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How to move forward gracefully after a divorce

Divorce, and break-ups in general are very difficult to process and move on from.  For many reasons, separating from someone we love leaves us feeling lost and desperate for answers.  Many times we blame ourselves in hopes that if we take ownership of the breakup we can then fix it and not have to suffer with this pain any longer.

The pain can be so deep that it triggers other emotional issues inside us, ones that we thought we buried and would never see again.  Sometimes break-ups are the Universes’ way of getting us to deal with our issues instead of filling voids and living the day to day as if these issues do not exist.  That’s called denial.

Being divorced twice and losing both husbands in a similar and pretty traumatic way I realized the Universe was sending me a message…it was the same message both times and this time I listened.

Below are my simple tips of letting go and moving on after a divorce (or breakup):

  • Let yourself go through the stages of grief/loss – A divorce or breakup of a significant relationship is quite similar to a death.  In order to move forward you must go through the stages of grief.  The five stages are  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance and they are a critical part of the framework that makes up our learning to live without the one we lost. They help us to gain the tools we need to help us identify what we may be feeling, however there is no exact timeline when it comes to the healing process and you may bounce around from grief to anger and back to denial before you hit acceptance.   Healing is not linear.
  • Accept that healing takes time – As I stated, there is no time table and healing is not linear.  Just  know, you are where you are meant to be, healing.  The more difficult the relationship and break up the harder the hit is to your body, mind and soul.  You need to be compassionate with yourself and accept that it can take years to recover and that is OK!  Honor yourself and where you are at, at every moment.
  • Allow yourself time to heal – solo – Fix yourself and heal first before bringing someone else into your world otherwise you risk repeating the same patterns until you have learned the lesson you were meant to learn – the Universe is speaking to you so listen.  The only way over it, is through it.
  • Do not fill voids by immediately trying to replace your ex – Believe it or not, you are not ready for a new relationship!  By jumping in to a new relationship, you are trying to fill a void to escape from hurt, that never works, it delays the healing process and puts other people at risk for heartbreak.
  • Allow yourself to feel anger, fear and sorrow – These feelings are normal and are part of the healing process.  Feel every feeling until you are numb to it.  Stuffing your feelings does not work, facing them head on speeds up the healing process.
  • Fill your life with interests and activities – Now is the time to try something new (new hobby, take a class, start an exercise routine), make new friends, and start some Keystone Habits (see my blog on Improve your life with these simple Keystone Habits).  This creates a full and satisfying life.  Become a better version of yourself!
  • Make peace with your loss and try to forgive – If you focus too much on the loss and don’t let go of the story you will not get to acceptance and you will prolong the healing process.  There is a lesson in all this, take the time to learn what it is.
  • Let go of the story – Yes it was traumatic – yes you are in pain – yes you miss him or her – but if you do not let go of the story and make peace with what happened and why it happened you will delay creating a new and better story, one that doesn’t involve a traumatic breakup.  Learn the lesson and move forward.
  • Make time for yourself and figure out who you are as a person – I imagine you have spent a majority of time focused on your relationship and your significant other.  Now it is time to focus on yourself and figure out who you are and what makes you tick.  Fall in love with yourself!
  • If you want to find a happy, nurturing, compassionate relationship, look for those qualities inside yourself – Do you have those same qualities you are looking for in another person?   Remember … you are holding up your mirror so be who you wish to meet!  Its that simple.

Once you change your mindset from loss to opportunity, the healing process will be a much easier Journey to the next story of your new and wonderful life.

Namaste’

Please share this with others who you think will benefit from this article.

How to practice self love daily

How do you start your day?

~Life is an endless process of self discovery~

Self-love is not a trend, it is not something you do when you feel like it.  You don’t just “do self-love” after a break up or after you experience trauma.  Self-love is a life long practice that needs to be added to your every day life. With self-love comes the releasing of negative thoughts and self-criticism by embracing more of a loving and positive acceptance of yourself through forgiveness of yourself and others.

The Universal concept is that our thoughts create our actions and therefore those thoughts dictate the outcome in our lives.  Self-love is a very powerful and necessary practice and critical if you want to have healthy relationships with others.

