The Mirror

Did you know that the people you surround yourself with are reflections of certain parts of yourself (ironically they are usually the parts you don’t quite like).

These people are your “mirror”.

What does this mean?

Quite simply, we attract what we are (or ourselves). Ever notice something irritating or infuriating about someone…could be your child, friend or your spouse?  Well, most likely you see something in them that you don’t like about yourself. They have a quality that you recognize and focus on that is something you wish to change about you.

Interesting concept huh?

There are those of us who are subconsciously reliving our youth traumas which contribute to our fears, anxieties, drama’s etc.  We are attracting those people, by our own design, so that they reflect the same dysfunctions in us by bringing them to the surface.  It’s like looking in the mirror and not liking what we see (emotionally).

As yourself these questions:

  1. Do you attract emotionally unavailable partners that are non-committal in relationships?
  2. Do you constantly focus on the relationships you can’t have without exploring why you are not attracting men/women who ARE available?
  3. Are you attracted to married women/men?
  4. Do you attract men/women who need “fixing”?
  5. Are you a magnet for negative people and gossip?
  6. Do you continuously have drama and dysfunction in your life?

If any of these scenario’s sounds familiar you need to explore deeply and ask yourself:

  1.  Am I emotionally available and able to commit to a healthy relationship?
  2.  Are there parts of me that need fixing that I am avoiding (old wounds) which is why I focus on him/her vs. myself?
  3.  Am I subconsciously working through childhood trauma (i.e. abandonment) by chasing unavailable partners?
  4.  Am I trying to protect myself therefor I attract which that which I cannot have?
  5. Am I part of the problem?
  6. Do I attract drama because of my own negativity? (drama can’t live unless you feed it)

Simply put, if you want to attract healthy people into your life.  If you desire healthy friendships and relationships (i.e. lovers, family, co-workers, etc.) then you yourself need to be healthy.

Remember people will treat you how you allow them to. This is usually a direct reflection of how you feel about and treat yourself. When you value yourself and love yourself there is no way you would let someone treat you bad or disrespect you.

If you take the time to work on yourself (self love/care) not only will you feel AMAZING but you will attract healthier people into your life and have deeper more meaningful relationships.

Start today with focusing on yourself..look in your own mirror and decide what part of you is attracting toxic people.

Remember, people will always show you who they are – believe them the first time.

Namaste

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The journey begins….

And so it begins….the transformation of my once broken soul to a strong, confident, happy and balanced person.

I was once a very anxious, scared little girl living inside a grown woman’s body.  I cared so much about what others thought of me, I was terrified of making decisions and although I appeared extremely confident on the outside, my insides would scream at me that I was not good enough.

I still feel that way at times.  Insecure and sad, abandoned and scared.  The difference now is that I honor those feelings instead of trying to push them away.

Navigating through childhood “stuff”, loss of significant people in your life, loss of what you perceived as love, recognizing and dealing with bad choices and their consequences are all very heavy burdens to handle.  Not all of us are equipped with the tools to deal with most of these things.  These are the things that can destroy us internally.

However, through my own Phoenix Process – I have learned that if you feel your feelings and don’t try to push them away you will work through them much faster and most of the time they will pass (if you let them).  Holding on to them can feel like you are protecting yourself, like a shield, but the reality is you are only hurting yourself and prolonging your healing.

If you do everything in your power to avoid feeling your feelings…by drinking, over planning your time, drugs, sex, pornography, clinging to relationships..you are prolonging the entire process of healing and actually making things worse.

It takes time to process feelings and avoiding them doesn’t make them go away, unfortunately they get stored in our subconscious and eventually those thoughts and feelings you are trying to avoid come seeping out….through anxiety, depression, nightmares, anger, however your body wants to process them.  There is NO escaping these thoughts and feelings no matter how much you drink, eat, have sex, etc.  They will always be there.

So my advice is to truly feel your feelings….cry until there are no more tears left…and please know that at some point this period of sadness/anxiety will pass and you will feel so much better as you catapult to the next stage of healing.

