone habits visit my website at http://www.aveshaempower.com

Exercise comes in many forms, you do not have to join a gym to start an exercise routine. Here are some examples of ways you can get exercise:

Wake up early and walk your dog (or at night after work)
Start a Yoga, Pilates or a BootCamp or interval training routine (at home or a local studio)
Hop on that treadmill (yep, the one you don’t use)
Walk with friends at lunch (organize a walking group)
Take a hike – this is an amazing grounding or earthing exercise that can truly change your mindset as soon as you enter the forest
Download an exercise app (there are plenty of them to choose from) – ask me and I will recommend a few

Find your inner “bitch”

Yup, I said it, be a bitch!

Honor yourself
Put yourself first (I promise this is not being selfish)
Speak up for yourself and stand up for what you believe in
Say NO whenever it is appropriate
Do NOT tolerate behaviors that are not healthy for you!
Let go of those that do not serve your greatest good

Enjoy being with YOURSELF

Notice I did not use the word, alone?

Why? because you are not alone – unless of course you are living in isolation which I would guarantee you are not.

But in all seriousness you are not alone, you have yourself – and who is better than that? No one!

Get comfy with who you are, enjoy your own company, spend time doing the things you enjoy doing and you will discover a lot about yourself by doing so. Spend some time in nature…enjoy the peacefulness and the beauty of all that surrounds you.

(personal exercise: Grab your journal and go for a hike, find a nice place to rest and write about how you feel. Nature is very grounding! Sit with your thoughts and then write about them)

Say NO and feel good about it!

Everyone, including you, has the right to say no.

So, if there is something you do not want to do or that you are not comfortable with – use your voice!

Say no, confidently, knowing you are honoring yourself.

**Disclaimer: make sure you say no in a non-offensive way…you don’t want to intentionally upset anyone.**

(personal exercise: Grab your journal and think of a scenario where you would like to say No but you don’t – write it down in your journal – how does it make you feel when you thinking of saying no? write that down too)

Try new things!

Seriously, try anything (within reason).

Make a list and check them off one by one (bucket lists).

Examples:

Take a class (art, cooking, photography, pottery)
Try making soap or jewelry
Take up a sport or start exercising – daily
Travel with someone or alone
DIY projects (refinish furniture, paint something)
SUP/Kayak, hiking, get out into nature
Yoga
Create a Meetup Group
Go back to school and take classes

The list is endless really….start making your list right now (journal exercise)

Remove toxic people from your life!

This is probably the most important thing you can do in your life to move forward (and the scariest and the hardest to do).

This includes:

Dramatic people
Negative people
People with opposite morals/values
Time and life suckers
Users
Addicts

Let them go.

If they do not bring you happiness and only cause you stress, anxiety or dread…its time to move on . However, if you cannot remove them from your life, at least set boundaries with them.

(personal exercise: Grab your journal and make a list of those you need to create boundaries with or to remove from your life altogether)

Know and accept your beauty,

inside and out!

Self acceptance and self love is the most critical piece to our self worth!

How we feel about ourselves is how others perceive us.

Remember…the mirror?

Put it this way, if you don’t love you….and I mean all of you, who will?

Ok so your butt is big, your eyes are too small, you are too short or too tall, you could use a few pounds or could lose a few pounds – who cares, no one is perfect. Never compare yourself to anyone! You are unique.

(personal exercise: Grab your journal and write down what makes you loveable? start a list in your journal of at least 7 or more of your most amazing qualities and add to it over time)

Define YOUR own success!

Remember success is specific to you and your unique goals!

Let’s set some obtainable goals BIG & small so you can figure out with your life coach or by yourself how you will reach these goals (i.e. relationship, weight loss, new job, life balance, work, no work, buying a house, raising kids, cars, vacations, school, etc.)

Set time lines (we all do better when we know what is expected of us and some of us work better when we are under pressure).

(personal exercise: Grab your journal and start making a list of obtainable goals and add to it over time)

LOVE& Respect Yourself!

Madly & Unconditionally

Set a daily routine
Sleep at least 7 hours
Eat Healthy & Amazing Foods (work with your coach on this)
Exercise regularly (*yoga, walking, hiking*)
Meditate daily (download the Simple Habit app for guided meditation)
Get a massage or Energy Healing
Spend time with nature (hike, go to the park)
Read a good book or two/LESS SCREEN TIME AND GET OFF FACEBOOK
Spend time with healthy people
Journal
Set KeyStone Habits

(personal exercise: Grab your journal and write down ways you can love yourself more)

Monitor your thoughts, often!

Be conscious of the stories you are telling yourself (do not let your “stories” be defined by anything but your Higher Self)

Let go of the past and create a new story (not just a chapter)! Remember, your past does not define you.

Keep your thoughts positive & motivating (do not ruminate about the past)

(tip: choose to have daily mantras sent to you (there are plenty of apps to choose from, pick one that works best for you)

(personal exercise: Grab your journal write down the thoughts that keep swirling in your mind which are keeping you from being mindful)

~The mind is everything, what you think you become~

Conclusion

Making significant changes in your life and healing from any sort of trauma or bad experiences takes time and Empowering yourself takes lots of work and energy to keep going.

There will be times you want to give up, you won’t see your progress (although others do) and you may even feel its not worth it. Do not stop, ever, by all means, have a down “poor me” day, eat ice cream, wallow in sadness but do not give up.

Wake up the next morning….get on your yoga mat, take a walk, make a smoothie, sing in the shower, do whatever you have to do to motivate and keep going but do NOT give up.

This workshop was created to Empower you to be your Best and Highest Self. I have done the work, I know how hard it is, but once you get to the other side, you will see that its worth it.

Love and Healing Always,

Namaste

Protected: Love shouldn’t hurt

Apr 3, 2018

Gentle

Mar 4, 2018

Gentle is a fantastic word that I feel embraces the magical side of vulnerability.

Gentle….implies patience, grace and class.

Being gentle with yourself means you are honoring where you are…at this moment…without judgment. Simply allowing yourself to feel your feelings.

When you honor yourself and are gentle with yourself you are giving yourself permission to just be. Allowing yourself to be in that moment and feel your feelings truly opens up your soul to healing and your mind to information that can help you on your Journey.

When you judge yourself you are boxing yourself into a space of shame & disappointment with “should have’s” and personal regrets that do not serve a purpose. The goal of life is to learn the lesson and move on, gracefully. Forgiving yourself along the way.

Know that you are exactly where you need to be, always. Simply be & ask yourself what you need at this very moment…love, space, help, advice? Then honor yourself with whatever it is you need and do not shame yourself for feeling and needing, it is all part of the healing process and critical to your development.

Today, at every moment, be gentle with and honor yourself.

Remember, enjoy today, because tomorrow is not promised.