Self-love is not selfish!

Taking care of and loving ourselves and being a whole, sound and emotionally healthy person allows us to take care of others without it feeling like a burden. If you aren’t taking care of yourself, if you don’t rest and relax your soul, then you will be of no help to others— especially yourself.  You will eventually feel drained and eventually there will be nothing left to give.  You must give to yourself as well as give to others.

Below is a a simple self-love checklist that may seem overwhelming to you at first, however, I promise that if you commit to adding a majority of them into your daily routine or practice as I like to call it, every single day, you’ll see the benefits immediately.

45 Ways to Practice Self-Love

  1. Create a quiet and safe zone in your home (may it be a corner, a closet, or a spare rom and deem it your “space”)
  2. Buy yourself fresh flowers (or cut them from your garden and display them)
  3. Grow a garden of fresh vegetables
  4. Start an exercise routine (yoga, pilates, the gym, take a walk) – increase those endorphins (see Creating a workout routine you can and will stick to)
  5. Read, take a nap, listen to music, sit quietly – please just rest your soul
  6. Buy yourself some new makeup and play with it
  7. Create a daily bucket list and post it
  8. Repeat the following mantra “I love and accept myself”
  9. Make a list of all the things you like about yourself
  10. Create a gratitude journal (see How to start Journaling – Keystone Habit)
  11. Start your day with meditation and yoga
  12. Implement a “treat yourself day” (mine is Friday)
  13. Dress nice, even if you don’t have to, put on those earrings, scarf and lipstick and show the world how beautiful you are
  14. Take a breath between your bites of food and savor the taste
  15. Make yourself a hot cup of coffee or tea and savor each sip
  16. Have a protein or collagen smoothie every morning
  17. Sleep at least 7 hours a day
  18. Say no and be ok with it
  19. Pay it forward, always
  20. Make someone feel good whenever you can
  21. Smile often, even if no one is smiling at you (they may think you are weird but that is ok)
  22. Eat food that is nourishing (put down the boxed food – unless its treat day)
  23. Get a massage and have them use essential oils
  24. Go for a hike or long walk in nature
  25. Be confident (walk and talk with confidence)
  26. Learn something new – dance classes, yoga, tennis lessons, start or join a MeetUp group
  27. Host a ladies night
  28. Call a friend and laugh for hours about nothing (no complaining)
  29. Spend time with your kids before they grow up and move away 😦
  30. Get a new haircut and/or buy some new makeup
  31. Eat chocolate guilt free (maybe on treat day)
  32. When someone offers your a compliment, simply say, “Thank you”
  33. Travel solo
  34. Set a no screen time in your house (dinner, after 9, etc)
  35. Set goals (see Improve your life with these simple Keystone Habits)
  36. Take a day off and do something nice for yourself (go to the gym, coffee shop, shop, meet a friend for lunch, take a walk, sleep)
  37. Self-love mantra: “I am enough. I have enough. I do enough”
  38. Let go of what no longer serves you
  39. Buy a diffuser and infuse essential oils like lavender
  40. Write a letter to yourself and put it away for a year
  41. Host a dinner party
  42. Hire a coach or a counselor (see The real benefits of working with a Life Coach)
  43. Take a hot bath with Epsom salt and lavender (or whatever your favorite oil is)
  44. Make new friends (and remove those toxic ones)
  45. Clean out your closet and donate clothes you no longer wear

The biggest message I have is, be gentle with yourself and always honor where you are at every stage of your Journey.

The best advice I have been given – ever is to ~feel your feelings~

Namaste’

Contact Us if you would like to work with a coach to help you kick start your self-love and self care routine!

How do you start your day?

“Every day we are born again” – Buddha

Over time and by creating daily KeyStone Habits you can learn to transform your life into the one you deserve.  For this, I like to use the term – stepping stones.  Every little step you take brings you one step closer to your new and healthy life.

With stepping stones you literally take each and every day, one step at a time.  It takes self awareness, inspiration, determination and the drive to want to change and the commitment to stay on task (and focused) as you begin your new Journey.  I know, because I have done this work and although there were times I wanted to quit, I am so grateful I didn’t.