It is also important to create new good memories which will ultimately replace the older ones that are stuck in your mind.  We tend to cling to what feels good and forget what hurt us in the past.  I assume this is for survival.  However it is not healthy to hang on to the past and focus only on what felt good, just as its not healthy to ruminate about what hurt you.  There comes a point in time, once we have let our feelings seep in, that we have to let go and move on from the past (good and bad) and focus on what is in front of us.

We truly are the director of our own lives and we do have the ability to construct our lives exactly how we want them to be.  With a little time and effort and some real belief in yourself and the Universe, you can live the life you want…within reason.  Set your expectations to a realistic measure and start making better choices that involve self care and self love.  Remove toxic people from your life, think before you act, do not engage in self fulfilling prophecy’s and focus on how you would like to feel.  Everything is about feelings and how things make us feel.  Love is a feeling, sadness is a feeling, happiness is a feeling.  Construct your life in a way that makes you feel good.

But also understand that you will not be happy every single day of your life.  There will be days you question yourself, your friends, your lover and your choices.  That is ok.  How in the world would we be able to recognize things are good if there was no “bad”.  We wouldn’t.  The bad times are what help us appreciate all the good we have.

Write down (right now) about 10 things in your life that you are grateful for and smile as you write them.  Say each thing out loud and say thank you like 2 or 3 times with true gratitude.

I am personally grateful for so many things…my beautiful children, my peaceful and zen home, yoga, Luke (my beautiful and smart Golden), my friendships, peace, food and water, my career and financial stability, my gardens, the earth/nature, travel, amazing coffee.  The list really and truly is endless.

Everyone can list their lack, the things they don’t have, the things they want, the things they miss, but that just creates more lack.  Focusing on what you do have will help you attract more and more wonderful things, even if they aren’t exactly what you want.  The Universe has an incredible way of providing us what we need.

As a survivor of abandonment and trauma I can tell you that the mind is a very powerful thing and it is actually what gets us into trouble 99% of the time.

We literally create most of our own issues by:

  1. focusing on the past and not whats happening in front of us
  2. ruminating – allowing thoughts to run rapid in our minds
  3. not appreciating the things we have and always creating a feeling of lack
  4. not letting go of anger
  5. not dealing with our issues and letting them fester inside us
  6. loving people that are wrong for us and treat us poorly
  7. not valuing ourselves and putting ourselves first
  8. not practicing self love and care
  9. allowing others to define our worth
  10. giving away our power

We do not have to do this, we can gain control of our thoughts (if not fully, partially) and re-direct them back to a positive and happy thought process.  It takes practice and consistency but through yoga, meditation, mindfulness, earthing and grounding and many other wonderful techniques it can be done.

I am finally at a place where I can fully let go of my negative thoughts just by using my tools that I have learned the past two years.

Being able to do this has totally changed my life and it can change yours.

Feel your feelings, let them in and let them go…

Namaste

 

 

Learning to live in the calm

I read a fantastic article the other day that really resonated with me.  The writer was referencing how a lot of us have a difficult time living in the calm, therefore we [subconsciously] create our own drama just so we feel something.

Sometimes, life can be too calm and in that calmness, for those of who have been living on high alert for many many years, waiting for other shoe to drop, walking on egg shells, waiting for someone to hurt us, walk out on us or cheat on us, that calm can feel very empty.  This is because the internal fight or flight response has been our only source of fuel.

Calm….feels…scary!  It represents the unknown, it feels weird and unsettling.  We sit…waiting for something to happen and when it doesn’t….we get confused and feel emptiness inside us, which is very confusing to our psyche.

It’s a sad realization when that feeling of empty washes over us.  We tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel empty, we should feel at peace, but we don’t, not yet.  We will, but it takes time and lots of work on ourselves to allow ourselves to be at peace, to fill that emptiness with things that make us happy, to learn to soothe ourselves in that moment of peace that is so foreign to us.