It takes 26 days for a habit to become a lifestyle.

There are so many ways to begin making little but impactful changes in your life. Personally I found that starting with a morning routine was the best place to begin my Journey to an emotionally healthy lifestyle.

Thankfully I am a morning person so creating a morning routine was easy as well as exciting for me.  This routine is very important to me as it provides me with much needed structure and it gives me something to look forward to each day as I rise in the morning.  This positive start to my day gets my head in the right place so I am ready to tackle my day with a clear mind and a peaceful soul.

I am grateful for this practice and I continue to alter it to adjust to life’s little changes and challenges.

Below are some”morning ritual” ideas to help you create your own daily practice –

  • Wake up with the sunrise (“early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise” – Benjamin Franklin, famously)
  • Drink a glass of room temperature water (with lemon if you can – fantastic liver cleanse)
  • Intermittent fasting
  • Walk the dog / get on the treadmill (I don’t care how cold or hot it is, get that body moving)
  • Make a collagen smoothie – google smoothie recipes for some awesome ideas
  • Brush your teeth, wash your face, give yourself a mini facial or at least a detox scrub (I have some fantastic organic facial recipes to share)
  • Do at least 20 minutes of yoga stretches or if you are feeling bold do a 30 minute power yoga session 🙂
  • Start an exercise routine
  • Make a hot cup of coffee or tea – drink it slow and savor the flavor 🙂
  • Meditate for at least 5 minutes (download the Simple Habit, Calm or HeadSpace app for an easy guided meditation) – or just sit in silence as you drink your tea/coffee/smoothie
  • Practice grounding and earthing
  • Peruse your garden and cut fresh flowers for your home – assuming you have a garden, if not, steal your neighbors flowers and put them in a vase (LOL, kidding, well, kind of)
  • Write in your journal (express your gratitude, set your goals, write down your worries and let them go) – Don’t know how to journal or where to begin?  start here
  • Read your gratitude list out loud and thank the Universe, God, Buddha, whatever you believe in for another beautiful day in this life
  • Take a hot shower and be in the moment (you can also take a hot bath with Epsom salt and lavender before bed to wash away the day)
  • Get ready for your day (do your hair, put on makeup)
  • Dress to impress (even if you work from home – yoga pants are not pants)
  • If you commute, put on your favorite music or audio book – enjoy the time you have to yourself

Its just as easy and important to create an “evening wind-down ritual” as well (Contact Us for ideas to create your evening ritual).

Until soon!

Namaste

Daily Prompt – Betrayed

via Prompts: Betrayed

Where do I begin on betrayal, shall I start with childhood or adulthood?

OR

How about a less victim approach…how about the betrayal I experienced within myself.

Self care and self love are not buzz words, they are real.  The people that call them “buzz words” or think its “trendy” to love themselves are in fear and denial and are betraying themselves the way I did for the entire first half of my life.

As I mentioned in my previous writings, the Universe is a real thing and it truly does give you messages and over time if you choose to ignore them, the Universe will step in, shake things up and if you are lucky you will learn the lesson you are meant to learn.  If you do not, then you are betraying yourself.  You have turned your back on yourself and you will learn even deeper lessons by doing so.

There is betrayal on a deep level in so many areas, we can be betrayed by our parents, our husbands, our friends, but ultimately the deepest betrayal is the one we experience with ourselves.  This is the only one that truly matters.  Family can pass, husbands can leave, friendships fade, the only person guaranteed to stay with you…is yourself.  So do not betray yourself, you need you.

~Respect and Honor Yourself~

Describe your perfect day!

Empowerment exercise!

I was working with my own Life Coach on Friday (yes, Coaches have their own Tribe as well) and we were discussing some manifestation techniques with regard to how I am going to get to the phase of my Journey <so exciting!>

After our session, which focused on my long terms goals that I have set I started thinking about how I wanted to focus more on the day to day vs. the long term.  I am a big believer in goal setting and believe that working towards those goals give us purpose and a sense of accomplishment once we have met them.  However, I felt I needed more.

So I came up with the following exercise for myself and I believe this could benefit everyone who is interested in manifesting the things they desire in their life.

Here we go!

Grab your goals journal and your favorite pen.  Settle down somewhere comfortable and quiet, light a candle and close your eyes.   Take some time to imagine your perfect day.  Once you have a clear picture in your head, take to your journal and write down everything that came to mind.

  1. What day of the week is it?
  2. Are you alone or with someone? (or multiple people)
  3. Where are you (beach, the park, at home)?
  4. How long did it take you to get there?
  5. How did you get there?
  6. Describe where you are; what do you see?
  7. How do you feel being there? (be descriptive! – do you feel happy, excited, anxious?)
  8. What is missing from this day?
  9. How could you make it better?

They key is to not lift the pen off the paper until you no longer see the vision and are done writing.

At the end of the exercise please review what you have written in your journal.  Compare the magical day you created to the way you normally spend your day.  Recognize the differences and jot them down.

What would it take for you to actually LIVE your perfect day?

Something to think about!

~Joy~Light~Love~

 

Pragmatic vs. Magical Thinking..a lesson

During a session with my therapist we discussed relationships, past and potential.  When he asked me what I wanted, I told him I had received exactly what I had asked for…my ex-husband.  I shared that I felt like I went to a counter, ordered my person and they delivered him to me exactly how I described.  Kind of like when you order at Starbucks and they nail it, amazing feeling right?

As I described how my ex-husband entered my life….my therapist said “wow, that sounds magical” and my response was “oh yes, it was”.  In all reality, the way I tell the story, it does sound quite magical, however, magical isn’t always reality.

So this is why I go to therapy <smiles>.  My therapist says to me, “well that certainly is magical, but let me give you a pragmatic perspective”.  So we went on to what I like to call deep dive and break down every little detail that I considered magical, with his pragmatic approach.  Sure enough, I had completely dramatized the entire relationship…from the beginning of our courtship to the demise of our marriage.  He apologized for busting my magical bubble, but I was OK with it, very much so.  The reality was refreshing.

I absorbed that conversation as I got home and started to really process the reality of the nine years I spent with this person.  I used the pragmatic approach and found that the reality was much different than the fantasy I had created.  The boy meets girl story….wasn’t so magical, in fact it was quite dysfunctional and if I were who that girl today on the day that he entered my life…things would be much different.  Thank God for therapy, self-love and time alone.

That being said, pragmatic might be my favorite word right now as I have taken off my rose colored glasses and I am committed to using this approach in all areas of my life.  I am ready to see things for what they really are vs. what we make them out to be or how we may perceive them may although that may not be what the reality of the situation actually is.  Perspective is good which is why having a trusted therapist or Life Coach is such a blessing and critical when you are working to change your life’s path.

So today I encourage you to deep dive into your life and be pragmatic about the details – ask yourself, am I in reality or is this magical thinking.

Till Soon!

~joy~light~love~

**As always, if you are interested in scheduling a free Life Coaching session please Contact Avesha Empower today**

Things I wish I did years ago…

But I am putting them into practice now!  So, better late than not at all.

I could share a long story about why these are critical exercises but I don’t feel that is necessary.  We all have our story and my hope here is to provide guidance to those who need it.

So here we go….