We have spent too much time living in a chaotic and toxic environment under a big black cloud, and that became our norm.  We knew what to expect, we lived it daily….our norm was their anger, cycling of moods, cheating, discontentment, histrionics, alcohol abuse, temper tantrums, lies, secrecy and depression. Our sole job has been to try to manage this person and their moods while trying to succeed at our own lives….job, parenting, keeping the house, paying the bills and trying to keep everyone…happy.

Exhausting and fucking IMPOSSIBLE!

When we finally decided to leave and save ourselves from the madness that we thought we could handle, over time things finally became calm.  Our space becomes peaceful, there is no black cloud there to invade our space, no one rolling their eyes at us and cutting us down, no one angry at our kids just for existing, no one lying to our face while cheating on us behind your back, no one to take you down a notch..just for fun.  No one to blame us for their poor choices.  Its now just…calm.

Although this is amazing, it is also a complete mind fuck.  The peace and space leaves us  feeling empty.  We have no one to manage but ourselves and it is then that we realize how much energy that person stole from us.  Now we have to figure out what to do with all this free time we have now that this emotional vampire has finally moved on to someone else that they can suck the life out of.

So what should we do with this time?  Well….after the initial shock of realizing we have this time, after the confusion subsides, after the haze disappears….we should ENJOY THIS TIME!

Take a class, do yoga, read, rebuild your relationship with your friends, get a pet, start a blog, get involved in your community, join a meet up group, see a therapist, work with a life coach, but whatever we do….we need to enjoy this time of peace.

What we should NOT DO IS FIND ANOTHER SOUL SUCKING TICK.  That would be the easiest thing to do to fill this time we are not used to having, but its the most devastating thing we could do.

It is time to spend some time with ourselves, create a happy place in our homes, start a garden, go hiking, do whatever it takes to find ourselves!

In time, when we feel we know who we are and what we want, and when we are no longer in danger of finding another emotional vampire….only then can we go back out into the world of dating.

We will know when we are ready….and when we are not.

Until then, find you, love you, honor you and complete you…above all else.

Love, peace, light

 

Journey to Discovering Your Purpose

Your purpose in life can be as simple or as complicated as you require it to be.  You don’t need to aspire to be Beyonce or the Dahli Lama to have a meaningful life purpose.  The only thing you need it to do is fulfill yourself on all levels but mostly your soul level.

Your life’s purpose is solely specific to you.

Some people never figure out their life’s purpose and others think they figure it out and then realize that they were wrong.  I think when you figure it out, when you nail it, you feel it deep down in your soul…like “this is exactly what I was meant for”.

I also truly believe, and this is just me, that we have many different purposes as we cycle through life.  For instance I know one of my life’s purpose is to be a mother to these two boys of mine.  There is nothing in the world I am more proud of and that brings me as much joy as knowing they exist and that I brought them here.

But my purpose doesn’t stop there.

My secondary purpose, and I learned this through my biggest life lesson thus far, is my gift of empowering people (mostly women).  I am not an extreme feminist.  In fact I am quite traditional and believe in the institution of marriage (kind of) and I do believe in relationship “roles”, however, I know that a lot of women struggle with losing themselves in relationships and fall apart when they are not in one.  In addition, there are a lot of women that allow men to take away their spirit and breakdown their esteem to the point of extinction.  These women are fragile, confused, broken and traumatized – I know what this feels like because I was there.

My purpose is to help these women find themselves again.  To find happiness inside themselves and to stop allowing people to take away their peace.  I build them up and make them see their own beauty and help them find their own purpose in this beautiful life that really is so short.

So our purpose is often revealed during the hardest struggles of our lives.  That is why they say “there is beauty in the struggle” because there is.  This is why you must learn the lessons that the Universe wants to teach you, the first time, so you can feel and experience that beauty.

Your life purpose can be to travel, learn different cultures and pass the knowledge on to others through vices like blogging; or your purpose could be to work with animal rescues; or abused women helping them find safety; or to work with children in some capacity.  The options are truly endless.


Identifying your purpose is simple once you start putting a few things into practice:

  1.  Sit with yourself – get quiet – start asking yourself what your soul needs to feel accomplished in this lifetime
  2. Ask yourself, if you were to have a limited time on this earth (which we do) what would you want to do with that time
  3. Start journaling your passions, define them, see how you react as you start writing things down, do you get motivated and excited?