  1. Embrace the difficult – there is power in the pain, strength in the struggle and knowledge you receive from lessons you are meant to learn. My advice: learn your lessons the first time and there will be less struggle.   Struggle = success, strength & progress
  2. Exercise Daily! – if you have been following me or have read any of my blogs you know I believe that exercise is the end all be all to happiness or at least the start of it.  I believe the Journey to happiness starts with giving your body the movement that it needs to release the essential endorphins and get the happiness flowing inside you.  We were NOT made to be sedentary.  Get moving, start exercising TODAY!  Take a walk, get on your treadmill, do some yoga, go to the gym.  Whatever you fancy…do it.
  3. Be Grateful – for every single aspect of your life.  Even the struggle.  Wake up and be grateful you are alive, for your hot cup of coffee, for sunlight, a job that pays you, friends that you spend time with.  There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for.  Gratitude = manifesting more things to be grateful for
  4. Enjoy the simplicity of life – wake up with the sunrise, take a walk in nature, read to your kids, cook a nice meal, make a hot cup of coffee or tea and sit on the deck and just listen to the birds, play in your garden, read a good book, take a walk at sunset and thank the Universe for another day.  It is the simplicity of life that brings us the most happiness, believe it or not.
  5. Keep a Journal or two – I have multiple journals…one for my thoughts, one for my goals, a small one that I carry around with me where I jot down ideas, stories or things I simply want to try.   Journaling is a fabulous way to release the ruminating thoughts that take over your brain.  It is also one of the top Keystone Habits (after exercise).  I journal every morning as part of my morning ritual.
  6. Complain less and appreciate more – if things are hard and you are at your end, instead of complaining, which solves nothing, find solutions.  Make small changes (baby steps), start implementing Keystone Habits, you must do something OR accept what is.  Complaining = negative energy
  7. Don’t settle for less than you deserve – if you are not ready for a relationship, do not start one.  If you are dating and you know the person isn’t right for you…let them go.  Learn how to be with yourself.  Figure out what you want in a person and don’t settle for anything less.  You know what you want, and what you are worth so why settle for anything less?  Settling = cheating yourself out of something amazing
  8. Do not judge others – this was and is still a huge lesson for me.  It’s very easy for us to make a judgment based off an encounter with someone.  However, we don’t know their life story and have no idea what their struggle is.  So we make a judgment about them that is completely unfair.  You do not know where a person has been or what they are going through, so be kind and accept them for who they are and where they are at that moment.
  9. Be kind for no reason – smile at the cashier at Target, maybe she doesn’t smile back or even know why you’re smiling, it doesn’t matter.  Say “good morning” to people as you walk down the street to your office.  Compliment someone’s shoes, hair or hat.  Hold the door or elevator.  Do something nice for someone, you have no idea what a person is going through and you might just make their day.
  10. De-Clutter and simplify – you have read this before, but its true…get rid of clutter, remove all items you no longer use.  If you haven’t touched it in three years and is not a family heirloom and it doesn’t hold sweet memories..toss it!  Downsize, live within your means and surround yourself with things that bring out the best in you.
  11. Practice patience – this is another practice I am working on and I admit I am not very good at but it is something I practice daily.  Patience is a skill that we are not born with, it needs to be developed.  For those of us fire signs 🙂  we tend to have less patience and more energy than most people.  There are those with a more laid back approach to life whereas patience comes a little easier than those of us who take a more aggressive approach to life.  However, patience can be taught, learned and implemented.  It is critical to our success to have patience and trust that the Universe knows exactly what we need and when we need it.
  12. Letting go of the past – I have said it before and I will say it again, the past does not define us and it has no place in our present and our future.  If you have learned your lessons and are on the right path you will no longer need to revisit the past, it has nothing to offer you.  You can remember good moments, but don’t focus on them so much that you are not mindful of the present and especially the now, because this moment really is all any of us have.  So “be here now” should be your mantra…if you find your mind wandering to a memory of the past…honor it and say to yourself “be here now” and move on and focus on that moment, as best you can.  Letting go of the past and being mindful is hard and takes work but your brain can be re-trained to not wander off to the past and get stuck there.  Remember…be here now.
  13. Love yourself – madly and unconditionally.  This is a hard concept for some, I know it was for me.  I didn’t understand it until I started a self-love/self-care ritual and I learned how magical it is to put yourself first and to fall madly in love with yourself.  I have written several articles which have been published in Elephant Journal Magazine (love this magazine) about self-love and taking care of yourself and how to ease anxiety.  Read them at your leisure 🙂

https://www.elephantjournal.com/now/5-simple-grounding-exercises-to-ease-anxiety-the-stress-of-daily-life/ and

https://www.elephantjournal.com/now/how-to-practice-self-love-daily/

I pray a number of these exercises resonate with you.  You don’t need to identify with all of them, but you should find the ones that do resonate with you and put them into practice.

Just do the best you can to be your best self every day and you will start seeing changes and start feeling better about yourself and the choices you are making.

If you would like to work together to focus on these, please contact us.

Namaste