Once you have defined your purpose, start taking action, and once you do…the Universe follows suit and things start falling into place.

 

 

 

Daily post: Vague

via daily post: Vague

I had a vague understanding of what was about to hit me although the timing wasn’t clear to me.

It is crazy how our intuition will guide us if you allow it and ignoring our intuition is what gets us into trouble.

Looking back to that time period, I knew in my heart something wasn’t right.  I had a vague idea of what it was, but I wasn’t allowing myself to be still long enough to get all the information I needed.  The messages I was receiving weren’t clear.  Although my body knew, my soul knew, my heart knew, but my mind simply wasn’t ready.

Then the moment came when the Universe intervened and told me everything I needed to know even though I wasn’t ready to hear it.

It was no longer vague, things were quite clear.  The messages were being received even if I tried to block them.

It was time for my new Chapter.

Letting go and finding you

Letting go is probably the easiest thing to say but the hardest thing in life to do.  Letting go involves so many different emotions…but mainly, fear.

We hang on tight to whatever it is that owns us because we are afraid to trust ourselves, the Universe and God to catch us as we inevitably fall.  There is a release when we let go which can be exciting and terrifying at the same time.  Sometimes we are ready for it, but its letting go of that last grip that paralyzes us.

We know its time, we have known for a while, but knowing and doing are so different.  When you finally let go, its over.  Then what?  Its time for your next journey!  There is no more waiting for something to change or get better.  You have surrendered to the fact that that which you let go of, will no longer will be.

Letting go is a process which involves self discovery and it can be a long one, so it is incredibly important to honor yourself during this time.  You need to feel whatever feelings come up and do not push them away for another time (because I promise, they will return).  Feel them and then let them go.  Honor what you need at that moment.  Do you need to isolate? do you need support? do you need to work with a counselor?  It is important that you give yourself whatever it is you need at the time to be able to move forward with letting go and not jump backwards trying to preserve yourself.

Please know that friends will not always come with you…letting go of one thing may cause a trickle down effect that may cause you to let go other things along the way (been there, done that).  You may find, as you go along your beautiful journey that some people and circumstances may no longer serve you on this new path that you have carved for yourself.  That is OK, let them go.  You can love them as you always have but you acknowledge that they no longer serve your Highest Self.

Now its time to find you (this is the exciting part)!

Now that you have let go of what was weighing you down and holding you back, let’s explore:

Who are you?

What excites you?

What emotions do you feel after letting go?

What does a blank slate look like to you?

Where are you struggling with the most?

Start journaling your thoughts and feelings, daily, or even multiple times a day (I carry a journal with me).  Documenting your journey is the best way to (a) gage progress (b) understanding who you were vs. who you are today (c) see where you are headed and what your road blocks are.

There are many reasons to hold on but even more reasons to let go.  Letting go releases those binds that hold us to things that are not good for us.  Letting go truly does open the door for so much good to enter.

If you close a door, a window will open, trust me, I say this from experience.

Letting go is a painful lesson on life’s journey but the rewards once you get to the other side are amazing.

~Peace~Love~Light~

Avesha

 

Daily Post: Haul

Via Daily Post: Haul

This Journey I am on has been a very long haul.  My commitment to healing past wounds from childhood to today has given a new meaning to the word healing.

~Healing begins from within~

ron-smith-372792-unsplash

I was tired of filling voids and living my life from a place of fear.  Trying to control my environment hoping that I could keep myself safe as long as I was the gatekeeper to my own soul.  

Life doesn’t work that way.  We really control nothing but our own thoughts.  The Universe steps in, takes over and teaches us lessons that we really need to learn the first time because if we don’t….the lessons gets more difficult each time.

So, although healing from anything is a very long haul, the end result is a beautiful and peaceful life that no one can explain to you or lay out for you.  You have to trust the process, follow your own journey and create your own path and discover who you are in the process.

The haul is worth it.

Namaste